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Let me tell you about the frog

8 Aug

So a man without a thumb (a Gatorfest story from a couple years back) was passing around a bottle of …rum?… and we were getting rowdy around the campfire.

And the guys were like let’s show this Brit how to catch a frog. Because there was this Brit there on her like first camping trip (she let everyone know like 4 separate times that she came from London) (but she didn’t live in London, she omitted that fact) and she kept saying bullshit cliches and referring to herself as exotic *eye-roll*. She said ‘Merica’ and that was just it.

Just an early twenties kind of annoying, you know? Except she looked way older than early twenties, so age is anyone’s guess. Act young, look busted… whatever, it is our weekend to be rednecks. We don’t get to be this free all the time. We only get together once a year.

It’s not like no one has ever been to England, either. I’ve been many a time and it’s usually dreary and just… England.

But she kept referring to herself as exotic.

Anyway. Rum and campfire and full bellies and the sounds of the river were kicking in and we wanted to catch frogs.

She caught one frog, made a big fuss about it, went back to the camp fire with her boyfriend (Aaron), snubbed her nose at a s’more Amber made for her, and these men, the alligator wranglers, the old school rednecks with beards and missing digits and with the cool scars, were like… fuck that shit.

Meanwhile I’m still catching frogs.

So they came down, took a picture of me with the frog, and told me to go put it in her hair.

I was like, “I can’t do that, she’s here with a prior lover of mine and that would just seem mean spirited and I don’t want that, she definitely won’t take it the right way, though it would be hilarious…” blah blah blah.

So then I was like “Well, what I will do is take this frog and put it down Aaron’s shirt.”

It’s important in life to know how to compromise.

So then I drop it down Aaron’s shirt (he’s the old lover by the way).

So I drop this frog down my ex-lover’s shirt because I thought it was fucking funny.

It wasn’t.

He flinches and the frog jumps out of his shirt takes 4 big leaps and goes straight for the campfire. Jumps right in.

Then it tried to like burrow under a log that was burning and a man reached into the fire and picked it up and get it out so it wouldn’t die. It is an animal rescue after all. These men are here to help the reptiles.

Frog with a death wish.

And then so he had a burned hand and there’s like a Phantom of the Opera frog out there because it lived surprisingly, hopped right back into the river. The rest of the weekend they started calling me ‘Frog Catcher’, ‘Frog Killer’, ‘Frogicide’…

But mind you I did not kill that frog and it did try to kill itself.

That frog was like ‘Fuck it, I’m done.’

He was like hang out with Aaron or die? Rather die.

But I did not commit frogicide. Let me be clear. It lived.

 

Animal Magnetism

7 Aug

So I got bit and stalked by a god damn enormous tortoise. Well…. nibbled.

It was like the size of a bucket upturned- it wasn’t a tiny little pet turtle. A garbage can sized tortoise.

There I was, cheering for this girl wrestling her first alligator out of the pond, and keeping an eye on the pile of gators edged up against the fence nose first, just waiting for an errant hand to cross over… considering their size… thinking about the gator the girl was wrangling and… then I felt something MOUTHING MY TOES.

On my list of fears it goes:

  • -Spiders
  • TURTLES
  • -Snakes

…well, no emu comes before snakes. Or maybe they are tied. Whatever. At any rate turtles just freak me out.

My toenails are painted blue and they told me they thought maybe she wanted berries, or a flower, or that it was the bright color (note to self, next year do not wear nail polish to the reptile rodeo rescue).

Then they told me if she did really chomp down I might lose a toe but she’d spit it out once she realized it wasn’t a plant. She is a herbivore.

This coming from people who have actually sewed digits back on or stored them in formaldehyde.

I was all fuck that but then that dang turtle followed me like a total creeper. If I took a step away, she took 3 steps forward. I went right and so did she. Mind games, man. Every time I turned around she was there. I tried doing a figure 8 and she did a little dance whilst staring me down. It was a stand off.

I got to live my nightmare. And I LIVED. So maybe that is progress? Who knows. Whatever.

Last year I helped man the Open Space booth for the state fair and I got like a few minutes to get away and do Duck Racing (didn’t win) and on the way back I petted a donkey. In serious slow motion it turned slightly and opened its mouth and BIT MY FINGER- mind you didn’t chomp because that’d be amputation right there- but bit down on my finger and wouldn’t let me go until the owner came out and got it off me. It hurt. A lot. My coworker, who would usually laugh at that (as would I), got worried. It held on hard and for a while. Maybe I looked like a carrot.

Maybe I’m just in high demand *wink*

I have gotten bitten by a lot of random things:

  • black widow
  • chagas beetle (just google that one cause it’ll be easier than me explaining it)
  • a bat
  • a frog
  • fish
  • I got a tick while sleeping overnight in the Boston airport. That one is a puzzler.
  • A friend one mine once bit me at an art show. Why? I don’t know.
  • bed bugs (thanks, Amber)
  • a rabbit

Anyway… just absurdity

If I see a llama, I assume it will spit on me, not that it might. Because if it chose one out of thirty people, it’d be me.

It’s just my animal magnetism.

I’m basically Beyonce sexy

24 Jul

I can start a day off right.

Well I’ll just tell you the story, shall I?

Last night I couldn’t get my phone to charge- I had left it in my truck and it overheated and went all haywire on me for a while.  And I haven’t gotten internet in my house yet. And I needed to do some things that involved me connecting to the world. So I was bored and frustrated. My best friend was out being a butthead (another story entirely).

So I just went to bed without doing like… any chores (and my house is a construction zone so there are always plenty).

I left my laundry in the basket like only half of it folded and still sitting in the bedroom floor in the hamper by the closet…

And got up and did my morning shower and animal chasing and lunch packing and sock matching routine and went to work.

Then I was like, holy crap. What is this smell in here? And I searched for a while before I figured out I hadn’t left an old sandwich in my desk or whatever… it was me.

Then I had to locate it.

I had dog barf on the back of my shirt.

That happened.

I calmly got up and walked out to my truck parked on the street in front of one of the other municipal buildings in our complex, found a different shirt, changed shirts, and walked nonchalantly back inside.

…Then two of the firemen from the building next door came over to introduce themselves.

! facepalm !

They totally saw me change my shirt.

I should have asked them to hose the dog barf off for me.

Doin’ the Cockroach

15 May

I woke up this morning to a giant cockroach crawling across me AS I LAY IN BED.

I totally lost my shit. So gross. I leapt up and pulled all the bedding up with me, threw it on the floor and did a stomping dance that made the punk rocker in me proud. Things were knocked off of the bedside table, the remote was thrown across the room- I was like one step away from tossing a TV through a window just for the hell of it, because I already felt like a Pink Floyd video.

After my tantrum I systematically looked through my sheets to make sure the thing was dead.

So I need the Ghostbusters to come and watch me when I’m asleep and an exterminator to basically blow up every cockroach on my block. Why can’t my bats eat cockroaches? Nature is crazy.

It gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about that thing. I’m just going to go see Modest Mouse and try to forget.

2 for 2

28 Mar

They come in packs of two.

Spanks, or the knock off brand. Whatever. We all know what I’m talking about. The belly crushing underwear that makes your ass look amazingly artificial and your intestines constrict.

One fun consequence: they will make you poop your pants. Just saying. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow- but soon. And it’s something you may remember for the rest of your life.

Let me paint you a picture. Set the scene if you will. So here I am, just moved back to town, broke, tired, starting school again and working a new job. I go out on this date- a first date. We go to this brewery with awesome southern food and everything is going well. Kinda. Mid fried okra I start to get the rumble. You know. The rumble. And as the rumble sets in the date launches off on this intense story that he’s all into and pantomiming and I’m attempting to discretely back away and try to politely excuse myself to the bathroom.

He won’t just SHUT UP!!

I’m like starting to sweat. I don’t want to be rude, but these tummy tuckers are seriously about to make me shit myself. I back away attempting to excuse myself and he just leans in closer to give his story more intensity.

Then the situation gets real. I tell him I’ll be right back, run to the restroom, drop some mad heat, and wish I didn’t exist. Underwear in the trash, I return, tail between my legs so to speak.

Funny, he actually asked me out on a second date after that. QUESTIONABLE.

What’s worse is I didn’t even learn my lesson. Because they come in packs of twos. And I still had another pair. Months go by and my memory fades and… I wore the fuckers again. And again, it crushed all of my organs into a tiny little ball and again, I pooped my pants. Well, sundress the second time.

Moral of the story?

Don’t wear underwear.

A reason to throw a party… and to have it catered

17 Nov

​It was surprisingly warm last night in the Airstream. Low sixties, maybe high fifties. I’ve been sleeping in a wool poncho I got in Mexico, so that might very well have been helping as well. Before dawn, a crazy wind kicked in and I had to get up and secure some things, because even with windows and door shut, if not latched properly they rattle like hell. There are plenty of breezes that get through the seals. When I got back in bed Frank crawled under the blanket and poncho with me. It got cold, but not til the sun came up. Then it kept getting colder.

I woke up when the wind literally shook me out of bed. Frank had also skooched me to the edge so that spill was partially his fault too. Falling in the Airstream sucks. You hit everything. Like I could’ve literally landed my head in the oven. The camper was swaying so much because of the deflated tire, the uneven parking space, and the blasted super wind cutting down the mountain at 70mph. I could hear things outside snapping and falling and breaking. Desert debri stings.

I grew up in the south. I know you don’t stay in a trailer in a wind storm. So Frank and I put Cheese-cat outside (he has a safe spot) and went to the grocery store and laundromat. The awful wind wouldn’t stop and it was honestly pissing me off, coupled with a handful of folks being extremely deficient at their jobs, and Frank being a total jerk about some cheese snacks I had in my purse, I was having a truly awful day. I had to fight just to shut doors, keep groceries in their bags, my laundry off the parking lot, and it kept getting colder.

I haven’t yet unpacked any of my bags except a weekend bag from a month ago, because there is nowhere for me to put everything right now. I’m crowded. So at the laundromat I was that human (we’ve all seen them) who literally took off her coat, her sweater, and her socks in public by the washer and threw them all in, then hung out for an hour in only dress pants and a wife beater, doing a crossword by a glass wall on the busiest street in town. My eyes felt like they did when I had pink eye. Was the wind giving me pink eye? The idea pissed me off. I was stewing in crankiness. Not my best showing.

Some rando came over and offered to get me stoned. Seriously. I was that disheveled and unhappy. He buggered off and then people mostly left me alone. But then after an extremely chilly patio beer with Mr. Frank and a pretty sunset we decided to get a cheap hotel room and a warm bath. We shared some junk food and I changed my poncho and now all I felt was tired. 

Oh, and pure joy. Because on the way to get junk food I saw this beauty and had to do a double take.

That’s right. Waffle House has a food truck. So life headed in at least one right direction today. Kaboom, y’all… now what sort of party should I get catered?

Amidst in the Mist

26 Sep

My mom is visiting.

My friend is leaving. 

On sad circumstances which is the worst. He’s had his moments where he really impressed me. Freaking each other out about our haunted house, fishing, smoking in the attic, gossiping like children… too many to list. He has no idea but just a week earlier we made a playlist together. It was first thing in the morning, the hours before we really converse with each other. He played a song he knew I liked. He wasn’t playing it for me. He was just jamming to wake up. It made my mind kick into gear as well. It made me think of another song. Next time I passed by his station he had another great song going. It made me think of one as well. I started jotting them down. 

I call the playlist Wednesday Morning and it is perfect for solo dance parties (or parties with other people), car trips, putting your make up on before work, boat rides, or even first thing in the morning. 

Thank you, Clay. Every one can make a memory. I have memories AND a concrete reminder of our fun together. 

I prefer it played on shuffle:

  • Into the Mirror – Minus the Bear
  • Let it Happen – Tame Impala
  • Summertime Sadness – Lana del Rey
  • Sun in the Morning – Future Islands
  • Little Wing – Jimi Hendrix
  • The Less I Know the Better – Tame Impala
  • Home – Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
  • Lower the Heavens – the Donkeys
  • Paper Thin Walls – Modest Mouse
  • It’s Summertime – The Flaming Lips
  • House of the rising Sun – the Animals 
  • Flying pizza. – Lousy Robot
  • Fleetwood Mac – Gypsy
  • Doves (Vince Clark Remix) – Future Islands
  • Have You Ever Seen the Rain? – Creedence Clearwater Revival
  • A Dream of You and Me – Future Islands
  • Heart Cooks Brain – Modest Mouse
  • Soul Meets Body – Death Cab for Cutie
  • Buenas Tardes Amigo – Ween
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