Tag Archives: dogs

The Short Bus

8 Jan

He has no sense of his body or regard for personal safety. Honestly, I admire his fearlessness. He’s one ballsy son of a gun. No inhibitions. Throws himself into any and all situations as if he were made of jello and his bones were soft. Alas, they are not, and eventually he was bound to hurt himself.

Little Frank bumped his head. Got a giant goose egg. After about a week I took him to the vet, afraid he had a tumor or cancer or something. Nope. Hematoma. They drained it, sent him on his way.  As I sat nervous in the waiting room the vet came out giggling. She explained he cracked the bone at the back of his skull, explained he might do it again in the future. Told me about how during the examination he was so determined to get a belly rub he rolled off the examination table and smacked his head on the wall AGAIN. Donk. Explained that as they discussed treatment he twirled himself up in a leash, got stuck, and stood motionless in the corner until they came and untied him. She told me he was special, a rare gem, and that he had ‘special needs.’ Advised he wear a helmet.

You have not truly lived until you have seen a dog in a helmet. 




This is me in ABC

8 Dec

A – Age? I’m maturing. Like wine

B – Bed size? Whose bed?

C – Chore you hate? Trying to figure out what went on the night before. And where the hell my shoes are.

D – Dog’s name? I love Jess, Joey, and Heather’s dogs… and that is enough for me.

E – Essential start of your day item? Vibrator

F – Favorite color? Purple- like royalty. And red- like blood.

G – Gold or Silver? Gold- and no strings attached

H – Height?  I tower over New Mexico.

I – Instruments you play(ed)?  Stereo.

J – Job title?  Administrative Assistant. That means secretary.

K – Kids? No, thanks. I like my life and my vagina just the way they are.

L – Living arrangements?  In sin

M – Mom’s name? Your mama jokes are so 1994…

N – Nicknames? Lindsay G, L-Train, LG, hey pretty, you lush

O – Overnight hospital stay? I hope not, I didn’t think it was that serious!

P – Pet Peeve? People that talk about themselves in ABC format.

Q – Quote from a movie? ” The plaque for the alternates is down in the ladies room.”

R – Right or left handed? Right, but it really depends on what I am doing. I can use them both at once if I’m feeling particularly spunky.

S – How many siblings? Just one. The world is overwhelmed enough by me.

T – Time you wake up? I wake up around seven every day but whenever the drunk wears off is when I really start ticking.

U- Underwear?  Currently? Or in general?

V – Vegetable you dislike?  Judgey wudgey was a bear! Everything is beautiful in its own way. But no seriously- watermelons. They have no business being vegatables. Go back to your home on fruit-whore Island, watermelons!

W – Ways you run late?  Wait, what kind of ‘late’ are you referring to?

X – What was the question?  “I can’t hear you, I have a banana in my ear”

Y – Yummy food you make?  Jalapeno cornbread. Oh, and I make a mean bloody mary. That’s food, right?

Z – Zoo animals?  Smell horrible

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