Poop Soup

1 Apr

Litttle Frank is disgusting.

Don’t get me wrong, I love guy, but DAMN he does some gross things. Floyd and I are continually astonished by his lack of etiquette and boundaries (every one of my readers is aware of my general air of sophistication, right? Ha.) She’s been trying to help me police him lately, but there’s only so much that can be done.

He’s had some real doozies, let me tell ya.

First, there was the phase (about 8 weeks to 10 weeks old) that he went through of peeing and then attempting to lick it up. Nasty.

He also once got a hold of and ate an entire bag of cashews. He actually cried out in pain as he pooped that out- but then he went back and ate every single partially chewed nut right out of his turd. Barf.

Then came the ‘kitty treats’ phase in which he would crawl into the litter box as if it were an doghouse and eat the clumps of fouled clay. Sometimes he would vomit afterward. And then try to eat his vomit. This behavior earned him the nickname ‘Grody Frank.’

Now that he’s about 14 or 15 weeks, Little F has truly outdone himself. Truly.

Let me tell ya about what happened.

So there I was having an amazing evening. Had a super productive day, had a friend over, was about to go chow some delicious pizza and wine. I’d been out to get groceries for prep and dishing out scooter advice.

I walked inside… And something was amiss. Floyd met me at the door, shaking her head and crying for mercy. There was a general feeling of pain and tension in the air of the whole house, the kind you feel at a funeral home or hospital. Little F was in his kennel in the bedroom, but once he heard the door he started crying, too.

Then came the wall of smell. Oh dear God, the smell.

We rushed to the kennel to find Little F waking up in a pool of his own diarrhea. The kennel is just wire mesh, and the explosive poop had made it two feet out of the kennel. In three directions. It also coated the ceiling on his kennel. It was like he had been a high powered hose spewing watery poo. Or like he had been break dance spinning in his kennel when the shits began.

My friend began mopping the poop soup (good friend, sturdy) and I took the shit coated Little F outside to squeeze the rest of the evil out of him.

Now he’s a basset hound, so his long droopy ears pick up everything on the ground. He has the additional nickname of ‘Swiffer’ for this reason. So needless to say, he had caked his ears in liquid poo, and first thing I did after he sneezed out of his butt all over my whole yard was take him directly in to the bathtub for a severe scrubbing.

After his bath (he hates baths, and he fights a lot) I dried him off, brushed his hair and released the hound. He ran straight back to his kennel where my friend was delivering a last coat of Lysol. He took one look at the kennel, smelled the remnants of his deed, and was so grossed out by himself that he puked- projectiled kibble mid run- and turned and ran out of the room.

I nearly peed my pants laughing. After a point, this shit (pun intended) is just funny.

2 Responses to “Poop Soup”

  1. David Medina April 4, 2013 at 5:22 pm #

    One of the high points of my day is when one of your descriptive narratives makes its way to my inbox! I understand you’re a young woman, but if you ever have a child(human, of course), only then will you truly understand how horrible the consistency and stench of shit can actually get…


    • Lindsay G Rocks April 7, 2013 at 11:26 am #

      I think the motherhood ship has sailed without me, and probably for the best. I can barely keep up with a tiny baby dog and a sixteen year old cat. Sheesh!


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