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Doin’ the Cockroach

15 May

I woke up this morning to a giant cockroach crawling across me AS I LAY IN BED.

I totally lost my shit. So gross. I leapt up and pulled all the bedding up with me, threw it on the floor and did a stomping dance that made the punk rocker in me proud. Things were knocked off of the bedside table, the remote was thrown across the room- I was like one step away from tossing a TV through a window just for the hell of it, because I already felt like a Pink Floyd video.

After my tantrum I systematically looked through my sheets to make sure the thing was dead.

So I need the Ghostbusters to come and watch me when I’m asleep and an exterminator to basically blow up every cockroach on my block. Why can’t my bats eat cockroaches? Nature is crazy.

It gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about that thing. I’m just going to go see Modest Mouse and try to forget.

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Owl the Pretty Things

25 Apr

I have spent much of this morning cleaning the tiny skeleton of a field mouse. Because there is an owl. And lots of tiny mammal carnage. I’ve been cleaning a skull and mandible of a good sized little mouse, but there are birds and rabbits and lizard bones out there too. Owls are seriously bad ass. They swallow an animal whole, crunch it up with their rock star bellies, and barf out a pellet that is just a reduced ball of bones and fur. Like a compactor.

So there are bones scattered everywhere underneath this grainery tube attached to an old warehouse. We climbed up there to figure out where the nest was (there was one lone owl feather as our clue) and look around at all the cool stuff that he has left scattered around. Including- but not limited to- the mouse skull with a leg bone sticking through it. Which I picked up and carried back to my office.

That’s right. I walked around with owl poop and mouse bits in my hand this morning.

I regret nothing.

 

2 for 2

28 Mar

They come in packs of two.

Spanks, or the knock off brand. Whatever. We all know what I’m talking about. The belly crushing underwear that makes your ass look amazingly artificial and your intestines constrict.

One fun consequence: they will make you poop your pants. Just saying. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow- but soon. And it’s something you may remember for the rest of your life.

Let me paint you a picture. Set the scene if you will. So here I am, just moved back to town, broke, tired, starting school again and working a new job. I go out on this date- a first date. We go to this brewery with awesome southern food and everything is going well. Kinda. Mid fried okra I start to get the rumble. You know. The rumble. And as the rumble sets in the date launches off on this intense story that he’s all into and pantomiming and I’m attempting to discretely back away and try to politely excuse myself to the bathroom.

He won’t just SHUT UP!!

I’m like starting to sweat. I don’t want to be rude, but these tummy tuckers are seriously about to make me shit myself. I back away attempting to excuse myself and he just leans in closer to give his story more intensity.

Then the situation gets real. I tell him I’ll be right back, run to the restroom, drop some mad heat, and wish I didn’t exist. Underwear in the trash, I return, tail between my legs so to speak.

Funny, he actually asked me out on a second date after that. QUESTIONABLE.

What’s worse is I didn’t even learn my lesson. Because they come in packs of twos. And I still had another pair. Months go by and my memory fades and… I wore the fuckers again. And again, it crushed all of my organs into a tiny little ball and again, I pooped my pants. Well, sundress the second time.

Moral of the story?

Don’t wear underwear.

If the Genes fit

27 Mar

So I got my DNA results back, y’all. I got a DNA test kit for Christmas to look at what makes me me. As it turns out…I’m white. Super duper white.

AncestryDNAStory-Lindsay-270318

So I’m basically just walking skin cancer.

Le sigh. No Dino DNA, no Albino Mongolian, not even a little bit Ninja Turtle. Just white.

dna

 

 

Parks and Wrecks a Haiku

5 Oct

I told a coworker to write a poem on the old typewriter I found. I could see him counting on his fingers and thinking of phrases silently. A normal person would assume he was writing a Haiku.

I got this instead:

"Lindsay in disguise

Grinchy grin always wins

Always use the half rule"

So….yea….

I actually kind of love it.

Grinchy Smile

25 Mar

My best friend and I have a way of describing one of my moods- grinchy. I get that grinchy smile like a Dr. Seuss character and then I do something random and mildly annoying like putting wasabi peas in the M&M’s or setting the alarm clock for an absurd hour like 3 a.m. when I know she’s tired or give her boss a full on moon.

So when I was in the Cayman Islands I had this smile A LOT.

One morning after Aaron left for work I somehow stumbled into a rando’s Netflix account on his TV. He used to AirBnB his place out when he traveled so someone a year ago had logged on and it was somehow still there. All the queue was like the Dick Van Dyke show and Fresh Prince and Friends and Disney movies- wholesome shit- so I put on Forensic Files and went to the beach. I came home, we BBQed, went swimming and hung out….14 hours later it was still playing Forensic Files! I fucked up some random person’s queue so bad!

And once we realized what I had done….

we put on a porn. Just to make it super extra weird whenever they log in again.

Grinchy smile.

You Can’t Take Me Anywhere

7 Mar

Last night I went to see Logan with the crew. It started at 7:30 and it’s a 2.25 hour long movie. I wake up at 4:30 a.m. for work these days, and I go to bed early. I fell asleep somewhere in the middle of the movie. While I was asleep, Wolverine stumbles upon a Wolverine comic book and he and Prof. X start debating it or something. I dunno. I was asleep. But apparently at the talk of comic books I started talking back and answering Prof. X.

I quote “You had a blast with Prof. X last night. We can’t take you anywhere.”

At one point I said “No!” so loud I woke myself up.

It’s a good movie at the end. I think.

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