A lot of you have asked about how the juice-fast is going. I thought this little update was in order to inform you all of my current dietary habits, or- my current erratic dietary disasters. Here’s my annotated and abridged Twitter feed regarding the juice disasters.
Day one of juice-fast: encountered first problem. Couldn’t figure out juicer assembly. Went to Sadie’s for enchiladas.
“I’m not going to do more exercise. I’m just going to start not eating.
Floyd, don’t run. It’s not going to be bad. It’s just juice.
(My cat runs screaming from the room at the sight of the juicer.)
It’s a good thing that the shake weight is on Groupon right now because if there was ever anything I needed to learn to exercise…
What the…? Oh- it isn’t plugged in.
Holy! It’s like the cabbage apocalypse.
How? How? HOW? It’s a goddamn JUICER. Stupid smoke alarm.
My first adventure. This smells like nasty/gag reflex/I want a cheeseburger. pic.twitter.com/MpsVk2rr
OH THE HUMANITY!
(Cabbage juice is exactly what it sounds like… disgusting.)
I just drank 6 mandarin oranges in about a minute. I feel sick. Yea this diet and I are not going to get along.
Juice-fast is bullshit. So fucking hungry.
(About eight hours after starting my juice-only diet, I ate pizza.)
You know how some people can bite into their fajitas? I’m jealous of those people.
“That’s really fucked up, Lindsay.” -I tell @of_the_rose there is no caffeine or alcohol on revised-juice-fast-round-two.
(After I failed miserably at abstaining from eating solid, delicious, junk food, I decided to give it another go. Because juicing creates a lot of fruit-pulp, I decided I was allowed to use that pulp for baked goods. I could also eat eggs and yogurt and nuts and such, but not meat. I also had to take a multi-vitamin.)
When I brought home the groceries, Floyd flipped for the carrots. Now she’s acting funny… like there was catnip on them.
Perhaps this kamikaze baking wasn’t such a great idea after all…
Rest assured… I have absolutely NO idea what is going on… goddamn smoke alarm.
All was silent and then a loud BANG was heard in the oven. I’m too scared to look.
kitchens gone wild
I found an elegant solution: disable smoke alarm.
OMG OMG how did I make it this far into the day without noticing there is a strange man in my house?! Holy fuckballs!
Ok so the stranger was pretty cute- so I gave him one of the purple muffins I had just lit afire in the oven. He’s like the royal taster.
(My muffins came out bright purple and weighed like 18 pounds each. They tasted like a mix between purple and healthy. Note to self: Next time, keep the different fruit and vegetable pulps SEPARATE from each other. Spinach, celery, orange, carrot, strawberry, blueberry, pear, and cucumber aren’t exactly buddies on the tongue.)
uh oh. Now I can’t figure out how to put the smoke alarm back together.
Coffee + tomatoes… I’ll be right back…
So in the end, I did fail hardcore at the whole juice-fast thing. Hell, I even failed at refraining from meat for a week, but it wasn’t all for naught. For the last few weeks I have succeeded in eating a little healthier, taking vitamins, and reducing my caffeine intake. I don’t know that I will ever eat a bell pepper cupcake again, but I have developed a wider range of eating habits, incorporating more fruits and vegetables. So perhaps all the cheeseburgers and pizza are not necessarily the devil.
I did lose weight, and I’m sure it will come back, but it was extremely rewarding to see my bathroom scale smiling instead of buckling under my weight.
Now if you’ll excuse me, all I have consumed today was a cup of coffee and a pack of multi-vitamins. Feeling a little sick. Going to chow on some yogurt, granola, and fresh fruit (With candied walnuts and drizzled in honey. I never learn.)