Tag Archives: boat

A Steady Diet of H1N1

22 Mar

So I would love to tell the story about how I got the swine flu and laid on my back for six days with a fever over 100 degrees, puking my guts out and crying for mercy. I would like to discuss how I lost my voice and hearing and most of my vision and broke my computer and kept myself entertained entirely by the employment of wit and snark via social media accessed by cell phone. I’d love to carefully paraphrase for you the promises I made to God, should I survive. I wonder who’ll believe my story about the beautiful hallucination I experienced, wherein my bedroom became a boat on the sea, and everyone I ever loved, dead and alive, came to visit my bedside and tell me stories so I wouldn’t be frightened anymore. I would tell you about crawling across my kitchen floor because I was too dizzy from not eating and severe dehydration to stand up and walk to the bathroom to stick my face in a toilet- but that’d just be a total downer, huh?

Instead, I’ll just mention that after a week in bed I now have a lower, sexier, raspier voice and I am nine pounds skinnier- two outcomes of a near death experience (I exaggerate) that are not depressing at all. Like I love to say- we could all always be a little sexier.

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