Say it Ain’t So!

12 Jun

Little F is sick. Violent diarrhea. Violent. He chewed up one of the ice packs I use for my foot. ‘Ice substitute’ it says. ‘Non-toxic’ it says. ‘Do not ingest’ is written on the back.

I’ve got a pretty weak stomach anyway, but the things I have seen come out of this dog are just pure unadulterated evil. Satan dwells in Little Frank’s colon. Demons were expelled- all over my bedroom. I’m talking walls, floors- I threw away the trash can. It was horrific. Horrific. How can so much poop come out of a 30lb puppy? He pooped up a soupy mixture that was actually gelatinous. It was like poop algae. Like vomit poop.

Screw the zombie apocalypse. They should make horror movies about gelatinous shit algae monsters. Nothing can compare to the horror that Little Frank just unleashed. He had such a panicked look on his face. He probably thought the apocalypse was happening in his bowels.

So I dry heaved my way out to the backyard with everything that once was in the bedroom, and anything that couldn’t go in the washing machine (thank God for the ‘sanitary’ function) got thoroughly hosed down and coated in Clorox.

It’s a good thing I love him. Because I died a little on the inside. This experience sealed the  deal. I am never having children.

Here’s my horror movie afternoon soundtrack:

Panic Switch – Silversun Pickups

Barrel of a Gun – Guster

Frank Sinatra – Cake

Debonair – The Afghan Whigs

Fluorescent Adolescent – Arctic Monkeys

All These Things That I’ve Done – The Killers

The Persuaded – Faded Paper Figures

Hearts A Mess – Gotye

Together – The XX

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