I realized I hadn’t posted in a while. I also realized that I (as usual) have nothing to say. So here is a severely abridged account of my Twitter feed since my last post. The highlights include a bird getting into the house and dying in the refrigerator, homemade food poisoning, sewage seeping from bathroom pipes, my cat getting lost, and of course, me having multiple dental issues.
Birds love dying around me lately.
I wonder if it was a boy or girl bird that met its maker inside the fridge.
Dear Sunflower: ‘French’ is not a flavor.
I didn’t die in the shower today yet I still might succeed in killing myself #foodpoisoning
This is why I should not be allowed to cook.
O U C H
This is how shitty I feel: I’m watching Twilight.
@of_the_rose tried to kill us today. It was worse than that time I thought we fell in a hole, but we didn’t.
A&E could do a 2-hour episode of Intervention for #BroUpCrew.
“It’s not your species, its your horrible personality.” – Bronx, to the neighbor’s cat.
…guess who found the scissors… and now has a super sexy haircut?
It’s just about ‘intervention-thirty’.
There are so many feathers on the patio. It’s like someone killed a chicken. And I missed it.
Ready for yet another disappointing trip to the dentist. Go go gadget dentures.
Children’s toys always look so disgusting.
I hate the word ‘pulp’ when listening to a dentist tell me about my teeth.
Somedays, you just need to look at a dentist with tears in your eyes, scream “why?!” and then punch him in the nose.
Two words: Shark week
“…a reign of terror against fur seals”
Putting on my big girl panties…
It just goes to show… you never know what a smile and a cheeseburger might mean to someone.
Nothing is more miserable than a horrible musician, a coffee shop, and a spare guitar
So goes the summer of the dead tooth
Things I need to prepare for tax free weekend at the mall: half a percocet and a gin martini.
I’m fully aware that I am a grown woman who takes gummy vitamins.
Am celebrating my first day off with champagne and new pillows.
So remember when I had that dead tooth? I think I just killed a toe. Dead toe.
This day has had it in for me ever since I got stood up and another toe abandoned ship.
We walk into a bar. @of_the_rose is complimented on his shirt by the bartender, who as an afterthought, says to me ‘your dress is nice too.’
I’ll have the plate of cholesterol with a side of afternoon alone with the windows open.
Proud to announce that my baby (the barrel of Maker’s Mark with my name on it) has moved into its warehouse. Thank you, Kentucky.
Getting off working a double, sipping a delicious gin martini, and some wonderful anonymous person is sending over shots of Jameson.
Things I can see from the window in my shower: 3 backyards, 16 trees, 11 houses, 9 fences, 6 cars…
I freaking love the fact that there is a BakedBeansBot.
When I got into the car, Miley Cyrus’ ‘Party in the USA’ was blaring. So now that is stuck in my head for the afternoon. God hates me.
Today is totally an ‘ends in cheeseburger’ sort of day. Headed to Holy Cow.
It’s one of those mornings when I accidentally took melatonin instead of aspirin. So, there’s that obstacle.
She sits next to me and watches me work, but does she ever offer to help? No. I say she gets a job and starts buying me human food. Lazy cat.
As the day progresses and I move to my second coffee shop, I’m reminded that I’m not really a people person.
Today is as good a day as any to learn about beer.
It’s almost magical when the broken printer returns to the world of the living.
I hate that these mannequins have better abs than i do.
After shopping for a new scent, @of_the_rose and I now smell like many different types of date rape.
@supersloth exactly Burberry + Diesel + Tom Ford = eau de douchebag
Bunch of whiteys here to see a middle class white hip hop star. Rock on, suburbia.
So tired i got in the shower in my bra. Dumbass.
The load sizes on my washing machine go small, large, extra large. Questionable.
Even before that concussion I just gave myself on my rear view, it was unreasonable to expect me to park any closer than 2.5 ft to the curb.
One of those nights when I am rearranging the furniture in an attempt to change my life. The result so far: I’m bruised and a little drunk.
This is, quite possibly, the worst day of my life.
You never see a cyborg throw a guy into a pinball machine anymore. Maybe you never did. Who knows? I’ve been drinking since eggs.
If Facebook had an eye, I would have poked him in the eye by now
I’ve had an ongoing poop joke with my best friend for about six years. That’s love.
Just showed @of_the_rose a picture of me when I was fat and living in a yurt. I’m pretty sure we just broke up.
Ever since @lindsaygrocks & I made our relationship official on Facebook she’s been trying to break up with me by telling me about her BMs.
“You know what’s awesome? We didn’t get food poisoning.”
He giggles, “have you seen your back today?” as if he’s never seen a double X sunburned on somebody.
BUY THINGS FROM ME!!!! AHHHH (sales girl breaks down)
On my lunch break I went to the zoo, punched a stoned koala in the face and stole his eucalyptus plant. Fuck this recession.
And just like that… Fall happened.
It’s like pulling god dam teeth. Trust me. I would know.
Naturally, I am stuck in the rain.
Sometimes I actually bore myself to tears.
I need a map of Albuquerque. I’ve lived here nearly seven years and I still never know where the hell I am.
That chick at the bar totally just deep-throated a spoonful of sugar. Her medicine goes down.
“Does it always look like that? Or is it just a bad day?” -some guy, talking about my dog.
Did you know if you purchase pickles in bulk they come in a bucket? A bucket.
I cannot eat my lunch yet. It’s still making noise.
Seriously, at this age, who among us hasn’t ridden a mechanical bull?
Just found a secret on-ramp to I-40 in Albuquerque. It was literally as exciting as finding a shortcut in Mario Kart. I’m totally beating Bowser.
WHY GOD?! WHY?!
There is NOTHING like coming home to discover that an entire room is coated with a watery layer of shit.
Standing in the rain as @of_the_rose scrubs shit off the floor.
The bathroom is clearly haunted. A ghost lives in the toilet.
On the list of worst things to ever happen, coming home to find my bathtub and bathroom floor covered with shit is, like, fucking awful.
Seriously. It looked like my toilet and bathtub hiccuped or burped or something. #neverforget
I’m still attempting to control my gag reflex. You’d think I’d be better at this.
I thought I had made a rule about me being the only thing allowed to poop on the floor.
I had no words to tell my bartender. Just gag noises and laughtercrying.
Clearly, my life is just one ongoing poop joke
I definitely have an antique mini bar filled with comic books on my sun porch. I greet people with class.
Wore a dress that was too short, got a parking ticket, fell asleep in the morning meeting, and made an awkward introduction at my luncheon.
Oh, and locked myself out of my house.
“Ugh I hate Coldplay” “Um, this is Radiohead” “Really? Then I hate Radiohead” “What?” “It must be an obscure song” “Karma Police?!”
It’s a pickle and siracha sort of morning.
My fucking neighbors and their fucking trash in the street. These people clearly were never loved.
MY SUNBURN IS PEELING! AHHH!
5:30 am can suck it. 6 am just makes me wish I had paid attention at the public speaking classes in college.
A room full of sales people is like, seriously similar to watching birds fight over bread.
Yes, I swear that’s milkshake in my hair.
Well that settles it. Looks like I’m going to start rocking a mohawk for the winter.
“We should get fake pregnant bellies and go out drinking. And smoke. Intentionally bump into shit” #SocialExperimentSunday
I was trying to rap it… You know, so it sounds more legit.
Chatting with a robot right now. A robot that works for the cable company. The world is entirely evil.
Jesus. There is a robot bot.
I have assigned a voice in my head for this robot. It is a girl. A bitchy condescending girl robot.
She just told me “It has been a pleasure to chat with you today” in her creepy robot voice and I’m like 99% certain she was insincere.
The man on table 13 sounds exactly like Ross Perot.
When thinking of the worst things that can happen, seeing a spider run across your pillow just before bed is proof there is no god.
The house was perfectly silent until Tim Gunn got on the phone, then the dog went nutso. It’s like he WANTS to be euthanized.
It is like every single sound I hear today makes me want to punch an infant. #morecoffee
In the night, while we slept, someone stole all the tires. Ooh. People are the worst.
Once again I’m reminded that a cat in the window isn’t a BB gun or a flamer thrower.
The god damn police left the door open. And now there is a second mystery. Floyd? Come back?
We discussed the direct correlation between her running out in the street and the wrinkles on my face. I think we came to an understanding.
I fell down the steps. There are only two, and I fell down them.
I got two ex boyfriends and a microphone…
I’m far too emotionally invested in this episode of #rivermonsters right now. I knew all those years I spent reading books were a waste.
Went to find a snack and discovered there are 3 jars of pickles, a stalk of celery, stale tortillas, 3 slices of pizza and 4 percocets.
The elderly gentleman at the checkout- who was discussing honey badger- just commented on my wine and gummy sharks. Like he’s never done it.
Brainstorming ideas for the new life I will be starting tomorrow after I get a new tooth.
I can’t believe Mazzy Star was the artist they thought belonged on that Gears of War 3 commercial. Seriously.
Have seen 5 balloons this morning on the way to the dentist.
Some dude who looks a lot like Pee Wee Herman is putting his fingers in @lindsaygrocks‘ mouth right now.
Success! I accidentally swallowed a lot of blood so I feel like shit, but hey, I got a tooth!
The jerk dogs know I’m sick/injured yet one still just farted in my face. #thereisnomercy
I found that the pizza bites I was trying to eat were to large to eat without biting so I just sucked the filing out of them. #rockbottom
Recipe time: 12 min. Time it takes me to figure out my order of kitchen operations: 37 min.