Archive | August, 2018

Do You Realize

27 Aug

Today would have been Jim’s 50th birthday.

I did not expect to think about that today. I knew it was his birthday. But I didn’t expect to like really contemplate it.

Yet here I am.

Remembering Jim.

I really do miss him. A lot. So for whatever it is worth, on this day, I have to acknowledge that one of my best friends isn’t here anymore. I don’t get a choice. And he would have told me to go see a movie AND taco night AND tv viewing night this week. One foot in front of the other, kid. Damn he was smart. Still IS. Without even being here. He will not leave me (please don’t, Jim).

Jim was always stubborn like that.

Happy birthday, Jim. Frank sent an eye-wink. Eyebrows and all.

We love you and miss you, buddy. You’re the best.


25 Aug


You know like when you have high hopes for something and then it’s a total dud?

So my week has been fun. My garbage disposal is broken and my dishwasher floods the kitchen with garbage water through the broken sink.

My washing machine flooded the entire utility room and back hallway (someone – not me – installed the hose using zip ties and packing tape) across the only partially completed new plastic floor. Which is already curling and separating from itself with weird gross gaps.

My house is such a half-ass project. Anytime anyone comes to help my mother chases them off with passive aggression and neediness or refuses to have it done right. So helpful. I love fixing things that were clearly broken and ‘some duct tape’ obviously is not the answer but your hillbilly family thinks it is, and once someone tried to ‘fix’ them I now have to ‘fix’ whatever crappy job they did and now 5 other things.

Some things can’t be fixed. Like when she painted my trim while I was at work. Before it even went on the wall.

My microwave and hood over the stove have yet to work and it’s been over a year.

I broke my flip flop first thing this morning and had to wait until lunch hour to change my shoes.

Someone convinced me that I really wanted something and after a while I ended up believing them (even though they’re wrong about me wanting it) and then I didn’t get it, and I have that weird feeling of betrayal.

Betrayal, in my opinion, is one of the worst feelings you can experience. If you think about it. Loneliness is fixable. Sadness is fleeting (think of baby panda bears). Depression is pretty bad but they do have medications and counselors for that. Anger can be reasoned away. Loss hurts, but it is a slow burn and often takes years to process. But it processes. Loss takes its time. Pain is usually immediate and in the moment (however long that is), but you also know that it’ll end, one way or another. It’s just there.

Betrayal is someone you trusted stabbing you right wherever it will hurt the most and then leaving you with loss, so it is pain AND loss, and taking its time to go away. Betrayal is a surprise. The other two we know are going to happen, just don’t always know when. Betrayal cuts feelings through you like a machete but it isn’t as final as if a machete had cut through you.

So yea. Today basically sucked a sack. But what are you gonna do? Wake up tomorrow and fight the battle again. One foot in front of the other.

Most Common Sense

19 Aug

I threw an engagement party and was allergic to the flowers I had chosen for decorations. I went to the state fair and got bitten by a donkey. I went to an alligator rodeo and handled an iguana and got salmonella. I swung off a janky old rope swing and snapped my ankle. I gave someone the bird while closing a car door and ended up with my middle finger locked halfway into that car.

It is possible that I make poor choices.

Want to know what my high school superlative was? Most Common Sense. Which isn’t even like a category- they just made up something for everyone so we wouldn’t feel left out or whatever. But Most Common Sense. That’s what they chose for me. Most Common bloody Sense.

I once drank moonshine given to me by a roadie named ‘Angry Andy’ and have once accepted a ride from a stranger covered in neck and face tattoos by in Pagosa Springs named ‘Spider’. Most Common Sense.

Chased coyotes, swam with barracudas, petted sting rays, walked into glass doors, fallen through my own prank chair (multiple times), thought a glue stick was chapstick, eaten a dog treat, and gone out with my shirt on backwards, and once for my birthday I tried to make old printer ink cartridges explode.

Most common sense.

Trees for the Forest

16 Aug

I guess about 5 years ago this is what I was doing. What am I doing now? Fixing website stuff and just… ugh.

I either need a vacation or a whole new existence. Maybe I can pull off both. Or neither. Til then I’ll be making copies and coffee and crusty little feelings.

In other disheartening news, I think this may have been one of the giants that fell. So that is sad.

Let me tell you about the frog

8 Aug

So a man without a thumb (a Gatorfest story from a couple years back) was passing around a bottle of …rum?… and we were getting rowdy around the campfire.

And the guys were like let’s show this Brit how to catch a frog. Because there was this Brit there on her like first camping trip (she let everyone know like 4 separate times that she came from England and she kept saying bullshit cliches and referring to herself as exotic *eye-roll*. She said ‘Merica’ and that was just it.

Just an early twenties kind of annoying, you know? Except she looked way older than early twenties, so age is anyone’s guess. Act young, look busted… whatever, it is our weekend to be rednecks. We don’t get to be this free all the time. We only get together once a year.

It’s not like no one has ever been to England, either. I’ve been many a time and it’s usually dreary and just… England.

But she kept referring to herself as exotic.

Anyway. Rum and campfire and full bellies and the sounds of the river were kicking in and we wanted to catch frogs.

She caught one frog, made a big fuss about it, went back to the camp fire with her boyfriend (Aaron), snubbed her nose at a s’more Amber made for her, and these men, the alligator wranglers, the old school rednecks with beards and missing digits and with the cool scars, were like… fuck that shit.

Meanwhile I’m still catching frogs.

So they came down, took a picture of me with the frog, and told me to go put it in her hair.

I was like, “I can’t do that, she’s here with a prior lover of mine and that would just seem mean spirited and I don’t want that, she definitely won’t take it the right way, though it would be hilarious…” blah blah blah.

So then I was like “Well, what I will do is take this frog and put it down Aaron’s shirt.”

It’s important in life to know how to compromise.

So then I drop it down Aaron’s shirt (he’s the old lover by the way).

So I drop this frog down my ex-lover’s shirt because I thought it was fucking funny.

It wasn’t.

He flinches and the frog jumps out of his shirt takes 4 big leaps and goes straight for the campfire. Jumps right in.

Then it tried to like burrow under a log that was burning and a man reached into the fire and picked it up and get it out so it wouldn’t die. It is an animal rescue after all. These men are here to help the reptiles.

Frog with a death wish.

And then so he had a burned hand and there’s like a Phantom of the Opera frog out there because it lived surprisingly, hopped right back into the river. The rest of the weekend they started calling me ‘Frog Catcher’, ‘Frog Killer’, ‘Frogicide’…

But mind you I did not kill that frog and it did try to kill itself.

That frog was like ‘Fuck it, I’m done.’

He was like hang out with Aaron or die? Rather die.

But I did not commit frogicide. Let me be clear. It lived.


Animal Magnetism

7 Aug

So I got bit and stalked by a god damn enormous tortoise. Well…. nibbled.

It was like the size of a bucket upturned- it wasn’t a tiny little pet turtle. A garbage can sized tortoise.

There I was, cheering for this girl wrestling her first alligator out of the pond, and keeping an eye on the pile of gators edged up against the fence nose first, just waiting for an errant hand to cross over… considering their size… thinking about the gator the girl was wrangling and… then I felt something MOUTHING MY TOES.

On my list of fears it goes:

  • -Spiders
  • -Snakes

…well, no emu comes before snakes. Or maybe they are tied. Whatever. At any rate turtles just freak me out.

My toenails are painted blue and they told me they thought maybe she wanted berries, or a flower, or that it was the bright color (note to self, next year do not wear nail polish to the reptile rodeo rescue).

Then they told me if she did really chomp down I might lose a toe but she’d spit it out once she realized it wasn’t a plant. She is a herbivore.

This coming from people who have actually sewed digits back on or stored them in formaldehyde.

I was all fuck that but then that dang turtle followed me like a total creeper. If I took a step away, she took 3 steps forward. I went right and so did she. Mind games, man. Every time I turned around she was there. I tried doing a figure 8 and she did a little dance whilst staring me down. It was a stand off.

I got to live my nightmare. And I LIVED. So maybe that is progress? Who knows. Whatever.

Last year I helped man the Open Space booth for the state fair and I got like a few minutes to get away and do Duck Racing (didn’t win) and on the way back I petted a donkey. In serious slow motion it turned slightly and opened its mouth and BIT MY FINGER- mind you didn’t chomp because that’d be amputation right there- but bit down on my finger and wouldn’t let me go until the owner came out and got it off me. It hurt. A lot. My coworker, who would usually laugh at that (as would I), got worried. It held on hard and for a while. Maybe I looked like a carrot.

Maybe I’m just in high demand *wink*

I have gotten bitten by a lot of random things:

  • black widow
  • chagas beetle (just google that one cause it’ll be easier than me explaining it)
  • a bat
  • a frog
  • fish
  • I got a tick while sleeping overnight in the Boston airport. That one is a puzzler.
  • A friend one mine once bit me at an art show. Why? I don’t know.
  • bed bugs (thanks, Amber)
  • a rabbit

Anyway… just absurdity

If I see a llama, I assume it will spit on me, not that it might. Because if it chose one out of thirty people, it’d be me.

It’s just my animal magnetism.

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