25 Aug


You know like when you have high hopes for something and then it’s a total dud?

So my week has been fun. My garbage disposal is broken and my dishwasher floods the kitchen with garbage water through the broken sink.

My washing machine flooded the entire utility room and back hallway (someone – not me – installed the hose using zip ties and packing tape) across the only partially completed new plastic floor. Which is already curling and separating from itself with weird gross gaps.

My house is such a half-ass project. Anytime anyone comes to help my mother chases them off with passive aggression and neediness or refuses to have it done right. So helpful. I love fixing things that were clearly broken and ‘some duct tape’ obviously is not the answer but your hillbilly family thinks it is, and once someone tried to ‘fix’ them I now have to ‘fix’ whatever crappy job they did and now 5 other things.

Some things can’t be fixed. Like when she painted my trim while I was at work. Before it even went on the wall.

My microwave and hood over the stove have yet to work and it’s been over a year.

I broke my flip flop first thing this morning and had to wait until lunch hour to change my shoes.

Someone convinced me that I really wanted something and after a while I ended up believing them (even though they’re wrong about me wanting it) and then I didn’t get it, and I have that weird feeling of betrayal.

Betrayal, in my opinion, is one of the worst feelings you can experience. If you think about it. Loneliness is fixable. Sadness is fleeting (think of baby panda bears). Depression is pretty bad but they do have medications and counselors for that. Anger can be reasoned away. Loss hurts, but it is a slow burn and often takes years to process. But it processes. Loss takes its time. Pain is usually immediate and in the moment (however long that is), but you also know that it’ll end, one way or another. It’s just there.

Betrayal is someone you trusted stabbing you right wherever it will hurt the most and then leaving you with loss, so it is pain AND loss, and taking its time to go away. Betrayal is a surprise. The other two we know are going to happen, just don’t always know when. Betrayal cuts feelings through you like a machete but it isn’t as final as if a machete had cut through you.

So yea. Today basically sucked a sack. But what are you gonna do? Wake up tomorrow and fight the battle again. One foot in front of the other.

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