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2 for 2

28 Mar

They come in packs of two.

Spanks, or the knock off brand. Whatever. We all know what I’m talking about. The belly crushing underwear that makes your ass look amazingly artificial and your intestines constrict.

One fun consequence: they will make you poop your pants. Just saying. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow- but soon. And it’s something you may remember for the rest of your life.

Let me paint you a picture. Set the scene if you will. So here I am, just moved back to town, broke, tired, starting school again and working a new job. I go out on this date- a first date. We go to this brewery with awesome southern food and everything is going well. Kinda. Mid fried okra I start to get the rumble. You know. The rumble. And as the rumble sets in the date launches off on this intense story that he’s all into and pantomiming and I’m attempting to discretely back away and try to politely excuse myself to the bathroom.

He won’t just SHUT UP!!

I’m like starting to sweat. I don’t want to be rude, but these tummy tuckers are seriously about to make me shit myself. I back away attempting to excuse myself and he just leans in closer to give his story more intensity.

Then the situation gets real. I tell him I’ll be right back, run to the restroom, drop some mad heat, and wish I didn’t exist. Underwear in the trash, I return, tail between my legs so to speak.

Funny, he actually asked me out on a second date after that. QUESTIONABLE.

What’s worse is I didn’t even learn my lesson. Because they come in packs of twos. And I still had another pair. Months go by and my memory fades and… I wore the fuckers again. And again, it crushed all of my organs into a tiny little ball and again, I pooped my pants. Well, sundress the second time.

Moral of the story?

Don’t wear underwear.

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If the Genes fit

27 Mar

So I got my DNA results back, y’all. I got a DNA test kit for Christmas to look at what makes me me. As it turns out…I’m white. Super duper white.

AncestryDNAStory-Lindsay-270318

So I’m basically just walking skin cancer.

Le sigh. No Dino DNA, no Albino Mongolian, not even a little bit Ninja Turtle. Just white.

dna

 

 

I have the good toilet paper

7 Feb

I’ve turned into an old lady since slightly before my 5th 29th birthday. I’m even crankier in the mornings, I need even more sleep, I have a bedtime now, I’m stuck in my routines which makes having houseguests a unique form of torture for me, I can’t drink white wine after dinner and I carry antacids in my purse. As I grow older, one of my best friends has decided she would rather be 22 again for some reason.

One night, late at night *eyeroll* – it was like 9pm – she called and told me we were going out ‘dancing’. Now, this is Albuquerque on a school night, there is nowhere to go out dancing and if you pretend to you end up in some total amateur shit hole questioning your life decisions and wondering how humanity could have failed us so colossally.

I considered my sweatpants, my pizza bagels, and the fancy toilet paper I had just bought. I thought about pillows and snuggling Frank and warm running water.

Instead of saying anything coherent or normal I answered “No, I don’t know what kind of toilet paper they are going to have.”

This is what my life has become.

Mi quinto 29

28 Jan

Things I would like for my birthday:

A haircut and my nails done
Massage
Flowers
Bowling
Candy
An electric drill
A robot
A garden in the backyard
Peace of mind
Some focus
Comic books
A trip to Maine
Karaoke
Someone to tile my bathroom for me
A vacation
Champagne
Music
A full tank of gas
Snuggles
A cheeseburger

A mulligan for the last 17 years

lindsay

Also, these are my other birthday lists, if you are interested in the evolution of Lindsay
http://wp.me/p14YNF-N
https://lindsaygrocks.com/2015/02/03/the-queen-of-wishful-thinking/

Parks and Wrecks a Haiku

5 Oct

I told a coworker to write a poem on the old typewriter I found. I could see him counting on his fingers and thinking of phrases silently. A normal person would assume he was writing a Haiku.

I got this instead:

"Lindsay in disguise

Grinchy grin always wins

Always use the half rule"

So….yea….

I actually kind of love it.

Mario

7 May

A little video of our summer together…

Grinchy Smile

25 Mar

My best friend and I have a way of describing one of my moods- grinchy. I get that grinchy smile like a Dr. Seuss character and then I do something random and mildly annoying like putting wasabi peas in the M&M’s or setting the alarm clock for an absurd hour like 3 a.m. when I know she’s tired or give her boss a full on moon.

So when I was in the Cayman Islands I had this smile A LOT.

One morning after Aaron left for work I somehow stumbled into a rando’s Netflix account on his TV. He used to AirBnB his place out when he traveled so someone a year ago had logged on and it was somehow still there. All the queue was like the Dick Van Dyke show and Fresh Prince and Friends and Disney movies- wholesome shit- so I put on Forensic Files and went to the beach. I came home, we BBQed, went swimming and hung out….14 hours later it was still playing Forensic Files! I fucked up some random person’s queue so bad!

And once we realized what I had done….

we put on a porn. Just to make it super extra weird whenever they log in again.

Grinchy smile.

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