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Animal Magnetism

7 Aug

So I got bit and stalked by a god damn enormous tortoise. Well…. nibbled.

It was like the size of a bucket upturned- it wasn’t a tiny little pet turtle. A garbage can sized tortoise.

There I was, cheering for this girl wrestling her first alligator out of the pond, and keeping an eye on the pile of gators edged up against the fence nose first, just waiting for an errant hand to cross over… considering their size… thinking about the gator the girl was wrangling and… then I felt something MOUTHING MY TOES.

On my list of fears it goes:

  • -Spiders
  • TURTLES
  • -Snakes

…well, no emu comes before snakes. Or maybe they are tied. Whatever. At any rate turtles just freak me out.

My toenails are painted blue and they told me they thought maybe she wanted berries, or a flower, or that it was the bright color (note to self, next year do not wear nail polish to the reptile rodeo rescue).

Then they told me if she did really chomp down I might lose a toe but she’d spit it out once she realized it wasn’t a plant. She is a herbivore.

This coming from people who have actually sewed digits back on or stored them in formaldehyde.

I was all fuck that but then that dang turtle followed me like a total creeper. If I took a step away, she took 3 steps forward. I went right and so did she. Mind games, man. Every time I turned around she was there. I tried doing a figure 8 and she did a little dance whilst staring me down. It was a stand off.

I got to live my nightmare. And I LIVED. So maybe that is progress? Who knows. Whatever.

Last year I helped man the Open Space booth for the state fair and I got like a few minutes to get away and do Duck Racing (didn’t win) and on the way back I petted a donkey. In serious slow motion it turned slightly and opened its mouth and BIT MY FINGER- mind you didn’t chomp because that’d be amputation right there- but bit down on my finger and wouldn’t let me go until the owner came out and got it off me. It hurt. A lot. My coworker, who would usually laugh at that (as would I), got worried. It held on hard and for a while. Maybe I looked like a carrot.

Maybe I’m just in high demand *wink*

I have gotten bitten by a lot of random things:

  • black widow
  • chagis beetle (just google that one cause it’ll be easier than me explaining it)
  • a bat
  • a frog
  • fish
  • I got a tick while sleeping overnight in the Boston airport. That one is a puzzler.
  • A friend one mine once bit me at an art show. Why? I don’t know.
  • bed bugs (thanks, Amber)
  • a rabbit

Anyway… just absurdity

If I see a llama, I assume it will spit on me, not that it might. Because if it chose one out of thirty people, it’d be me.

It’s just my animal magnetism.

 

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I’m basically Beyonce sexy

24 Jul

I can start a day off right.

Well I’ll just tell you the story, shall I?

Last night I couldn’t get my phone to charge- I had left it in my truck and it overheated and went all haywire on me for a while.  And I haven’t gotten internet in my house yet. And I needed to do some things that involved me connecting to the world. So I was bored and frustrated. My best friend was out being a butthead (another story entirely).

So I just went to bed without doing like… any chores (and my house is a construction zone so there are always plenty).

I left my laundry in the basket like only half of it folded and still sitting in the bedroom floor in the hamper by the closet…

And got up and did my morning shower and animal chasing and lunch packing and sock matching routine and went to work.

Then I was like, holy crap. What is this smell in here? And I searched for a while before I figured out I hadn’t left an old sandwich in my desk or whatever… it was me.

Then I had to locate it.

I had dog barf on the back of my shirt.

That happened.

I calmly got up and walked out to my truck parked on the street in front of one of the other municipal buildings in our complex, found a different shirt, changed shirts, and walked nonchalantly back inside.

…Then two of the firemen from the building next door came over to introduce themselves.

! facepalm !

They totally saw me change my shirt.

I should have asked them to hose the dog barf off for me.

Grumpy

18 Jul

A quick list of my frustrations:

Ok I don’t like the office life that has now become me. I worry that it is making me fat. I am starting to dislike the smell of coffee. I hate being like “This heat, huh?” or “TGIF” or “Feels like a Monday”.

I don’t like having to grieve with people because I would rather do it alone. I don’t care for watching the big strong people in my life hurting.

I hate trying to keep my house clean because it is just too big and the crap never ends. Dirt comes in every window and door anytime I look away.

I hate hearing peoples’ everyday problems when I have my own. I’m too much of a sponge.

….I guess I would I would say I am grumpy today. Little bit hormonal and I have a toothache.

I had to go to like 3 different places to get flowers for a funeral I don’t want to go to and why is everyone in the world a butthead?

It’s like….I want to be a good person and do the right thing and stand up but I also just want to punch this life in the face and demand another.

Also it doesn’t help that I can’t breathe now since I broke my nose again so I have to mouth breathe and it’s harder than that sounds so I literally suck in every breath I take. It is gross. I sound like a total creep. And I still don’t have healthcare.

And it is still not raining.

Me to this summer: “How dare you. On just every single level. How the fuck dare you.”

I also think I need an emergency dentist or pliers. But no one I know will pull a tooth out for me so I would have to do it myself. The boyfriend told me I can die if I get blood poisoning and I probably have that. And scurvy. And like arthritis. And like Ebola or something. Rabies.

But at the end of the day the hot guy at work’s brother followed me on Instagram so I guess I’m like basically famous.

Me to this summer: “Bring it.”

Owl the Pretty Things

25 Apr

I have spent much of this morning cleaning the tiny skeleton of a field mouse. Because there is an owl. And lots of tiny mammal carnage. I’ve been cleaning a skull and mandible of a good sized little mouse, but there are birds and rabbits and lizard bones out there too. Owls are seriously bad ass. They swallow an animal whole, crunch it up with their rock star bellies, and barf out a pellet that is just a reduced ball of bones and fur. Like a compactor.

So there are bones scattered everywhere underneath this grainery tube attached to an old warehouse. We climbed up there to figure out where the nest was (there was one lone owl feather as our clue) and look around at all the cool stuff that he has left scattered around. Including- but not limited to- the mouse skull with a leg bone sticking through it. Which I picked up and carried back to my office.

That’s right. I walked around with owl poop and mouse bits in my hand this morning.

I regret nothing.

 

Parks and Wrecks a Haiku

5 Oct

I told a coworker to write a poem on the old typewriter I found. I could see him counting on his fingers and thinking of phrases silently. A normal person would assume he was writing a Haiku.

I got this instead:

"Lindsay in disguise

Grinchy grin always wins

Always use the half rule"

So….yea….

I actually kind of love it.

All About that Bosque

1 Mar

Lunch today is brought to you by the letter G for gumbo. And by Jill and Raf (who made the gumbo).

It’s been a while since I posted so let me catch yall all up to speed. I got a new job, and decided to go back to school. These were independent decisions but of course with my luck, they both manifested and began on the same day. So I went from exactly zero to one hundred in a matter of seconds. I am still working to catch my breath.

The job is wonderful, and exactly what I wanted in my life right now. Maine was great but I was constantly wondering about the logistics behind the island. What environmental measures are in place to keep the bird populations happy and healthy? Is anyone studying the seal family over on Nigh Duck? How much of this sewage that we funnel into the harbor ends up inside of cod? How much erosion takes place in Cathedral woods each spring? …These are the sorts of things I wondered about. All the while the humidity was wreaking havoc on my bones and so I swore my next job would have the option of a chair. I got my wish. I now work for the Open Space Division (part of the Parks and Recreation Department) for the City of Albuquerque. Open Space manages nearly 30,000 acres of wetland, volcanoes, bosque, the Rio Grande, and petroglyphs among many other things, with the purpose of acquiring, protecting, and maintaining the natural landscapes and cultural resources that both enhance our urban environment and provide wildlife habitats.

I do love this desert. With the recent political environment and feeling of doom, I suppose I should be in the public sector, fighting to preserve the places that are threatened. We all do our part.

resist

A reason to throw a party… and to have it catered

17 Nov

​It was surprisingly warm last night in the Airstream. Low sixties, maybe high fifties. I’ve been sleeping in a wool poncho I got in Mexico, so that might very well have been helping as well. Before dawn, a crazy wind kicked in and I had to get up and secure some things, because even with windows and door shut, if not latched properly they rattle like hell. There are plenty of breezes that get through the seals. When I got back in bed Frank crawled under the blanket and poncho with me. It got cold, but not til the sun came up. Then it kept getting colder.

I woke up when the wind literally shook me out of bed. Frank had also skooched me to the edge so that spill was partially his fault too. Falling in the Airstream sucks. You hit everything. Like I could’ve literally landed my head in the oven. The camper was swaying so much because of the deflated tire, the uneven parking space, and the blasted super wind cutting down the mountain at 70mph. I could hear things outside snapping and falling and breaking. Desert debri stings.

I grew up in the south. I know you don’t stay in a trailer in a wind storm. So Frank and I put Cheese-cat outside (he has a safe spot) and went to the grocery store and laundromat. The awful wind wouldn’t stop and it was honestly pissing me off, coupled with a handful of folks being extremely deficient at their jobs, and Frank being a total jerk about some cheese snacks I had in my purse, I was having a truly awful day. I had to fight just to shut doors, keep groceries in their bags, my laundry off the parking lot, and it kept getting colder.

I haven’t yet unpacked any of my bags except a weekend bag from a month ago, because there is nowhere for me to put everything right now. I’m crowded. So at the laundromat I was that human (we’ve all seen them) who literally took off her coat, her sweater, and her socks in public by the washer and threw them all in, then hung out for an hour in only dress pants and a wife beater, doing a crossword by a glass wall on the busiest street in town. My eyes felt like they did when I had pink eye. Was the wind giving me pink eye? The idea pissed me off. I was stewing in crankiness. Not my best showing.

Some rando came over and offered to get me stoned. Seriously. I was that disheveled and unhappy. He buggered off and then people mostly left me alone. But then after an extremely chilly patio beer with Mr. Frank and a pretty sunset we decided to get a cheap hotel room and a warm bath. We shared some junk food and I changed my poncho and now all I felt was tired. 

Oh, and pure joy. Because on the way to get junk food I saw this beauty and had to do a double take.

That’s right. Waffle House has a food truck. So life headed in at least one right direction today. Kaboom, y’all… now what sort of party should I get catered?

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