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My Glass Slippers

11 Dec

I went to get a glass of water in the middle of the night. Naturally I dropped the glass and it shattered all about my bare feet on the bathroom floor. As it was the middle of the night I hadn’t bothered to flip the light on, I was relying on the night light.

Which is light blue and motion activated.

So I looked at my feet long enough trying to figure out how to walk out of the glass and wondering how there could possibly be so much of it. Long enough for my motion light to go off, and I was out of range of getting it on again.

So I stood where I was and flailed my arms wildly until I got tired. Then I attempted to drink water right from the tap.

Then I decided maybe I could sleep standing up until the sun came up or just wait to be discovered.

In the end, I turned, made a leap in what was hopefully the right direction, and just shuffled my feet out.

Did it work you might ask?

Somewhat I guess. I mean, I got a lot of glass in my feet, however, I did make it back to bed.

My feet have always been super gnarly anyway.

You know like when you are on vacation in Italy?

2 Oct
Sometimes things can disappoint us. That is just life. Then sometimes you date some bourgeois dude. And when you tell him about a disappointing day you had, he replies,
“You know how like when you go to the Sistine Chapel and it isn’t as big as you thought?”
…To which I reply “You know how sometimes you are homeless and you have to sleep in your car and it isn’t as big as you thought?”
Then I walk through a pile of horse shit and go back to work.

Put a Ring on It.

2 Oct

Holy crap, ya’ll. I got a ring stuck on one of my fingers like last week and I had resigned myself to the fact that I’d probably eventually just lose the digit. I just got the ring off. Pain is real but the freedom I feel right now is straight up magical.

Let me tell you about the frog

8 Aug

So a man without a thumb (a Gatorfest story from a couple years back) was passing around a bottle of …rum?… and we were getting rowdy around the campfire.

And the guys were like let’s show this Brit how to catch a frog. Because there was this Brit there on her like first camping trip (she let everyone know like 4 separate times that she came from London) (but she didn’t live in London, she omitted that fact) and she kept saying bullshit cliches and referring to herself as exotic *eye-roll*. She said ‘Merica’ and that was just it.

Just an early twenties kind of annoying, you know? Except she looked way older than early twenties, so age is anyone’s guess. Act young, look busted… whatever, it is our weekend to be rednecks. We don’t get to be this free all the time. We only get together once a year.

It’s not like no one has ever been to England, either. I’ve been many a time and it’s usually dreary and just… England.

But she kept referring to herself as exotic.

Anyway. Rum and campfire and full bellies and the sounds of the river were kicking in and we wanted to catch frogs.

She caught one frog, made a big fuss about it, went back to the camp fire with her boyfriend (Aaron), snubbed her nose at a s’more Amber made for her, and these men, the alligator wranglers, the old school rednecks with beards and missing digits and with the cool scars, were like… fuck that shit.

Meanwhile I’m still catching frogs.

So they came down, took a picture of me with the frog, and told me to go put it in her hair.

I was like, “I can’t do that, she’s here with a prior lover of mine and that would just seem mean spirited and I don’t want that, she definitely won’t take it the right way, though it would be hilarious…” blah blah blah.

So then I was like “Well, what I will do is take this frog and put it down Aaron’s shirt.”

It’s important in life to know how to compromise.

So then I drop it down Aaron’s shirt (he’s the old lover by the way).

So I drop this frog down my ex-lover’s shirt because I thought it was fucking funny.

It wasn’t.

He flinches and the frog jumps out of his shirt takes 4 big leaps and goes straight for the campfire. Jumps right in.

Then it tried to like burrow under a log that was burning and a man reached into the fire and picked it up and get it out so it wouldn’t die. It is an animal rescue after all. These men are here to help the reptiles.

Frog with a death wish.

And then so he had a burned hand and there’s like a Phantom of the Opera frog out there because it lived surprisingly, hopped right back into the river. The rest of the weekend they started calling me ‘Frog Catcher’, ‘Frog Killer’, ‘Frogicide’…

But mind you I did not kill that frog and it did try to kill itself.

That frog was like ‘Fuck it, I’m done.’

He was like hang out with Aaron or die? Rather die.

But I did not commit frogicide. Let me be clear. It lived.

 

Animal Magnetism

7 Aug

So I got bit and stalked by a god damn enormous tortoise. Well…. nibbled.

It was like the size of a bucket upturned- it wasn’t a tiny little pet turtle. A garbage can sized tortoise.

There I was, cheering for this girl wrestling her first alligator out of the pond, and keeping an eye on the pile of gators edged up against the fence nose first, just waiting for an errant hand to cross over… considering their size… thinking about the gator the girl was wrangling and… then I felt something MOUTHING MY TOES.

On my list of fears it goes:

  • -Spiders
  • TURTLES
  • -Snakes

…well, no emu comes before snakes. Or maybe they are tied. Whatever. At any rate turtles just freak me out.

My toenails are painted blue and they told me they thought maybe she wanted berries, or a flower, or that it was the bright color (note to self, next year do not wear nail polish to the reptile rodeo rescue).

Then they told me if she did really chomp down I might lose a toe but she’d spit it out once she realized it wasn’t a plant. She is a herbivore.

This coming from people who have actually sewed digits back on or stored them in formaldehyde.

I was all fuck that but then that dang turtle followed me like a total creeper. If I took a step away, she took 3 steps forward. I went right and so did she. Mind games, man. Every time I turned around she was there. I tried doing a figure 8 and she did a little dance whilst staring me down. It was a stand off.

I got to live my nightmare. And I LIVED. So maybe that is progress? Who knows. Whatever.

Last year I helped man the Open Space booth for the state fair and I got like a few minutes to get away and do Duck Racing (didn’t win) and on the way back I petted a donkey. In serious slow motion it turned slightly and opened its mouth and BIT MY FINGER- mind you didn’t chomp because that’d be amputation right there- but bit down on my finger and wouldn’t let me go until the owner came out and got it off me. It hurt. A lot. My coworker, who would usually laugh at that (as would I), got worried. It held on hard and for a while. Maybe I looked like a carrot.

Maybe I’m just in high demand *wink*

I have gotten bitten by a lot of random things:

  • black widow
  • chagas beetle (just google that one cause it’ll be easier than me explaining it)
  • a bat
  • a frog
  • fish
  • I got a tick while sleeping overnight in the Boston airport. That one is a puzzler.
  • A friend one mine once bit me at an art show. Why? I don’t know.
  • bed bugs (thanks, Amber)
  • a rabbit

Anyway… just absurdity

If I see a llama, I assume it will spit on me, not that it might. Because if it chose one out of thirty people, it’d be me.

It’s just my animal magnetism.

I’m basically Beyonce sexy

24 Jul

I can start a day off right.

Well I’ll just tell you the story, shall I?

Last night I couldn’t get my phone to charge- I had left it in my truck and it overheated and went all haywire on me for a while.  And I haven’t gotten internet in my house yet. And I needed to do some things that involved me connecting to the world. So I was bored and frustrated. My best friend was out being a butthead (another story entirely).

So I just went to bed without doing like… any chores (and my house is a construction zone so there are always plenty).

I left my laundry in the basket like only half of it folded and still sitting in the bedroom floor in the hamper by the closet…

And got up and did my morning shower and animal chasing and lunch packing and sock matching routine and went to work.

Then I was like, holy crap. What is this smell in here? And I searched for a while before I figured out I hadn’t left an old sandwich in my desk or whatever… it was me.

Then I had to locate it.

I had dog barf on the back of my shirt.

That happened.

I calmly got up and walked out to my truck parked on the street in front of one of the other municipal buildings in our complex, found a different shirt, changed shirts, and walked nonchalantly back inside.

…Then two of the firemen from the building next door came over to introduce themselves.

! facepalm !

They totally saw me change my shirt.

I should have asked them to hose the dog barf off for me.

Doin’ the Cockroach

15 May

I woke up this morning to a giant cockroach crawling across me AS I LAY IN BED.

I totally lost my shit. So gross. I leapt up and pulled all the bedding up with me, threw it on the floor and did a stomping dance that made the punk rocker in me proud. Things were knocked off of the bedside table, the remote was thrown across the room- I was like one step away from tossing a TV through a window just for the hell of it, because I already felt like a Pink Floyd video.

After my tantrum I systematically looked through my sheets to make sure the thing was dead.

So I need the Ghostbusters to come and watch me when I’m asleep and an exterminator to basically blow up every cockroach on my block. Why can’t my bats eat cockroaches? Nature is crazy.

It gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about that thing. I’m just going to go see Modest Mouse and try to forget.

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