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Let me tell you about the frog

8 Aug

So a man without a thumb (a Gatorfest story from a couple years back) was passing around a bottle of …rum?… and we were getting rowdy around the campfire.

And the guys were like let’s show this Brit how to catch a frog. Because there was this Brit there on her like first camping trip (she let everyone know like 4 separate times that she came from London) (but she didn’t live in London, she omitted that fact) and she kept saying bullshit cliches and referring to herself as exotic *eye-roll*. She said ‘Merica’ and that was just it.

Just an early twenties kind of annoying, you know? Except she looked way older than early twenties, so age is anyone’s guess. Act young, look busted… whatever, it is our weekend to be rednecks. We don’t get to be this free all the time. We only get together once a year.

It’s not like no one has ever been to England, either. I’ve been many a time and it’s usually dreary and just… England.

But she kept referring to herself as exotic.

Anyway. Rum and campfire and full bellies and the sounds of the river were kicking in and we wanted to catch frogs.

She caught one frog, made a big fuss about it, went back to the camp fire with her boyfriend (Aaron), snubbed her nose at a s’more Amber made for her, and these men, the alligator wranglers, the old school rednecks with beards and missing digits and with the cool scars, were like… fuck that shit.

Meanwhile I’m still catching frogs.

So they came down, took a picture of me with the frog, and told me to go put it in her hair.

I was like, “I can’t do that, she’s here with a prior lover of mine and that would just seem mean spirited and I don’t want that, she definitely won’t take it the right way, though it would be hilarious…” blah blah blah.

So then I was like “Well, what I will do is take this frog and put it down Aaron’s shirt.”

It’s important in life to know how to compromise.

So then I drop it down Aaron’s shirt (he’s the old lover by the way).

So I drop this frog down my ex-lover’s shirt because I thought it was fucking funny.

It wasn’t.

He flinches and the frog jumps out of his shirt takes 4 big leaps and goes straight for the campfire. Jumps right in.

Then it tried to like burrow under a log that was burning and a man reached into the fire and picked it up and get it out so it wouldn’t die. It is an animal rescue after all. These men are here to help the reptiles.

Frog with a death wish.

And then so he had a burned hand and there’s like a Phantom of the Opera of frog out there because it lived surprisingly, hopped right back into the river. The rest of the weekend they started calling me ‘Frog Catcher’, ‘Frog Killer’, ‘Frogicide’…

But mind you I did not kill that frog and it did try to kill itself.

That frog was like ‘Fuck it, I’m done.’

He was like hang out with Aaron or die? Rather die.

But I did not commit frogicide. Let me be clear. It lived.

 

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Animal Magnetism

7 Aug

So I got bit and stalked by a god damn enormous tortoise. Well…. nibbled.

It was like the size of a bucket upturned- it wasn’t a tiny little pet turtle. A garbage can sized tortoise.

There I was, cheering for this girl wrestling her first alligator out of the pond, and keeping an eye on the pile of gators edged up against the fence nose first, just waiting for an errant hand to cross over… considering their size… thinking about the gator the girl was wrangling and… then I felt something MOUTHING MY TOES.

On my list of fears it goes:

  • -Spiders
  • TURTLES
  • -Snakes

…well, no emu comes before snakes. Or maybe they are tied. Whatever. At any rate turtles just freak me out.

My toenails are painted blue and they told me they thought maybe she wanted berries, or a flower, or that it was the bright color (note to self, next year do not wear nail polish to the reptile rodeo rescue).

Then they told me if she did really chomp down I might lose a toe but she’d spit it out once she realized it wasn’t a plant. She is a herbivore.

This coming from people who have actually sewed digits back on or stored them in formaldehyde.

I was all fuck that but then that dang turtle followed me like a total creeper. If I took a step away, she took 3 steps forward. I went right and so did she. Mind games, man. Every time I turned around she was there. I tried doing a figure 8 and she did a little dance whilst staring me down. It was a stand off.

I got to live my nightmare. And I LIVED. So maybe that is progress? Who knows. Whatever.

Last year I helped man the Open Space booth for the state fair and I got like a few minutes to get away and do Duck Racing (didn’t win) and on the way back I petted a donkey. In serious slow motion it turned slightly and opened its mouth and BIT MY FINGER- mind you didn’t chomp because that’d be amputation right there- but bit down on my finger and wouldn’t let me go until the owner came out and got it off me. It hurt. A lot. My coworker, who would usually laugh at that (as would I), got worried. It held on hard and for a while. Maybe I looked like a carrot.

Maybe I’m just in high demand *wink*

I have gotten bitten by a lot of random things:

  • black widow
  • chagis beetle (just google that one cause it’ll be easier than me explaining it)
  • a bat
  • a frog
  • fish
  • I got a tick while sleeping overnight in the Boston airport. That one is a puzzler.
  • A friend one mine once bit me at an art show. Why? I don’t know.
  • bed bugs (thanks, Amber)
  • a rabbit

Anyway… just absurdity

If I see a llama, I assume it will spit on me, not that it might. Because if it chose one out of thirty people, it’d be me.

It’s just my animal magnetism.

 

Grumpy

18 Jul

A quick list of my frustrations:

Ok I don’t like the office life that has now become me. I worry that it is making me fat. I am starting to dislike the smell of coffee. I hate being like “This heat, huh?” or “TGIF” or “Feels like a Monday”.

I don’t like having to grieve with people because I would rather do it alone. I don’t care for watching the big strong people in my life hurting.

I hate trying to keep my house clean because it is just too big and the crap never ends. Dirt comes in every window and door anytime I look away.

I hate hearing peoples’ everyday problems when I have my own. I’m too much of a sponge.

….I guess I would I would say I am grumpy today. Little bit hormonal and I have a toothache.

I had to go to like 3 different places to get flowers for a funeral I don’t want to go to and why is everyone in the world a butthead?

It’s like….I want to be a good person and do the right thing and stand up but I also just want to punch this life in the face and demand another.

Also it doesn’t help that I can’t breathe now since I broke my nose again so I have to mouth breathe and it’s harder than that sounds so I literally suck in every breath I take. It is gross. I sound like a total creep. And I still don’t have healthcare.

And it is still not raining.

Me to this summer: “How dare you. On just every single level. How the fuck dare you.”

I also think I need an emergency dentist or pliers. But no one I know will pull a tooth out for me so I would have to do it myself. The boyfriend told me I can die if I get blood poisoning and I probably have that. And scurvy. And like arthritis. And like Ebola or something. Rabies.

But at the end of the day the hot guy at work’s brother followed me on Instagram so I guess I’m like basically famous.

Me to this summer: “Bring it.”

Doin’ the Cockroach

15 May

I woke up this morning to a giant cockroach crawling across me AS I LAY IN BED.

I totally lost my shit. So gross. I leapt up and pulled all the bedding up with me, threw it on the floor and did a stomping dance that made the punk rocker in me proud. Things were knocked off of the bedside table, the remote was thrown across the room- I was like one step away from tossing a TV through a window just for the hell of it, because I already felt like a Pink Floyd video.

After my tantrum I systematically looked through my sheets to make sure the thing was dead.

So I need the Ghostbusters to come and watch me when I’m asleep and an exterminator to basically blow up every cockroach on my block. Why can’t my bats eat cockroaches? Nature is crazy.

It gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about that thing. I’m just going to go see Modest Mouse and try to forget.

Owl the Pretty Things

25 Apr

I have spent much of this morning cleaning the tiny skeleton of a field mouse. Because there is an owl. And lots of tiny mammal carnage. I’ve been cleaning a skull and mandible of a good sized little mouse, but there are birds and rabbits and lizard bones out there too. Owls are seriously bad ass. They swallow an animal whole, crunch it up with their rock star bellies, and barf out a pellet that is just a reduced ball of bones and fur. Like a compactor.

So there are bones scattered everywhere underneath this grainery tube attached to an old warehouse. We climbed up there to figure out where the nest was (there was one lone owl feather as our clue) and look around at all the cool stuff that he has left scattered around. Including- but not limited to- the mouse skull with a leg bone sticking through it. Which I picked up and carried back to my office.

That’s right. I walked around with owl poop and mouse bits in my hand this morning.

I regret nothing.

 

2 for 2

28 Mar

They come in packs of two.

Spanks, or the knock off brand. Whatever. We all know what I’m talking about. The belly crushing underwear that makes your ass look amazingly artificial and your intestines constrict.

One fun consequence: they will make you poop your pants. Just saying. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow- but soon. And it’s something you may remember for the rest of your life.

Let me paint you a picture. Set the scene if you will. So here I am, just moved back to town, broke, tired, starting school again and working a new job. I go out on this date- a first date. We go to this brewery with awesome southern food and everything is going well. Kinda. Mid fried okra I start to get the rumble. You know. The rumble. And as the rumble sets in the date launches off on this intense story that he’s all into and pantomiming and I’m attempting to discretely back away and try to politely excuse myself to the bathroom.

He won’t just SHUT UP!!

I’m like starting to sweat. I don’t want to be rude, but these tummy tuckers are seriously about to make me shit myself. I back away attempting to excuse myself and he just leans in closer to give his story more intensity.

Then the situation gets real. I tell him I’ll be right back, run to the restroom, drop some mad heat, and wish I didn’t exist. Underwear in the trash, I return, tail between my legs so to speak.

Funny, he actually asked me out on a second date after that. QUESTIONABLE.

What’s worse is I didn’t even learn my lesson. Because they come in packs of twos. And I still had another pair. Months go by and my memory fades and… I wore the fuckers again. And again, it crushed all of my organs into a tiny little ball and again, I pooped my pants. Well, sundress the second time.

Moral of the story?

Don’t wear underwear.

If the Genes fit

27 Mar

So I got my DNA results back, y’all. I got a DNA test kit for Christmas to look at what makes me me. As it turns out…I’m white. Super duper white.

AncestryDNAStory-Lindsay-270318

So I’m basically just walking skin cancer.

Le sigh. No Dino DNA, no Albino Mongolian, not even a little bit Ninja Turtle. Just white.

dna

 

 

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