Archive | January, 2012

The Juice-Fast Part Two: Death to Juices

27 Jan

A lot of you have asked about how the juice-fast is going. I thought this little update was in order to inform you all of my current dietary habits, or- my current erratic dietary disasters. Here’s my annotated  and abridged Twitter feed regarding the juice disasters.

17 Jan @lindsaygrocks

Day one of juice-fast: encountered first problem. Couldn’t figure out juicer assembly. Went to Sadie’s for enchiladas.

17 Jan @lindsaygrocks

“I’m not going to do more exercise. I’m just going to start not eating.

18 Jan @lindsaygrocks

Floyd, don’t run. It’s not going to be bad. It’s just juice.

(My cat runs screaming from the room at the sight of the juicer.)

18 Jan @lindsaygrocks

It’s a good thing that the shake weight is on Groupon right now because if there was ever anything I needed to learn to exercise…

18 Jan @lindsaygrocks

What the…? Oh- it isn’t plugged in.

18 Jan @lindsaygrocks

Holy! It’s like the cabbage apocalypse.

18 Jan @lindsaygrocks

How? How? HOW? It’s a goddamn JUICER. Stupid smoke alarm.

18 Jan @lindsaygrocks

My first adventure. This smells like nasty/gag reflex/I want a cheeseburger. pic.twitter.com/MpsVk2rr

 View photo

18 Jan @lindsaygrocks

OH THE HUMANITY!

(Cabbage juice is exactly what it sounds like… disgusting.)

18 Jan @lindsaygrocks

I just drank 6 mandarin oranges in about a minute. I feel sick. Yea this diet and I are not going to get along.

18 Jan @lindsaygrocks

I’m starting a juice-fast. I give myself 6 hours. QT @thedandee:@lindsaygrocks Why would you DRINK oranges?

 In reply to thedandee

18 Jan @lindsaygrocks

Juice-fast is bullshit. So fucking hungry.

18 Jan @lindsaygrocks

I just ousted @of_the_rose as the mayor of BrickYard Pizza on@foursquare4sq.com/bhSTgz

 from Brickyard Pizza, Albuquerque

(About eight hours after starting my juice-only diet, I ate pizza.)

20 Jan @lindsaygrocks

You know how some people can bite into their fajitas? I’m jealous of those people.

23 Jan @lindsaygrocks

“That’s really fucked up, Lindsay.” -I tell @of_the_rose there is no caffeine or alcohol on revised-juice-fast-round-two.

(After I failed miserably at abstaining from eating solid, delicious, junk food, I decided to give it another go. Because juicing creates a lot of fruit-pulp, I decided I was allowed to use that pulp for baked goods. I could also eat eggs and yogurt and nuts and such, but not meat. I also had to take a multi-vitamin.)

23 Jan @lindsaygrocks

When I brought home the groceries, Floyd flipped for the carrots. Now she’s acting funny… like there was catnip on them.

23 Jan @lindsaygrocks

Things I Need to do Today: wp.me/p14YNF-5k via @lindsaygrocks

 View media

25 Jan @lindsaygrocks

Perhaps this kamikaze baking wasn’t such a great idea after all…

25 Jan @lindsaygrocks

Rest assured… I have absolutely NO idea what is going on… goddamn smoke alarm.

25 Jan @lindsaygrocks

All was silent and then a loud BANG was heard in the oven. I’m too scared to look.

25 Jan @lindsaygrocks

kitchens gone wild

25 Jan @lindsaygrocks

I found an elegant solution: disable smoke alarm.

25 Jan @lindsaygrocks

OMG OMG how did I make it this far into the day without noticing there is a strange man in my house?! Holy fuckballs!

25 Jan @lindsaygrocks

Ok so the stranger was pretty cute- so I gave him one of the purple muffins I had just lit afire in the oven. He’s like the royal taster.

(My muffins came out bright purple and weighed like 18 pounds each. They tasted like a mix between purple and healthy. Note to self: Next time, keep the different fruit and vegetable pulps SEPARATE from each other. Spinach, celery, orange, carrot, strawberry, blueberry, pear, and cucumber aren’t exactly buddies on the tongue.)

25 Jan @lindsaygrocks

uh oh. Now I can’t figure out how to put the smoke alarm back together.

23h @lindsaygrocks

Coffee + tomatoes… I’ll be right back…

So in the end, I did fail hardcore at the whole juice-fast thing. Hell, I even failed at refraining from meat for a week, but it wasn’t all for naught. For the last few weeks I have succeeded in eating a little healthier, taking vitamins, and reducing my caffeine intake. I don’t know that I will ever eat a bell pepper cupcake again, but I have developed a wider range of eating habits, incorporating more fruits and vegetables. So perhaps all the cheeseburgers and pizza are not necessarily the devil.

I did lose weight, and I’m sure it will come back, but it was extremely rewarding to see my bathroom scale smiling instead of buckling under my weight.

Now if you’ll excuse me, all I have consumed today was a cup of coffee and a pack of multi-vitamins. Feeling a little sick. Going to chow on some yogurt, granola, and fresh fruit (With candied walnuts and drizzled in honey. I never learn.)

Things I Need to do Today:

23 Jan

• Call that lady
• Laundry
• Clean room
• Spring closet cleansing
• Make delicious juices
• Make delicious muffins from juice pulp
• Almost let Floyd out, totally piss her off
• Find passport (see ‘clean room’)
• Drink NO coffee
• Read camera manual
• Fold laundry
• Re-examine life; figure out a healthy way to incorporate coffee
• Sort mail
• Call that one guy
• Don’t go shopping
• Don’t go shopping
• Don’t go shopping
• Clean bathroom
• Prank call annoying neighbors
• Give up on diet…
• Drink coffee…
• Go shopping…
• Rest happily

The Juice-Fast: Part 1

18 Jan

A co-worker of mine told me about a juice-fast he was on. It lasted ten days, and he lost sixteen pounds (that’s TWO Chihuahuas, folks).  Needless to say, I went out and bought a juicer.

Wait a tick… that makes it sound far too simple.  There are three different kinds of juicers, for those who don’t know: masticating, centrifugal, and triturating.  I did my research.  I actually over-researched it to the point that I am now ashamed of how much I know about juicers and the nutritional value of juice.  Anyway.  I found the perfect juicer for my needs (I need it for ten days, to juice fruits and vegetables, and to not judge me as I break down an gorge on beef jerky and pickles).

And this still sounds far too simple.  Let’s say this. Say I get two days off (which I do, and I very much enjoy) and say in those two days, I like to devote one entire day to ‘date day’ (that’s when I go on fun dates).   So I have one day to run errands, cry into my pillow, eat myself sick on ice cream, and call home for updates on the Mississippi weather.

I’ll break it down for you. I researched online, found the most basic juicer for my needs at the best price, and went to try to buy it.

Sunday: Go to Target; decide I cannot commit to the juice-fast, run in terror from the store.

Half hour later: Retract my decision.  Sixteen pounds by eating (drinking) healthy? Let’s do this.  I go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Juicers are about twice as much.  No, thank you.  I go back to Target.  Juicers are now out-of-stock. FML.  I go eat pizza and wings.

Monday: I have resolve; let’s get a goddamn juicer.  I go to a different Target, buy the juicer, go shopping to alleviate the hurt, then go on my date.  I eat dolmathes, chicken and rice soup, a flounder stuffed with crab and shrimp, and go home very proud of myself.

Tuesday morning: try to start juice-fast.  I open the juicer, attempt to assemble it, and as I am making a list of fresh fruit to buy notice that all the parts aren’t in it.  No wonder it wouldn’t put together.  Call every Target in town to find one that has the same model so that I can switch it out.  Only one does, and it is 20 minutes from home.  Whatever.  Let’s do this.  After switching the juicer, I go to my favorite New Mexican restaurant and eat enchiladas.  We will start tomorrow.

Fuck this shit. I better look amazing after juicing.

%d bloggers like this: