A Sting Ray to the Heart

24 Mar

I’m a prehistoric girl (a Lindsaysaurus) with prehistoric luck.  I’m inflicted with an ancient evil that has been hanging around on earth ever since the dawn of time.  It’s been a tough run for me lately (and by lately, I mean since puberty).

Yesterday I broke a tooth.  A front tooth, right where everyone can see it and ask me what the hell happened.  And the truth is, nothing happened, I just have bad luck with baby teeth and veneers.  I was sitting quite tamely and composed at my desk, when suddenly I felt an odd sensation in my mouth- the feeling that my teeth were bleeding- and then I spit a bloody tooth onto my desk.  Making friends, I am.  Nothing says “We have a lot in common” like putting your own tooth into your pocket and sticking a wad of tissue in your mouth.

This came one day after I knocked myself stupid on the corner of a cabinet door and made my head bleed, one week after I lost a fingernail, two weeks after I got the swine flu, three weeks after I fell off my roof and got a spinal injury, and one month since the dreaded February full of car accidents, scooter accidents, and deaths in the family all at once.  In the ongoing battle of Lindsay v. the world I am losing in a big way.

At the beginning of 2011 one of the new things I started was keeping score.  I wrote the score in tally marks in my day planner.  For instance stubbing my toe would be a mark up for 2011 and being given a cupcake would be a point for me.  Let me tell ya, I think keeping score was one of the worst ideas I ever had.  Nothing highlights how much you are losing (and therefore how much of a loser you are) quite like realizing that it is only March and 2011 has 714 points and you’ve only got 223.

My latest ‘score’ though, is quite a score indeed.  So perhaps I should start weighing my point system.  For a while I thought it was working in my favor if I counted the one point I gave 2011 when my car got totaled evened out by the point I gave myself for finding awesome pink pin-up heels, but if I really weighed the value of some of these scores… perhaps I could be considered “winning” again.

I’m pretty sure I just figured out how W stole those elections (I was always confused).

Until I revise my point system, though, I will sit here at my desk, on hold with the ’emergency’ dentist listening to the muzak version of “Another Day in Paradise” occasionally interrupted by a robot lady who tells me she appreciates my patience and I will whine.  She clearly doesn’t understand me.  Sitting here longing for a person with a dental degree and local anesthesia might just be the perfect opportunity to rethink my existence.  Reevaluate what it all means etc etc.  By reevaluate what it all means, clearly I mean plan my escape to the Florida Keys where at least my demise will hopefully be brought about by something a little cooler than H1N1- something like a shark attack or a sting ray to the heart.

Did you know that people still get bubonic plague in New Mexico?  It is so not rock star to die of a medieval disease.  I think it is time for me to go make trouble somewhere else before I figure out how to fatally injure myself on a prickly pear cactus.

Oh, imagine that, there is now a person on the line instead of muzak.  I’m going to ask for a gold tooth with a diamond in it.  I feel that perhaps my problem is I don’t have enough bling in my life.

2 Responses to “A Sting Ray to the Heart”

  1. Tino11 March 31, 2011 at 4:13 pm #

    Tomorrow, stay in bed, preferably asleep, turn the phone off, dont answer the door or look out the window and see if that stops you having anymore disasters.
    If that doesn’t work, I have a spare suit of armour looking for a good home?


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