Seeing Pretty

5 Nov

“What are you looking at?”

“Oh, sorry. I guess I kind of spaced out.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just saw something pretty so I stared at it.”

“In the sink?!”

“No. In my brain. Just a moment. You know. Memories or thoughts or both.”

…..”I love you”

Smokey Lonesome

20 Oct

Hey Jim,

I’ve been reading Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe. I know I read it in high school but it’s a little different this time.

Anyway I just read the chapter about Smokey Lonesome and how he loved Ruth, like a sister, unconditionally.

It gave me pause because I didnt realize his name was Smokey Jim Phillips Lonesome. That is oddly reflective.

So now I’m going to go to the gym until I figure that one out. Because it got me good. Right in the feels.

Love you, Smokey Lonesome.

You know like when you are on vacation in Italy?

2 Oct
Sometimes things can disappoint us. That is just life. Then sometimes you date some bourgeois dude. And when you tell him about a disappointing day you had, he replies,
“You know how like when you go to the Sistine Chapel and it isn’t as big as you thought?”
…To which I reply “You know how sometimes you are homeless and you have to sleep in your car and it isn’t as big as you thought?”
Then I walk through a pile of horse shit and go back to work.

Do You Realize

27 Aug

Today would have been Jim’s 50th birthday.

I did not expect to think about that today. I knew it was his birthday. But I didn’t expect to like really contemplate it.

Yet here I am.

Remembering Jim.

I really do miss him. A lot. So for whatever it is worth, on this day, I have to acknowledge that one of my best friends isn’t here anymore. I don’t get a choice. And he would have told me to go see a movie AND taco night AND tv viewing night this week. One foot in front of the other, kid. Damn he was smart. Still IS. Without even being here. He will not leave me (please don’t, Jim).

Jim was always stubborn like that.

Happy birthday, Jim. Frank sent an eye-wink. Eyebrows and all.

We love you and miss you, buddy. You’re the best.

Bummer

25 Aug

Disappointement

You know like when you have high hopes for something and then it’s a total dud?

So my week has been fun. My garbage disposal is broken and my dishwasher floods the kitchen with garbage water through the broken sink.

My washing machine flooded the entire utility room and back hallway (someone – not me – installed the hose using zip ties and packing tape) across the only partially completed new plastic floor. Which is already curling and separating from itself with weird gross gaps.

My house is such a half-ass project. Anytime anyone comes to help my mother chases them off with passive aggression and neediness or refuses to have it done right. So helpful. I love fixing things that were clearly broken and ‘some duct tape’ obviously is not the answer but your hillbilly family thinks it is, and once someone tried to ‘fix’ them I now have to ‘fix’ whatever crappy job they did and now 5 other things.

Some things can’t be fixed. Like when she painted my trim while I was at work. Before it even went on the wall.

My microwave and hood over the stove have yet to work and it’s been over a year.

I broke my flip flop first thing this morning and had to wait until lunch hour to change my shoes.

Someone convinced me that I really wanted something and after a while I ended up believing them (even though they’re wrong about me wanting it) and then I didn’t get it, and I have that weird feeling of betrayal.

Betrayal, in my opinion, is one of the worst feelings you can experience. If you think about it. Loneliness is fixable. Sadness is fleeting (think of baby panda bears). Depression is pretty bad but they do have medications and counselors for that. Anger can be reasoned away. Loss hurts, but it is a slow burn and often takes years to process. But it processes. Loss takes its time. Pain is usually immediate and in the moment (however long that is), but you also know that it’ll end, one way or another. It’s just there.

Betrayal is someone you trusted stabbing you right wherever it will hurt the most and then leaving you with loss, so it is pain AND loss, and taking its time to go away. Betrayal is a surprise. The other two we know are going to happen, just don’t always know when. Betrayal cuts feelings through you like a machete but it isn’t as final as if a machete had cut through you.

So yea. Today basically sucked a sack. But what are you gonna do? Wake up tomorrow and fight the battle again. One foot in front of the other.

Most Common Sense

19 Aug

I threw an engagement party and was allergic to the flowers I had chosen for decorations. I went to the state fair and got bitten by a donkey. I went to an alligator rodeo and handled an iguana and got salmonella. I swung off a janky old rope swing and snapped my ankle. I gave someone the bird while closing a car door and ended up with my middle finger locked halfway into that car.

It is possible that I make poor choices.

Want to know what my high school superlative was? Most Common Sense. Which isn’t even like a category- they just made up something for everyone so we wouldn’t feel left out or whatever. But Most Common Sense. That’s what they chose for me. Most Common bloody Sense.

I once drank moonshine given to me by a roadie named ‘Angry Andy’ and have once accepted a ride from a stranger covered in neck and face tattoos by in Pagosa Springs named ‘Spider’. Most Common Sense.

Chased coyotes, swam with barracudas, petted sting rays, walked into glass doors, fallen through my own prank chair (multiple times), thought a glue stick was chapstick, eaten a dog treat, and gone out with my shirt on backwards, and once for my birthday I tried to make old ink cartridges explode.

Most common sense.

Trees for the Forest

16 Aug

I guess about 5 years ago this is what I was doing. What am I doing now? Fixing website stuff and just… ugh.

I either need a vacation or a whole new existence. Maybe I can pull off both. Or neither. Til then I’ll be making copies and coffee and crusty little feelings.

In other disheartening news, I think this may have been one of the giants that fell. So that is sad.

%d bloggers like this: