Tag Archives: bad luck

Kung Fu Furballs

29 Mar

So I’ve been on a super budget lately while saving up for the summer, but even poor people get bored and want to go see a movie. I really want to see Batman v Superman, but I can wait a bit if it saves me $15. So the date and I went to the dollar theater and saw Kung Fu Panda 3 (which is adorable, btw). I call it the sticky foot theater because, well, your feet stick to all the grime and spilled soda on the floor.

We sat, eating popcorn and giggling, till near the end of the movie. I ate a handful of popcorn, thought something felt wrong, and pulled a hair out of my mouth.

Now I’ve been a little super stressed lately and my hair has been falling out because of it (I know, it is the plot of a horror movie in the making, and here I thought I was starring in a slapstick comedy) so I wasn’t sure if the hair was mine or someone else’s. I sat the popcorn on the floor.

My date leaned over and said, “Is there a lot of hair in that popcorn?”

WHAT THE FUCK?!

I just looked at him like he was an idiot- because he is- and ground my teeth for the rest of the movie. It really is funny and cute. I liked Kate Hudson’s panda character.

Anyway so at the end of the movie I let loose with the “WTF? Why did’t you say something? Whats wrong with you?”

And he answers, “You know what’s really messed up? I kept eating it. I found like 4 or 5 hairs and didn’t think anything of it.”

…What do you say to that? I just stared, astounded.

Phew. For a minute there, I lost myself

11 Sep

Sleeping in the rainforest. I was dreaming about the memory again last night.

We set up camp in the Olympic Mountains underneath a giant tree stump as big as the truck. We ate the fresh salmon we had bought in Olympia. After dinner we walked down to Hood Canal and took a swim in the bioluminescence. The water was cool and clear and glowing and perfect.

And for a moment there was peace. 

We got out of the water and walked along the shoreline for a while. The beach was dark and quiet and serene. So dark, in fact, that we had somehow missed this sign:

Screen shot 2013-09-11 at 11.09.13 AM

 

I should know better than to think things can be so perfect.

Wild Pack of Family Dogs

15 Jul

Bekah and I met in Belize. Boston, barracudas, viper, and archaeology were involved. But that’s a story for later. That’s a story I will write next week. But anyhow, so we met in the summer of 2005 in Belize and somehow I convinced her to move to New Mexico and attend UNM with me. We got a crappy dumpy house next to the university and a blow up mattress, some folding lawn chairs, and stole WiFi from the Wendy’s. On the weekends we would go out and explore the archaeological sites of northern New Mexico and made friends with our idiotic frat boy neighbors. Back when we were young, (even more) silly, and full of wonder. When we had nothing, and yet we had it all.

This picture from 2006 sums it up rather nicely. (I’m the one with the pickle).

Screen shot 2013-07-15 at 11.29.52 PM

Bekah had never been camping before. Being a city girl, fresh from Boston, she hadn’t done lots of things. Learned to drive a car, ridden a bike… but camping. That just seemed such a shame to me. We had just spent a summer or two in the rainforest and so we were up for anything. I had spent a research semester working at Chaco Canyon and I convinced Bekah and some of our idiotic neighbors to come out for the weekend with me so I could show them around all the sites. Chaco Canyon is unparalleled in beauty and culture and history. It really is a must see.

So it came to be that Bekah went on her first camping trip.

We packed up the old Subaru and headed out. We wanted a scenic route. And we also thought we were invincible. And we were both somewhat new to the desert southwest.

The Chaco Canyon website has this warning:

Warning: Some of the local roads recommended by map publishers and services using GPS devised to access Chaco are unsafe for passenger cars. Please use our written directions below to avoid getting lost or stuck.

I had even spent a semester out there and chose somehow to not heed this warning. So… yes we started late in the day. Yes, it got dark. We got lost. The water was up in the wash and we were afraid to try to cross. What to do? We set up camp right where we were- wherever that was.

There was no moon and it was really dark. We pulled our little caravan into a U shape and pitched the tents. Pulled out the hot dogs, snacks, some beer, and I’m fairly certain someone brought out a hookah. We proceeded to eat, drink, and be merry out in the middle of the desert, far from anyone or anything.

We thought.

One of the neighbors we brought along was a little green (I’m pretty sure he was still a teenager, if memory serves me) and he ended up a little sick and woozy, lying at the edge of our camp circle staring out into the distance.

“Guys. Guys. Guys.” he was shouting. We were ignoring him. “Something is out there! Something is watching me!”

“Shut up” we laughed, tossing bits of bread and things at him.

And then after a few minutes he would start again. Finally he was getting quite persistent and borderline hysterical, so we all looked over at him, out across the sagebrush and prickly pear and into…

A pair of eyes reflecting red in the beams of our flashlights. And then another pair.

A wild pack of dogs had smelled us and heard our commotion and come up on us without our noticing. A panic ensued, with folks tripping over other folks and screaming and running. I ended up in the car with Bekah. The sick boy was in the backseat, moaning. She and I were frantically running over scenarios of what to do, how we could get away. Finally (and this is how she tells it though I personally deny all suggestions about my inner redneck) I looked over at Bekah, dead serious and straight faced, and proclaimed, “Imma git ’em.”

I proceeded to put the car in drive and to the appropriate tune of banjo music I bounced us over the brush and dirt and actually tried to chase off the dogs, the kid in back dangling his head out the window and puking the whole time.

Well, I guess I did chase off the dogs, and I don’t remember how but we did end up getting to sleep that night. When we awoke in the morning we discovered that we had camped right on the EDGE OF A GIANT CLIFF.

And that was Bekah’s first camping trip.

Remind me sometime to tell you about the second time we encountered a wild dog out west. 😉

Punching Bags

15 Jan

My cat just came to hang out with me. She sat next to me while I slept, watched me for a bit, and then punched me in the face.

Which caused the biggest nosebleed of my life to occur. A true gusher.

My teeth ache. And my eyes. I’m worried she may have broken my nose.

How can so much blood come out of a face?

She maimed me (on accident) and now I know that my heart still works because it is pumping a steady flow of blood through my nostrils.

Fun fact: nosebleeds make you want to sneeze. Supplemental fun fact: it looks like American Psycho in here.

That’s good. This is actually a good thing. Maybe I needed some all-encompassing face pain to distract me from my heartbreak (life).

Always so wise, Floyd.

I swear to god if I get black eyes from this I’m giving up. No more fucks will be given.

Turns out I really like the taste of blood, though (probably something I shouldn’t say on the interwebs).

Ah, salmon steaks on the face. Classic Tuesday.

Anybody Want a Chihuahua?

16 Feb

I hate my dog.

Not really. I love my dog. I just love her less now.

I will explain.

Not often, but every now and then someone does something and you can just never look at them the same way ever again. Right? Well that happened. In a big way. I was just reminded of it so I thought I would relay the story on to all of my little ducklings so that I do not become Cruella de Vil in anyone’s eyes. Always helps to know the facts.

I’m not even sure how to tell it. I get emotional at the memory.

So there I was, lying on the couch watching TV and eating a Toblerone. Kiki, the dog, she snuggled up next to me on the pillow. She’s a Chihuahua mix so she can fit in pretty small places. She also eats poop in the backyard sometimes.

She waited…

And waited…

And right as I took a bite of the chocolate bar…

she PUKED POOP.

That’s not the kicker.

You ready for it?

She PUKED the POOP right onto my FACE! As I had chocolate in my mouth!

It will never be the same after that stunt. I started puking- for like an hour. It was the barf-apocalypse. And I scrubbed myself harder than Lady Macbeth, but still everytime I look at her I smell that AWFUL foulness. Chocolate will never be the same, either.

Image

It was my Vietnam.

Did I Ever Tell You About the Time….

16 Nov

So I do have one story.

I have been trying to live on the cheap. I started trying to eat at home more (I got food poisoning) I quit shopping (which resulted in me trying to ‘alter’ all my clothes and hardly any of them survived) stopped attending brunch (it’s all champagne anyway) and quit taking cabs when I don’t want to ride the bus or walk. But the best… the real winner is I decided to save $100 by dying my hair at home instead of a salon. And… big surprise…. it didn’t work.

So on Sunday I went to Walgreens and got some home hair dye that said ‘reddish brown’ and went home, put it in my hair, and it came out NEON pink and ORANGE. Horrifying.

I thought it was kind of funny though, because as long as I referred to it as ‘super hero hair’ my boyfriend found it totally sexy and I hadn’t had that high of hopes for dying my own hair anyway. But I was still a little peeved.

You know how on the right hand side of your Facebook feed there is always that ‘People You May Know’ or friend suggestions or whatever? Well Twitter has something similar on the right hand side that says “Who to follow.” Well THAT DAY on my Twitter, on the side, was @ClairolColor (Clairol beauty products) and the bio was all about how they have excellent hair color (reliable was a word thrown haphazardly around) I was a bit bitchy and cranky so I wrote a tweet that said:

@ClairolColor I look like Ronald MacDonald and a troll doll’s love child. Excellent work. Keep it up”

Luckily, Monday is my off-day. So I wore a hat to Walgreens and got a box called ‘medium brown’ and I figured that’d be dark enough to cover it. When I got home, I found a tweet from @ClairolColor and I was kind of stoked that my little joke got heard all the way from Albuquerque – except that the reply said:

@lindsaygrocks Oh no! I want to help. DM me your info so we can chat!”

And I don’t know why but I was still all sassy so I Dm’d something that wasn’t the nicest thing I have ever said to anyone or any hair color company ever.

So they send another about a Color Expert to which I didn’t reply and another about how they wanted to insure satisfaction to which I didn’t reply…

Meantime I try to dye my hair brown, which doesn’t work, just makes it darker super hero color.

And meantime I notice a lot of activity on my Twitter- like 30 new followers in an hour or so (I usually get one or two a day)

And then at around 3pm my phone rang from a 513 number and I looked over, joking, and said, “It’s probably the fucking Clairol people.”

It was Clairol.

Some one in Clairol called and started with “Is this Lindsay? Yes? Well, I read your tweet… something about Ronald MacDonald and…”

“And a troll doll, yes. That was me.”

So then she talks to me about what I did, how I did it, and offers to pay a salon to fix it for me! I should complain about way more things way more often!!

The best part is, as she was hanging up, she says all awkwardly and regrettably, “Thanks for tweeting” – no shit.

Thanks Twitter, for bringing the common people and ‘The Man’ together everyday.

My Life, Abridged

27 Sep

I realized I hadn’t posted in a while. I also realized that I (as usual) have nothing to say. So here is a severely abridged account of my Twitter feed since my last post.  The highlights include a bird getting into the house and dying in the refrigerator, homemade food poisoning, sewage seeping from bathroom pipes, my cat getting lost, and of course, me having multiple dental issues. 

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

Birds love dying around me lately.

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

I wonder if it was a boy or girl bird that met its maker inside the fridge.

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

Dear Sunflower: ‘French’ is not a flavor.

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

I didn’t die in the shower today yet I still might succeed in killing myself #foodpoisoning

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

This is why I should not be allowed to cook.

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

O U C H

lindsaygrocks 19 Jul

This is how shitty I feel: I’m watching Twilight.

lindsaygrocks 19 Jul

@of_the_rose tried to kill us today. It was worse than that time I thought we fell in a hole, but we didn’t.

of_the_rose 19 Jul

A&E could do a 2-hour episode of Intervention for #BroUpCrew.

lindsaygrocks 20 Jul

“It’s not your species, its your horrible personality.” – Bronx, to the neighbor’s cat.

lindsaygrocks 20 Jul

#ABQ is so #GothamCity with this judge/prostitution scandal going on. I would love to be horrified but I’m too busy assembling a #BatSignal

lindsaygrocks 20 Jul

At @LaunchpadABQ to see @colourmusic. It’s fantastic.

lindsaygrocks 22 Jul

…guess who found the scissors… and now has a super sexy haircut?

lindsaygrocks 22 Jul

It’s just about ‘intervention-thirty’.

lindsaygrocks 26 Jul

There are so many feathers on the patio. It’s like someone killed a chicken. And I missed it.

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

Ready for yet another disappointing trip to the dentist. Go go gadget dentures.

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

Children’s toys always look so disgusting.

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

I hate the word ‘pulp’ when listening to a dentist tell me about my teeth.

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

Somedays, you just need to look at a dentist with tears in your eyes, scream “why?!” and then punch him in the nose.

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

Two words: Shark week

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

“…a reign of terror against fur seals”

lindsaygrocks 2 Aug

Putting on my big girl panties…

lindsaygrocks 3 Aug

It just goes to show… you never know what a smile and a cheeseburger might mean to someone.

lindsaygrocks 5 Aug

Nothing is more miserable than a horrible musician, a coffee shop, and a spare guitar

lindsaygrocks 7 Aug

So goes the summer of the dead tooth

lindsaygrocks 7 Aug

Things I need to prepare for tax free weekend at the mall: half a percocet and a gin martini.

lindsaygrocks 7 Aug

I’m fully aware that I am a grown woman who takes gummy vitamins.

lindsaygrocks 7 Aug

Am celebrating my first day off with champagne and new pillows.

lindsaygrocks 10 Aug

So remember when I had that dead tooth? I think I just killed a toe. Dead toe.

lindsaygrocks 12 Aug

This day has had it in for me ever since I got stood up and another toe abandoned ship.

lindsaygrocks 12 Aug

We walk into a bar. @of_the_rose is complimented on his shirt by the bartender, who as an afterthought, says to me ‘your dress is nice too.’

of_the_rose 12 Aug

@lindsaygrocks is mad at me because I just woke her up from a dream where she was about to get the recipe for Busch’s Baked Beans. #FF

lindsaygrocks 13 Aug

I’ll have the plate of cholesterol with a side of afternoon alone with the windows open.

lindsaygrocks 14 Aug

Proud to announce that my baby (the barrel of Maker’s Mark with my name on it) has moved into its warehouse. Thank you, Kentucky.

lindsaygrocks 16 Aug

Getting off working a double, sipping a delicious gin martini, and some wonderful anonymous person is sending over shots of Jameson.

lindsaygrocks 22 Aug

Things I can see from the window in my shower: 3 backyards, 16 trees, 11 houses, 9 fences, 6 cars…

lindsaygrocks 22 Aug

I freaking love the fact that there is a BakedBeansBot.

lindsaygrocks 23 Aug

When I got into the car, Miley Cyrus’ ‘Party in the USA’ was blaring. So now that is stuck in my head for the afternoon. God hates me.

lindsaygrocks 23 Aug

Today is totally an ‘ends in cheeseburger’ sort of day. Headed to Holy Cow.

lindsaygrocks 25 Aug

It’s one of those mornings when I accidentally took melatonin instead of aspirin. So, there’s that obstacle.

lindsaygrocks 25 Aug

She sits next to me and watches me work, but does she ever offer to help? No. I say she gets a job and starts buying me human food. Lazy cat.

lindsaygrocks 26 Aug

As the day progresses and I move to my second coffee shop, I’m reminded that I’m not really a people person.

lindsaygrocks 26 Aug

Today is as good a day as any to learn about beer.

lindsaygrocks 26 Aug

It’s almost magical when the broken printer returns to the world of the living.

lindsaygrocks 28 Aug

I hate that these mannequins have better abs than i do.

lindsaygrocks 28 Aug

After shopping for a new scent, @of_the_rose and I now smell like many different types of date rape.

lindsaygrocks 28 Aug

@supersloth exactly Burberry + Diesel + Tom Ford = eau de douchebag

lindsaygrocks 28 Aug

Bunch of whiteys here to see a middle class white hip hop star. Rock on, suburbia.

lindsaygrocks 31 Aug

So tired i got in the shower in my bra. Dumbass.

lindsaygrocks 31 Aug

The load sizes on my washing machine go small, large, extra large. Questionable.

lindsaygrocks 31 Aug

Even before that concussion I just gave myself on my rear view, it was unreasonable to expect me to park any closer than 2.5 ft to the curb.

lindsaygrocks 31 Aug

One of those nights when I am rearranging the furniture in an attempt to change my life. The result so far: I’m bruised and a little drunk.

lindsaygrocks 1 Sep

This is, quite possibly, the worst day of my life.

MarylandMudflap 1 Sep

You never see a cyborg throw a guy into a pinball machine anymore. Maybe you never did. Who knows? I’ve been drinking since eggs.

lindsaygrocks 1 Sep

If Facebook had an eye, I would have poked him in the eye by now

lindsaygrocks 3 Sep

I’ve had an ongoing poop joke with my best friend for about six years. That’s love.

lindsaygrocks 3 Sep

Just showed @of_the_rose a picture of me when I was fat and living in a yurt. I’m pretty sure we just broke up.

of_the_rose 3 Sep

Ever since @lindsaygrocks & I made our relationship official on Facebook she’s been trying to break up with me by telling me about her BMs.

lindsaygrocks 4 Sep

“You know what’s awesome? We didn’t get food poisoning.”

lindsaygrocks 5 Sep

He giggles, “have you seen your back today?” as if he’s never seen a double X sunburned on somebody.

lindsaygrocks 6 Sep

BUY THINGS FROM ME!!!! AHHHH (sales girl breaks down)

MoCannoli 6 Sep

On my lunch break I went to the zoo, punched a stoned koala in the face and stole his eucalyptus plant. Fuck this recession.

lindsaygrocks 6 Sep

And just like that… Fall happened.

lindsaygrocks 6 Sep

It’s like pulling god dam teeth. Trust me. I would know.

lindsaygrocks 6 Sep

Naturally, I am stuck in the rain.

lindsaygrocks 7 Sep

Sometimes I actually bore myself to tears.

lindsaygrocks 7 Sep

I need a map of Albuquerque. I’ve lived here nearly seven years and I still never know where the hell I am.

lindsaygrocks 8 Sep

That chick at the bar totally just deep-throated a spoonful of sugar. Her medicine goes down.

lindsaygrocks 9 Sep

“Does it always look like that? Or is it just a bad day?” -some guy, talking about my dog.

lindsaygrocks 8 Sep

Did you know if you purchase pickles in bulk they come in a bucket? A bucket.

lindsaygrocks 10 Sep

Pass

lindsaygrocks 10 Sep

I cannot eat my lunch yet. It’s still making noise.

lindsaygrocks 10 Sep

Seriously, at this age, who among us hasn’t ridden a mechanical bull?

lindsaygrocks 10 Sep

Just found a secret on-ramp to I-40 in Albuquerque. It was literally as exciting as finding a shortcut in Mario Kart. I’m totally beating Bowser.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

WHY GOD?! WHY?!

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

There is NOTHING like coming home to discover that an entire room is coated with a watery layer of shit.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

Standing in the rain as @of_the_rose scrubs shit off the floor.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

The bathroom is clearly haunted. A ghost lives in the toilet.

of_the_rose 11 Sep

On the list of worst things to ever happen, coming home to find my bathtub and bathroom floor covered with shit is, like, fucking awful.

of_the_rose 11 Sep

Seriously. It looked like my toilet and bathtub hiccuped or burped or something. #neverforget

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

I’m still attempting to control my gag reflex. You’d think I’d be better at this.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

I thought I had made a rule about me being the only thing allowed to poop on the floor.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

I had no words to tell my bartender. Just gag noises and laughtercrying.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

Clearly, my life is just one ongoing poop joke

lindsaygrocks 12 Sep

I definitely have an antique mini bar filled with comic books on my sun porch. I greet people with class.

lindsaygrocks 13 Sep

Wore a dress that was too short, got a parking ticket, fell asleep in the morning meeting, and made an awkward introduction at my luncheon.

lindsaygrocks 13 Sep

Oh, and locked myself out of my house.

lindsaygrocks 13 Sep

“Ugh I hate Coldplay” “Um, this is Radiohead” “Really? Then I hate Radiohead” “What?” “It must be an obscure song” “Karma Police?!”

lindsaygrocks 14 Sep

#BroUpCrew I think we need a support group Sunday Brunch. I’m running out of poop jokes. @ThomasDecaro @xysmas @fresh_flamingo @of_the_rose

lindsaygrocks 14 Sep

It’s a pickle and siracha sort of morning.

lindsaygrocks 14 Sep

My fucking neighbors and their fucking trash in the street. These people clearly were never loved.

lindsaygrocks 14 Sep

MY SUNBURN IS PEELING! AHHH!

lindsaygrocks 15 Sep

5:30 am can suck it. 6 am just makes me wish I had paid attention at the public speaking classes in college.

lindsaygrocks 15 Sep

A room full of sales people is like, seriously similar to watching birds fight over bread.

lindsaygrocks 15 Sep

Yes, I swear that’s milkshake in my hair.

lindsaygrocks 16 Sep

#FF @NMCheeseburgers because there is a new review out, and it is a delicious read.

lindsaygrocks 16 Sep

Well that settles it. Looks like I’m going to start rocking a mohawk for the winter.

lindsaygrocks 18 Sep

“We should get fake pregnant bellies and go out drinking. And smoke. Intentionally bump into shit” #SocialExperimentSunday

lindsaygrocks 18 Sep

I was trying to rap it… You know, so it sounds more legit.

lindsaygrocks 20 Sep

Chatting with a robot right now. A robot that works for the cable company. The world is entirely evil.

lindsaygrocks 20 Sep

Jesus. There is a robot bot.

lindsaygrocks 20 Sep

I have assigned a voice in my head for this robot. It is a girl. A bitchy condescending girl robot.

lindsaygrocks 20 Sep

She just told me “It has been a pleasure to chat with you today” in her creepy robot voice and I’m like 99% certain she was insincere.

lindsaygrocks 20 Sep

The man on table 13 sounds exactly like Ross Perot.

lindsaygrocks 21 Sep

When thinking of the worst things that can happen, seeing a spider run across your pillow just before bed is proof there is no god.

lindsaygrocks 21 Sep

The house was perfectly silent until Tim Gunn got on the phone, then the dog went nutso. It’s like he WANTS to be euthanized.

lindsaygrocks 22 Sep

It is like every single sound I hear today makes me want to punch an infant. #morecoffee

lindsaygrocks 23 Sep

In the night, while we slept, someone stole all the tires. Ooh. People are the worst.

lindsaygrocks 23 Sep

Once again I’m reminded that a cat in the window isn’t a BB gun or a flamer thrower.

lindsaygrocks 23 Sep

The god damn police left the door open. And now there is a second mystery. Floyd? Come back?

lindsaygrocks 23 Sep

We discussed the direct correlation between her running out in the street and the wrinkles on my face. I think we came to an understanding.

lindsaygrocks 23 Sep

I fell down the steps. There are only two, and I fell down them.

lindsaygrocks 24 Sep

I got two ex boyfriends and a microphone…

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

I’m far too emotionally invested in this episode of #rivermonsters right now. I knew all those years I spent reading books were a waste.

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

Went to find a snack and discovered there are 3 jars of pickles, a stalk of celery, stale tortillas, 3 slices of pizza and 4 percocets.

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

The elderly gentleman at the checkout- who was discussing honey badger- just commented on my wine and gummy sharks. Like he’s never done it.

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

Brainstorming ideas for the new life I will be starting tomorrow after I get a new tooth.

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

I can’t believe Mazzy Star was the artist they thought belonged on that Gears of War 3 commercial. Seriously.

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

@of_the_rose came by with a bag full of like 30 apples and now I’m at @GeckosBar having a bloody mary for dinner. #why

lindsaygrocks 13 hours ago

Have seen 5 balloons this morning on the way to the dentist.

of_the_rose 12 hours ago

Some dude who looks a lot like Pee Wee Herman is putting his fingers in @lindsaygrocks‘ mouth right now.

lindsaygrocks 11 hours ago

Success! I accidentally swallowed a lot of blood so I feel like shit, but hey, I got a tooth!

lindsaygrocks 8 hours ago

The jerk dogs know I’m sick/injured yet one still just farted in my face. #thereisnomercy

lindsaygrocks 4 hours ago

I found that the pizza bites I was trying to eat were to large to eat without biting so I just sucked the filing out of them. #rockbottom

lindsaygrocks 2 hours ago

Recipe time: 12 min. Time it takes me to figure out my order of kitchen operations: 37 min.

%d bloggers like this: