Archive | accident prone RSS feed for this section

Grinchy Smile

25 Mar

My best friend and I have a way of describing one of my moods- grinchy. I get that grinchy smile like a Dr. Seuss character and then I do something random and mildly annoying like putting wasabi peas in the M&M’s or setting the alarm clock for an absurd hour like 3 a.m. when I know she’s tired or give her boss a full on moon.

So when I was in the Cayman Islands I had this smile A LOT.

One morning after Aaron left for work I somehow stumbled into a rando’s Netflix account on his TV. He used to AirBnB his place out when he traveled so someone a year ago had logged on and it was somehow still there. All the queue was like the Dick Van Dyke show and Fresh Prince and Friends and Disney movies- wholesome shit- so I put on Forensic Files and went to the beach. I came home, we BBQed, went swimming and hung out….14 hours later it was still playing Forensic Files! I fucked up some random person’s queue so bad!

And once we realized what I had done….

we put on a porn. Just to make it super extra weird whenever they log in again.

Grinchy smile.

You Can’t Take Me Anywhere

7 Mar

Last night I went to see Logan with the crew. It started at 7:30 and it’s a 2.25 hour long movie. I wake up at 4:30 a.m. for work these days, and I go to bed early. I fell asleep somewhere in the middle of the movie. While I was asleep, Wolverine stumbles upon a Wolverine comic book and he and Dr. X start debating it or something. I dunno. I was asleep. But apparently at the talk of comic books I started talking back and answering Dr. X.

I quote “You had a blast with Dr. X last night. We can’t take you anywhere.”

At one point I said “No!” so loud I woke myself up.

It’s a good movie at the end.

A reason to throw a party… and to have it catered

17 Nov

​It was surprisingly warm last night in the Airstream. Low sixties, maybe high fifties. I’ve been sleeping in a wool poncho I got in Mexico, so that might very well have been helping as well. Before dawn, a crazy wind kicked in and I had to get up and secure some things, because even with windows and door shut, if not latched properly they rattle like hell. There are plenty of breezes that get through the seals. When I got back in bed Frank crawled under the blanket and poncho with me. It got cold, but not til the sun came up. Then it kept getting colder.

I woke up when the wind literally shook me out of bed. Frank had also skooched me to the edge so that spill was partially his fault too. Falling in the Airstream sucks. You hit everything. Like I could’ve literally landed my head in the oven. The camper was swaying so much because of the deflated tire, the uneven parking space, and the blasted super wind cutting down the mountain at 70mph. I could hear things outside snapping and falling and breaking. Desert debri stings.

I grew up in the south. I know you don’t stay in a trailer in a wind storm. So Frank and I put Cheese-cat outside (he has a safe spot) and went to the grocery store and laundromat. The awful wind wouldn’t stop and it was honestly pissing me off, coupled with a handful of folks being extremely deficient at their jobs, and Frank being a total jerk about some cheese snacks I had in my purse, I was having a truly awful day. I had to fight just to shut doors, keep groceries in their bags, my laundry off the parking lot, and it kept getting colder.

I haven’t yet unpacked any of my bags except a weekend bag from a month ago, because there is nowhere for me to put everything right now. I’m crowded. So at the laundromat I was that human (we’ve all seen them) who literally took off her coat, her sweater, and her socks in public by the washer and threw them all in, then hung out for an hour in only dress pants and a wife beater, doing a crossword by a glass wall on the busiest street in town. My eyes felt like they did when I had pink eye. Was the wind giving me pink eye? The idea pissed me off. I was stewing in crankiness. Not my best showing.

Some rando came over and offered to get me stoned. Seriously. I was that disheveled and unhappy. He buggered off and then people mostly left me alone. But then after an extremely chilly patio beer with Mr. Frank and a pretty sunset we decided to get a cheap hotel room and a warm bath. We shared some junk food and I changed my poncho and now all I felt was tired. 

Oh, and pure joy. Because on the way to get junk food I saw this beauty and had to do a double take.

That’s right. Waffle House has a food truck. So life headed in at least one right direction today. Kaboom, y’all… now what sort of party should I get catered?

The Gambler

9 Sep

Somethings keep remaining funny long after your life should’ve outgrown them. 

  • Watching people trip and fall
  • Friends dropping ice cream cones, tacos, or other cherished food items
  • Listening to someone talk when they have no idea they have food on their face or something in their hair
  • Making someone pull your finger

Now, I know I should be an adult and not chuckle about childish things, but they still crack me up. What’s a girl to do?

I made a friend pull my finger last night, and afterwards said “woof, that’s a relief. That one was a total Gambler.”

He didn’t understand what I meant while I was dying of laughter.

“A Gambler?”

“Oh yes, Bekah’s dad came up with it while we were in college and there was a sharting incident. You know, ‘you’ve got to know when to hold ’em.

Luckily, he was as childishly amused as I was at that.

Viva grown up life!

One wing isn’t even enough…

1 Jul

I have the day off. I slept late, letting my sunburn soak in some much needed aloe. When I went in for breakfast, there were reports of mackerel running so I headed down to the dock to throw a line. No luck, and then the boats started coming in. You can’t win them all.

So then we headed to swim beach, because it was a hot day and the water looked inviting. One can’t spend an entire summer in the ocean and not get in. We went swimming, somewhat reluctantly, as the water is a cutting fifty-something degrees. It was hard and icy but refreshing.

Then upon getting out of freezing water to a really warm beach, Mario went into shock. He got lightheaded, dizzy, sleepy. We got him some juice, Greg sat and made sure he was well, we fed him lunch and propped him up in the deck chairs facing the sun to warm him up and get his blood flowing. We were praying we didn’t have to call the helicopter.

Then we all saw it. Up in the sky there was a crazy color burst through the clouds that slowly took the form of Angel wings (to everyone else, to me it looked like a Cylon Raider in rainbow colors) and it grew bigger and more pronounced, then it faded and shifted off to the north. We all felt amazed by our little moment. And Mario was better. It was timed perfectly.

Pictures didn’t really capture it, but here is my lazy cell phone camera attempt to prove that it was real.


One wing isn’t even enough

…to leave

Greatest Dates of All Time

28 Jun

Ok, my title is misleading. But I recently talked with some friends about some of our favorite dates of all time.

I’ll start with one of my favorites. Girl, young, successful, beautiful, great personality, goes to dinner in Phoenix with a guy she met online and really seems to like. Wears white booty shorts to showcase her rocking body and legs. Sits down… and sharts herself. So immediately she jumps up and backs the whole way out of the restaurant, just repeating over and over that it’s not him, she just has a personal problem. Never sees him again.

A lady I know has MS. When she has to pee, she has to pee. She went on a date with a guy who picked her up in a new, slamming Porsche sports car. When they get to the restaurant, the parking lot is packed and Porsche guy is too cheap (or whatever) for valet. He’s driving all around the parking lot as she says, “Can you just drop me off at the door, I’ll run in to the restroom while you park.” To which he replies, “No no, we’ll find a spot soon.” So they park and as soon as she gets out, she pees herself. Being super resourceful, she sees a water wall fountain by the door, and quickly falls in. Her date freaks out because now she’s a mess. She asks him to drive her home, and he replies that he doesn’t have a towel. She calls a cab. Never sees him again.

My buddy’s mom decided to start dating again, years after her divorce, so she goes online and sets a date with a seemingly mature older gentleman. When he arrives for the date he quickly states, “You don’t look like your picture” and gets up and leaves. Forgets his wallet. She picks it up and follows him to give it back. When he sees her following he takes off running. So then she takes off after him yelling “Mister!”. He runs on, she keeps chasing. I love the visual of two old people in a foot chase down the street. They did not see each other again.

Another guy went out to a club and met someone to go home with. Upon arriving, the man says he hopes it’s not a problem, but he has a couple cats. A couple. They go inside and like 17 cats are running around. He tried to overlook it but about five minutes in has too leave. More pussy than dick in that apartment, as he tells it. Never saw him again.

Anyhow those are just a few. More to come later.

There’s Just No Helping Some People

30 Apr

Saturday mornings may be my new favorite. Today started with an excellent yard sale which resulted in a beautiful, old, wool Hudson Bay blanket.

I was going down to Astro Zombies to tell them I’d be away for a while (last time they thought maybe I was dead or something) and in walking down Silver I passed a tiny street fair selling doner kabobs. Naturally, I went to investigate… and came across a DOGGY COSTUME CONTEST AND DOG THEMED FAIR. A Canadian woman was selling little camper shaped dog houses and they were giving out homemade dog biscuits and the dogs were all adorable.

Frank would’ve been the absolute cutest dog there. I would’ve dressed him up as a turkey. Or a pineapple. Or a gummy bear.

And then Astro Zombies was having a pre-sale and I got a ton of awesome books for half off. What a Saturday!

Enter noon. Driving downtown I came across a tiny little doggie wearing a collar running through the streets. He seemed so calm but clearly confused. I parked and followed him down the sidewalk for a bit but he kept shaking my trail. I got back in the car and just as I was about to force myself to forget all about the tiny dog, he ran across my path and down a street I probably wouldn’t otherwise be walking down. I called out and he stopped, started wagging is tail, and waited as I slowly approached him. The street was rather busy with cars (another car had stopped across the street to help him and the passengers watched in curiosity) and as I was pretty close to the shanty town some vagrants wandered around closer than I’d have liked.

As I got closer the tiny dog yapped a little but still wagged his tail and even took a playful step forward. Suddenly, he turned into a scary demon death monster showing me a mouth full of sharp scary teeth as large as his tiny body. While I was screaming “OH SWEET LORD”, he charged my toes and backed me down the whole street. A homeless man with very few teeth laughed and told me I should watch out for the little ones. I was white when I got back to the car because I was positive I had, in fact, seen a ghost.

But hey at least I had Saturday morning.

%d bloggers like this: