Archive | September, 2011

My Life, Abridged

27 Sep

I realized I hadn’t posted in a while. I also realized that I (as usual) have nothing to say. So here is a severely abridged account of my Twitter feed since my last post.  The highlights include a bird getting into the house and dying in the refrigerator, homemade food poisoning, sewage seeping from bathroom pipes, my cat getting lost, and of course, me having multiple dental issues. 

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

Birds love dying around me lately.

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

I wonder if it was a boy or girl bird that met its maker inside the fridge.

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

Dear Sunflower: ‘French’ is not a flavor.

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

I didn’t die in the shower today yet I still might succeed in killing myself #foodpoisoning

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

This is why I should not be allowed to cook.

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

O U C H

lindsaygrocks 19 Jul

This is how shitty I feel: I’m watching Twilight.

lindsaygrocks 19 Jul

@of_the_rose tried to kill us today. It was worse than that time I thought we fell in a hole, but we didn’t.

of_the_rose 19 Jul

A&E could do a 2-hour episode of Intervention for #BroUpCrew.

lindsaygrocks 20 Jul

“It’s not your species, its your horrible personality.” – Bronx, to the neighbor’s cat.

lindsaygrocks 20 Jul

#ABQ is so #GothamCity with this judge/prostitution scandal going on. I would love to be horrified but I’m too busy assembling a #BatSignal

lindsaygrocks 20 Jul

At @LaunchpadABQ to see @colourmusic. It’s fantastic.

lindsaygrocks 22 Jul

…guess who found the scissors… and now has a super sexy haircut?

lindsaygrocks 22 Jul

It’s just about ‘intervention-thirty’.

lindsaygrocks 26 Jul

There are so many feathers on the patio. It’s like someone killed a chicken. And I missed it.

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

Ready for yet another disappointing trip to the dentist. Go go gadget dentures.

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

Children’s toys always look so disgusting.

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

I hate the word ‘pulp’ when listening to a dentist tell me about my teeth.

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

Somedays, you just need to look at a dentist with tears in your eyes, scream “why?!” and then punch him in the nose.

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

Two words: Shark week

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

“…a reign of terror against fur seals”

lindsaygrocks 2 Aug

Putting on my big girl panties…

lindsaygrocks 3 Aug

It just goes to show… you never know what a smile and a cheeseburger might mean to someone.

lindsaygrocks 5 Aug

Nothing is more miserable than a horrible musician, a coffee shop, and a spare guitar

lindsaygrocks 7 Aug

So goes the summer of the dead tooth

lindsaygrocks 7 Aug

Things I need to prepare for tax free weekend at the mall: half a percocet and a gin martini.

lindsaygrocks 7 Aug

I’m fully aware that I am a grown woman who takes gummy vitamins.

lindsaygrocks 7 Aug

Am celebrating my first day off with champagne and new pillows.

lindsaygrocks 10 Aug

So remember when I had that dead tooth? I think I just killed a toe. Dead toe.

lindsaygrocks 12 Aug

This day has had it in for me ever since I got stood up and another toe abandoned ship.

lindsaygrocks 12 Aug

We walk into a bar. @of_the_rose is complimented on his shirt by the bartender, who as an afterthought, says to me ‘your dress is nice too.’

of_the_rose 12 Aug

@lindsaygrocks is mad at me because I just woke her up from a dream where she was about to get the recipe for Busch’s Baked Beans. #FF

lindsaygrocks 13 Aug

I’ll have the plate of cholesterol with a side of afternoon alone with the windows open.

lindsaygrocks 14 Aug

Proud to announce that my baby (the barrel of Maker’s Mark with my name on it) has moved into its warehouse. Thank you, Kentucky.

lindsaygrocks 16 Aug

Getting off working a double, sipping a delicious gin martini, and some wonderful anonymous person is sending over shots of Jameson.

lindsaygrocks 22 Aug

Things I can see from the window in my shower: 3 backyards, 16 trees, 11 houses, 9 fences, 6 cars…

lindsaygrocks 22 Aug

I freaking love the fact that there is a BakedBeansBot.

lindsaygrocks 23 Aug

When I got into the car, Miley Cyrus’ ‘Party in the USA’ was blaring. So now that is stuck in my head for the afternoon. God hates me.

lindsaygrocks 23 Aug

Today is totally an ‘ends in cheeseburger’ sort of day. Headed to Holy Cow.

lindsaygrocks 25 Aug

It’s one of those mornings when I accidentally took melatonin instead of aspirin. So, there’s that obstacle.

lindsaygrocks 25 Aug

She sits next to me and watches me work, but does she ever offer to help? No. I say she gets a job and starts buying me human food. Lazy cat.

lindsaygrocks 26 Aug

As the day progresses and I move to my second coffee shop, I’m reminded that I’m not really a people person.

lindsaygrocks 26 Aug

Today is as good a day as any to learn about beer.

lindsaygrocks 26 Aug

It’s almost magical when the broken printer returns to the world of the living.

lindsaygrocks 28 Aug

I hate that these mannequins have better abs than i do.

lindsaygrocks 28 Aug

After shopping for a new scent, @of_the_rose and I now smell like many different types of date rape.

lindsaygrocks 28 Aug

@supersloth exactly Burberry + Diesel + Tom Ford = eau de douchebag

lindsaygrocks 28 Aug

Bunch of whiteys here to see a middle class white hip hop star. Rock on, suburbia.

lindsaygrocks 31 Aug

So tired i got in the shower in my bra. Dumbass.

lindsaygrocks 31 Aug

The load sizes on my washing machine go small, large, extra large. Questionable.

lindsaygrocks 31 Aug

Even before that concussion I just gave myself on my rear view, it was unreasonable to expect me to park any closer than 2.5 ft to the curb.

lindsaygrocks 31 Aug

One of those nights when I am rearranging the furniture in an attempt to change my life. The result so far: I’m bruised and a little drunk.

lindsaygrocks 1 Sep

This is, quite possibly, the worst day of my life.

MarylandMudflap 1 Sep

You never see a cyborg throw a guy into a pinball machine anymore. Maybe you never did. Who knows? I’ve been drinking since eggs.

lindsaygrocks 1 Sep

If Facebook had an eye, I would have poked him in the eye by now

lindsaygrocks 3 Sep

I’ve had an ongoing poop joke with my best friend for about six years. That’s love.

lindsaygrocks 3 Sep

Just showed @of_the_rose a picture of me when I was fat and living in a yurt. I’m pretty sure we just broke up.

of_the_rose 3 Sep

Ever since @lindsaygrocks & I made our relationship official on Facebook she’s been trying to break up with me by telling me about her BMs.

lindsaygrocks 4 Sep

“You know what’s awesome? We didn’t get food poisoning.”

lindsaygrocks 5 Sep

He giggles, “have you seen your back today?” as if he’s never seen a double X sunburned on somebody.

lindsaygrocks 6 Sep

BUY THINGS FROM ME!!!! AHHHH (sales girl breaks down)

MoCannoli 6 Sep

On my lunch break I went to the zoo, punched a stoned koala in the face and stole his eucalyptus plant. Fuck this recession.

lindsaygrocks 6 Sep

And just like that… Fall happened.

lindsaygrocks 6 Sep

It’s like pulling god dam teeth. Trust me. I would know.

lindsaygrocks 6 Sep

Naturally, I am stuck in the rain.

lindsaygrocks 7 Sep

Sometimes I actually bore myself to tears.

lindsaygrocks 7 Sep

I need a map of Albuquerque. I’ve lived here nearly seven years and I still never know where the hell I am.

lindsaygrocks 8 Sep

That chick at the bar totally just deep-throated a spoonful of sugar. Her medicine goes down.

lindsaygrocks 9 Sep

“Does it always look like that? Or is it just a bad day?” -some guy, talking about my dog.

lindsaygrocks 8 Sep

Did you know if you purchase pickles in bulk they come in a bucket? A bucket.

lindsaygrocks 10 Sep

Pass

lindsaygrocks 10 Sep

I cannot eat my lunch yet. It’s still making noise.

lindsaygrocks 10 Sep

Seriously, at this age, who among us hasn’t ridden a mechanical bull?

lindsaygrocks 10 Sep

Just found a secret on-ramp to I-40 in Albuquerque. It was literally as exciting as finding a shortcut in Mario Kart. I’m totally beating Bowser.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

WHY GOD?! WHY?!

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

There is NOTHING like coming home to discover that an entire room is coated with a watery layer of shit.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

Standing in the rain as @of_the_rose scrubs shit off the floor.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

The bathroom is clearly haunted. A ghost lives in the toilet.

of_the_rose 11 Sep

On the list of worst things to ever happen, coming home to find my bathtub and bathroom floor covered with shit is, like, fucking awful.

of_the_rose 11 Sep

Seriously. It looked like my toilet and bathtub hiccuped or burped or something. #neverforget

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

I’m still attempting to control my gag reflex. You’d think I’d be better at this.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

I thought I had made a rule about me being the only thing allowed to poop on the floor.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

I had no words to tell my bartender. Just gag noises and laughtercrying.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

Clearly, my life is just one ongoing poop joke

lindsaygrocks 12 Sep

I definitely have an antique mini bar filled with comic books on my sun porch. I greet people with class.

lindsaygrocks 13 Sep

Wore a dress that was too short, got a parking ticket, fell asleep in the morning meeting, and made an awkward introduction at my luncheon.

lindsaygrocks 13 Sep

Oh, and locked myself out of my house.

lindsaygrocks 13 Sep

“Ugh I hate Coldplay” “Um, this is Radiohead” “Really? Then I hate Radiohead” “What?” “It must be an obscure song” “Karma Police?!”

lindsaygrocks 14 Sep

#BroUpCrew I think we need a support group Sunday Brunch. I’m running out of poop jokes. @ThomasDecaro @xysmas @fresh_flamingo @of_the_rose

lindsaygrocks 14 Sep

It’s a pickle and siracha sort of morning.

lindsaygrocks 14 Sep

My fucking neighbors and their fucking trash in the street. These people clearly were never loved.

lindsaygrocks 14 Sep

MY SUNBURN IS PEELING! AHHH!

lindsaygrocks 15 Sep

5:30 am can suck it. 6 am just makes me wish I had paid attention at the public speaking classes in college.

lindsaygrocks 15 Sep

A room full of sales people is like, seriously similar to watching birds fight over bread.

lindsaygrocks 15 Sep

Yes, I swear that’s milkshake in my hair.

lindsaygrocks 16 Sep

#FF @NMCheeseburgers because there is a new review out, and it is a delicious read.

lindsaygrocks 16 Sep

Well that settles it. Looks like I’m going to start rocking a mohawk for the winter.

lindsaygrocks 18 Sep

“We should get fake pregnant bellies and go out drinking. And smoke. Intentionally bump into shit” #SocialExperimentSunday

lindsaygrocks 18 Sep

I was trying to rap it… You know, so it sounds more legit.

lindsaygrocks 20 Sep

Chatting with a robot right now. A robot that works for the cable company. The world is entirely evil.

lindsaygrocks 20 Sep

Jesus. There is a robot bot.

lindsaygrocks 20 Sep

I have assigned a voice in my head for this robot. It is a girl. A bitchy condescending girl robot.

lindsaygrocks 20 Sep

She just told me “It has been a pleasure to chat with you today” in her creepy robot voice and I’m like 99% certain she was insincere.

lindsaygrocks 20 Sep

The man on table 13 sounds exactly like Ross Perot.

lindsaygrocks 21 Sep

When thinking of the worst things that can happen, seeing a spider run across your pillow just before bed is proof there is no god.

lindsaygrocks 21 Sep

The house was perfectly silent until Tim Gunn got on the phone, then the dog went nutso. It’s like he WANTS to be euthanized.

lindsaygrocks 22 Sep

It is like every single sound I hear today makes me want to punch an infant. #morecoffee

lindsaygrocks 23 Sep

In the night, while we slept, someone stole all the tires. Ooh. People are the worst.

lindsaygrocks 23 Sep

Once again I’m reminded that a cat in the window isn’t a BB gun or a flamer thrower.

lindsaygrocks 23 Sep

The god damn police left the door open. And now there is a second mystery. Floyd? Come back?

lindsaygrocks 23 Sep

We discussed the direct correlation between her running out in the street and the wrinkles on my face. I think we came to an understanding.

lindsaygrocks 23 Sep

I fell down the steps. There are only two, and I fell down them.

lindsaygrocks 24 Sep

I got two ex boyfriends and a microphone…

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

I’m far too emotionally invested in this episode of #rivermonsters right now. I knew all those years I spent reading books were a waste.

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

Went to find a snack and discovered there are 3 jars of pickles, a stalk of celery, stale tortillas, 3 slices of pizza and 4 percocets.

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

The elderly gentleman at the checkout- who was discussing honey badger- just commented on my wine and gummy sharks. Like he’s never done it.

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

Brainstorming ideas for the new life I will be starting tomorrow after I get a new tooth.

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

I can’t believe Mazzy Star was the artist they thought belonged on that Gears of War 3 commercial. Seriously.

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

@of_the_rose came by with a bag full of like 30 apples and now I’m at @GeckosBar having a bloody mary for dinner. #why

lindsaygrocks 13 hours ago

Have seen 5 balloons this morning on the way to the dentist.

of_the_rose 12 hours ago

Some dude who looks a lot like Pee Wee Herman is putting his fingers in @lindsaygrocks‘ mouth right now.

lindsaygrocks 11 hours ago

Success! I accidentally swallowed a lot of blood so I feel like shit, but hey, I got a tooth!

lindsaygrocks 8 hours ago

The jerk dogs know I’m sick/injured yet one still just farted in my face. #thereisnomercy

lindsaygrocks 4 hours ago

I found that the pizza bites I was trying to eat were to large to eat without biting so I just sucked the filing out of them. #rockbottom

lindsaygrocks 2 hours ago

Recipe time: 12 min. Time it takes me to figure out my order of kitchen operations: 37 min.

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