Tag Archives: Jameson

I made it to yet another birthday!

8 Feb

We all had our doubts… Hehe!image


My Life, Abridged

27 Sep

I realized I hadn’t posted in a while. I also realized that I (as usual) have nothing to say. So here is a severely abridged account of my Twitter feed since my last post.  The highlights include a bird getting into the house and dying in the refrigerator, homemade food poisoning, sewage seeping from bathroom pipes, my cat getting lost, and of course, me having multiple dental issues. 

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

Birds love dying around me lately.

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

I wonder if it was a boy or girl bird that met its maker inside the fridge.

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

Dear Sunflower: ‘French’ is not a flavor.

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

I didn’t die in the shower today yet I still might succeed in killing myself #foodpoisoning

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

This is why I should not be allowed to cook.

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul


lindsaygrocks 19 Jul

This is how shitty I feel: I’m watching Twilight.

lindsaygrocks 19 Jul

@of_the_rose tried to kill us today. It was worse than that time I thought we fell in a hole, but we didn’t.

of_the_rose 19 Jul

A&E could do a 2-hour episode of Intervention for #BroUpCrew.

lindsaygrocks 20 Jul

“It’s not your species, its your horrible personality.” – Bronx, to the neighbor’s cat.

lindsaygrocks 20 Jul

#ABQ is so #GothamCity with this judge/prostitution scandal going on. I would love to be horrified but I’m too busy assembling a #BatSignal

lindsaygrocks 20 Jul

At @LaunchpadABQ to see @colourmusic. It’s fantastic.

lindsaygrocks 22 Jul

…guess who found the scissors… and now has a super sexy haircut?

lindsaygrocks 22 Jul

It’s just about ‘intervention-thirty’.

lindsaygrocks 26 Jul

There are so many feathers on the patio. It’s like someone killed a chicken. And I missed it.

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

Ready for yet another disappointing trip to the dentist. Go go gadget dentures.

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

Children’s toys always look so disgusting.

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

I hate the word ‘pulp’ when listening to a dentist tell me about my teeth.

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

Somedays, you just need to look at a dentist with tears in your eyes, scream “why?!” and then punch him in the nose.

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

Two words: Shark week

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

“…a reign of terror against fur seals”

lindsaygrocks 2 Aug

Putting on my big girl panties…

lindsaygrocks 3 Aug

It just goes to show… you never know what a smile and a cheeseburger might mean to someone.

lindsaygrocks 5 Aug

Nothing is more miserable than a horrible musician, a coffee shop, and a spare guitar

lindsaygrocks 7 Aug

So goes the summer of the dead tooth

lindsaygrocks 7 Aug

Things I need to prepare for tax free weekend at the mall: half a percocet and a gin martini.

lindsaygrocks 7 Aug

I’m fully aware that I am a grown woman who takes gummy vitamins.

lindsaygrocks 7 Aug

Am celebrating my first day off with champagne and new pillows.

lindsaygrocks 10 Aug

So remember when I had that dead tooth? I think I just killed a toe. Dead toe.

lindsaygrocks 12 Aug

This day has had it in for me ever since I got stood up and another toe abandoned ship.

lindsaygrocks 12 Aug

We walk into a bar. @of_the_rose is complimented on his shirt by the bartender, who as an afterthought, says to me ‘your dress is nice too.’

of_the_rose 12 Aug

@lindsaygrocks is mad at me because I just woke her up from a dream where she was about to get the recipe for Busch’s Baked Beans. #FF

lindsaygrocks 13 Aug

I’ll have the plate of cholesterol with a side of afternoon alone with the windows open.

lindsaygrocks 14 Aug

Proud to announce that my baby (the barrel of Maker’s Mark with my name on it) has moved into its warehouse. Thank you, Kentucky.

lindsaygrocks 16 Aug

Getting off working a double, sipping a delicious gin martini, and some wonderful anonymous person is sending over shots of Jameson.

lindsaygrocks 22 Aug

Things I can see from the window in my shower: 3 backyards, 16 trees, 11 houses, 9 fences, 6 cars…

lindsaygrocks 22 Aug

I freaking love the fact that there is a BakedBeansBot.

lindsaygrocks 23 Aug

When I got into the car, Miley Cyrus’ ‘Party in the USA’ was blaring. So now that is stuck in my head for the afternoon. God hates me.

lindsaygrocks 23 Aug

Today is totally an ‘ends in cheeseburger’ sort of day. Headed to Holy Cow.

lindsaygrocks 25 Aug

It’s one of those mornings when I accidentally took melatonin instead of aspirin. So, there’s that obstacle.

lindsaygrocks 25 Aug

She sits next to me and watches me work, but does she ever offer to help? No. I say she gets a job and starts buying me human food. Lazy cat.

lindsaygrocks 26 Aug

As the day progresses and I move to my second coffee shop, I’m reminded that I’m not really a people person.

lindsaygrocks 26 Aug

Today is as good a day as any to learn about beer.

lindsaygrocks 26 Aug

It’s almost magical when the broken printer returns to the world of the living.

lindsaygrocks 28 Aug

I hate that these mannequins have better abs than i do.

lindsaygrocks 28 Aug

After shopping for a new scent, @of_the_rose and I now smell like many different types of date rape.

lindsaygrocks 28 Aug

@supersloth exactly Burberry + Diesel + Tom Ford = eau de douchebag

lindsaygrocks 28 Aug

Bunch of whiteys here to see a middle class white hip hop star. Rock on, suburbia.

lindsaygrocks 31 Aug

So tired i got in the shower in my bra. Dumbass.

lindsaygrocks 31 Aug

The load sizes on my washing machine go small, large, extra large. Questionable.

lindsaygrocks 31 Aug

Even before that concussion I just gave myself on my rear view, it was unreasonable to expect me to park any closer than 2.5 ft to the curb.

lindsaygrocks 31 Aug

One of those nights when I am rearranging the furniture in an attempt to change my life. The result so far: I’m bruised and a little drunk.

lindsaygrocks 1 Sep

This is, quite possibly, the worst day of my life.

MarylandMudflap 1 Sep

You never see a cyborg throw a guy into a pinball machine anymore. Maybe you never did. Who knows? I’ve been drinking since eggs.

lindsaygrocks 1 Sep

If Facebook had an eye, I would have poked him in the eye by now

lindsaygrocks 3 Sep

I’ve had an ongoing poop joke with my best friend for about six years. That’s love.

lindsaygrocks 3 Sep

Just showed @of_the_rose a picture of me when I was fat and living in a yurt. I’m pretty sure we just broke up.

of_the_rose 3 Sep

Ever since @lindsaygrocks & I made our relationship official on Facebook she’s been trying to break up with me by telling me about her BMs.

lindsaygrocks 4 Sep

“You know what’s awesome? We didn’t get food poisoning.”

lindsaygrocks 5 Sep

He giggles, “have you seen your back today?” as if he’s never seen a double X sunburned on somebody.

lindsaygrocks 6 Sep

BUY THINGS FROM ME!!!! AHHHH (sales girl breaks down)

MoCannoli 6 Sep

On my lunch break I went to the zoo, punched a stoned koala in the face and stole his eucalyptus plant. Fuck this recession.

lindsaygrocks 6 Sep

And just like that… Fall happened.

lindsaygrocks 6 Sep

It’s like pulling god dam teeth. Trust me. I would know.

lindsaygrocks 6 Sep

Naturally, I am stuck in the rain.

lindsaygrocks 7 Sep

Sometimes I actually bore myself to tears.

lindsaygrocks 7 Sep

I need a map of Albuquerque. I’ve lived here nearly seven years and I still never know where the hell I am.

lindsaygrocks 8 Sep

That chick at the bar totally just deep-throated a spoonful of sugar. Her medicine goes down.

lindsaygrocks 9 Sep

“Does it always look like that? Or is it just a bad day?” -some guy, talking about my dog.

lindsaygrocks 8 Sep

Did you know if you purchase pickles in bulk they come in a bucket? A bucket.

lindsaygrocks 10 Sep


lindsaygrocks 10 Sep

I cannot eat my lunch yet. It’s still making noise.

lindsaygrocks 10 Sep

Seriously, at this age, who among us hasn’t ridden a mechanical bull?

lindsaygrocks 10 Sep

Just found a secret on-ramp to I-40 in Albuquerque. It was literally as exciting as finding a shortcut in Mario Kart. I’m totally beating Bowser.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep


lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

There is NOTHING like coming home to discover that an entire room is coated with a watery layer of shit.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

Standing in the rain as @of_the_rose scrubs shit off the floor.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

The bathroom is clearly haunted. A ghost lives in the toilet.

of_the_rose 11 Sep

On the list of worst things to ever happen, coming home to find my bathtub and bathroom floor covered with shit is, like, fucking awful.

of_the_rose 11 Sep

Seriously. It looked like my toilet and bathtub hiccuped or burped or something. #neverforget

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

I’m still attempting to control my gag reflex. You’d think I’d be better at this.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

I thought I had made a rule about me being the only thing allowed to poop on the floor.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

I had no words to tell my bartender. Just gag noises and laughtercrying.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

Clearly, my life is just one ongoing poop joke

lindsaygrocks 12 Sep

I definitely have an antique mini bar filled with comic books on my sun porch. I greet people with class.

lindsaygrocks 13 Sep

Wore a dress that was too short, got a parking ticket, fell asleep in the morning meeting, and made an awkward introduction at my luncheon.

lindsaygrocks 13 Sep

Oh, and locked myself out of my house.

lindsaygrocks 13 Sep

“Ugh I hate Coldplay” “Um, this is Radiohead” “Really? Then I hate Radiohead” “What?” “It must be an obscure song” “Karma Police?!”

lindsaygrocks 14 Sep

#BroUpCrew I think we need a support group Sunday Brunch. I’m running out of poop jokes. @ThomasDecaro @xysmas @fresh_flamingo @of_the_rose

lindsaygrocks 14 Sep

It’s a pickle and siracha sort of morning.

lindsaygrocks 14 Sep

My fucking neighbors and their fucking trash in the street. These people clearly were never loved.

lindsaygrocks 14 Sep


lindsaygrocks 15 Sep

5:30 am can suck it. 6 am just makes me wish I had paid attention at the public speaking classes in college.

lindsaygrocks 15 Sep

A room full of sales people is like, seriously similar to watching birds fight over bread.

lindsaygrocks 15 Sep

Yes, I swear that’s milkshake in my hair.

lindsaygrocks 16 Sep

#FF @NMCheeseburgers because there is a new review out, and it is a delicious read.

lindsaygrocks 16 Sep

Well that settles it. Looks like I’m going to start rocking a mohawk for the winter.

lindsaygrocks 18 Sep

“We should get fake pregnant bellies and go out drinking. And smoke. Intentionally bump into shit” #SocialExperimentSunday

lindsaygrocks 18 Sep

I was trying to rap it… You know, so it sounds more legit.

lindsaygrocks 20 Sep

Chatting with a robot right now. A robot that works for the cable company. The world is entirely evil.

lindsaygrocks 20 Sep

Jesus. There is a robot bot.

lindsaygrocks 20 Sep

I have assigned a voice in my head for this robot. It is a girl. A bitchy condescending girl robot.

lindsaygrocks 20 Sep

She just told me “It has been a pleasure to chat with you today” in her creepy robot voice and I’m like 99% certain she was insincere.

lindsaygrocks 20 Sep

The man on table 13 sounds exactly like Ross Perot.

lindsaygrocks 21 Sep

When thinking of the worst things that can happen, seeing a spider run across your pillow just before bed is proof there is no god.

lindsaygrocks 21 Sep

The house was perfectly silent until Tim Gunn got on the phone, then the dog went nutso. It’s like he WANTS to be euthanized.

lindsaygrocks 22 Sep

It is like every single sound I hear today makes me want to punch an infant. #morecoffee

lindsaygrocks 23 Sep

In the night, while we slept, someone stole all the tires. Ooh. People are the worst.

lindsaygrocks 23 Sep

Once again I’m reminded that a cat in the window isn’t a BB gun or a flamer thrower.

lindsaygrocks 23 Sep

The god damn police left the door open. And now there is a second mystery. Floyd? Come back?

lindsaygrocks 23 Sep

We discussed the direct correlation between her running out in the street and the wrinkles on my face. I think we came to an understanding.

lindsaygrocks 23 Sep

I fell down the steps. There are only two, and I fell down them.

lindsaygrocks 24 Sep

I got two ex boyfriends and a microphone…

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

I’m far too emotionally invested in this episode of #rivermonsters right now. I knew all those years I spent reading books were a waste.

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

Went to find a snack and discovered there are 3 jars of pickles, a stalk of celery, stale tortillas, 3 slices of pizza and 4 percocets.

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

The elderly gentleman at the checkout- who was discussing honey badger- just commented on my wine and gummy sharks. Like he’s never done it.

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

Brainstorming ideas for the new life I will be starting tomorrow after I get a new tooth.

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

I can’t believe Mazzy Star was the artist they thought belonged on that Gears of War 3 commercial. Seriously.

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

@of_the_rose came by with a bag full of like 30 apples and now I’m at @GeckosBar having a bloody mary for dinner. #why

lindsaygrocks 13 hours ago

Have seen 5 balloons this morning on the way to the dentist.

of_the_rose 12 hours ago

Some dude who looks a lot like Pee Wee Herman is putting his fingers in @lindsaygrocks‘ mouth right now.

lindsaygrocks 11 hours ago

Success! I accidentally swallowed a lot of blood so I feel like shit, but hey, I got a tooth!

lindsaygrocks 8 hours ago

The jerk dogs know I’m sick/injured yet one still just farted in my face. #thereisnomercy

lindsaygrocks 4 hours ago

I found that the pizza bites I was trying to eat were to large to eat without biting so I just sucked the filing out of them. #rockbottom

lindsaygrocks 2 hours ago

Recipe time: 12 min. Time it takes me to figure out my order of kitchen operations: 37 min.

No Method to the Madness

18 May

It has been recently brought to my attention that I act impulsively and irrationally whenever I decide to shake things up. Oh, and do I ever love to shake things up.

Last week my job ran out of funding for me and I am now cast out into the vast and aching abyss that is full-on unemployment.  With New Mexico cutting funding left and right for all sorts of positions- it came as no surprise.

On my second to last day of work the building flooded, so by now I am sure it has crumbled in my absence (I’m picturing the end of ‘The Fall of the House of Usher’) and perhaps in a week or two a small seedling will sprout up from the rubble.

On my last day of work everyone was ‘sick’ (dealing with floods seems a little above most pay-grades) and I had the department almost entirely to myself.  I was a receptionist- so my only job that day was to answer the phone that never rang and relay the message that nothing could be done about anything- so sorry and goodbye.  It felt pretty good to not give a crap anymore, but I also was sad to leave (only slightly) because I did truly like 2% of my coworkers.  Not enough to keep in touch or anything like that.

After a job interview and whole lot of coffee, I most definitely got bored enough to begin cutting my own hair.  This is not the first time this has happened, but I never seem to learn my lesson.  So I sat, with the blue-handled office Fiskars that I used to open boxes and cut graduation ribbons, and without rhyme or reason, and I cut my split ends.  Needless to say I now have a new, short haircut.

Immediately at 5pm, it being Friday the 13th and all, I headed down to a Friday the 13th themed block party and got a Dia de los Muertos skull with the Roman numerals XIII for his teeth tattooed onto my ankle.  Oops.  I haven’t reached the peak of possible regrets about that action, however, because I am lucky enough to have some awesomely impulsive friends who all got tattooed as well.  They all get tattooed pretty regularly, however, and I am a humongous wimp so it was a bit of a shock to my system.  It took me seven years to finish the last one- we’ll see how long after this one before I add onto it.

After a recovery cheeseburger and a couple of glasses of champagne, I was already late for the end-of-season kickball party (no worries, I’m playing next season) and I had to get there in time to work in some quality time before going to see Mogwai, who happened to be in town that evening.

Saturday was much like any other.  You know, the first-thing-in-the-morning calling every salon in town to see who can fit me in to fix my homemade haircut routine.  No big deal.  A couple of friends graduated from UNM so I attended their parties, then a funeral themed birthday dinner (I will do something similar for my 30th as well) and then hit up a local show.

It was when we all assembled for our Sunday brunch to make sure we survived the weekend that I was informed that I behave in an irrational manner.  No shit, Sherlock.  My hair is 7 inches shorter and I have a skull tattooed on my leg.  The greatest part is that I am not done yet.  I am thinking a dye job is in order as well as an all-new wardrobe.  I must greet this new phase of life with style, no?


16 Apr

I don’t know about anyone else, but to me babies are frightening.  They are fragile, they are germaphobes, they have far too many bodily fluids and they are always complaining.  Whenever I get into close proximity with an infant I immediately feel the need to wash my hands- or scrub, rather, like a doctor prepping for surgery- and I am certain the infant is probably thinking the same thing.  Neither of us is entirely certain where the other has been.

This weekend a friend and I made the journey across town to buy a gift at a Babies-R-Us.  Assuming it’d be easy enough, we hesitated only slightly at the entrance, waltzed in with deep breaths, and looked immediately for the gift registry.  Sadly, it is at this point that I started to crack.  After about five minutes of confusedly attempting to understand the registry printout- I simply launched myself into the nearest aisle in the hopes of finding some warm and fuzzy baby-object.  It is impossible to describe how difficult of a process this was for me.  My instincts say ‘run!’ at the sight of cribs and cradles.  I get goose bumps when I see car seats and high chairs.  I don’t feel like I have to tell you, then, how quickly this little adventure was turning into a terrifying nightmare.  I shudder to think what my (male) friend had running through his noggin at that point, after seeing all those breast pump displays and special baby-related inflatable inner tubes (what for?!).

We both started hyperventilating somewhere amidst the pink and blue bedding which led to a full-on and unified panic attack; we bolted.  Just as we got to the door, however, I remembered how much I love my knocked up friend. Come on, if you can’t make it through one measly baby store, what kind of grit do you actually possess?  So I harnessed my chi, turned around, and bought the first few things I could find right there on aisle 1.  Well, the first few things I could understand.

What on earth is a breast milk bag? –Nope, I do not care to know.

In the end, having started looking for a fuzzy pink blanket with a monkey on it, I ended up getting them a sterilizer, baby bottles, baby bottle cleaning things, and pacifiers.  Really Lindsay? Correct- I got them cold and sterile gifts from my sweet tart sized heart (like the Grinch’s it is three sizes too small).  To make up for it I threw in a stuffed giraffe.

Lessons that I learned from this?  One should consume three vodka sodas before entering a Babies-R-Us, not after.  Also, Xanax might compliment the visit as well.

While my friends’ child is going to be a wonderful little girl and they are going to be amazing parents, I suppose I am just not ready at this juncture in life to conceive of conceiving.  Bless the sweet baby Jesus for condoms and birth control.  The thought of children still makes me cringe and I actually avoid most public places where I might run into the tikes.

That being said, the next day when I attended the baby shower, I quickly realized that not only would my friends be good parents; they are going to be awesome parents.  Jealous!  There was great food, men and women (no all-ladies party sitting around drinking white Russians through baby bottles), and a host of fun conversation.  And while there were kids running around, the Jameson in my blood kept me from freaking out and might have contributed to the moment when I fell in love with a four-year-old named Kyle.  He had on a tie with skull and crossbones, for starters.  Then he made me a table out of Lincoln Logs.  It was color-coded.  Seriously, who could possibly resist that?  I’m still waiting for grown men to do the equivalent of building me a Lincoln Log table.  Alas, he found a new girlfriend when three-year-old Leslie drew him a heart.  That skank.  I can draw a better one.  But it was a good reason to call it a day and go home and pray for my period.

Congrats to J and M!  Y’all are going to have a lovely child.  I am so proud of your success and achievements in life.

A Walking Case of Broken Window

22 Feb

It was a birthday that would go down in ‘Lindsay history’.  Actually, most of my birthdays have been accompanied by some sort of doom and gloom.  I am not a fan at all of the idea of aging/sagging/wrinkling/etc.  February is my least favorite month because it includes my birthday (and Valentine’s Day- ew).  But this one might be the most memorable birthday to date, and that’s saying quite a bit ever since that birthday that my now ex-husband proposed to me.  If getting engaged isn’t one of the most shocking birthday gifts, I do not know what is.

I spent the one week of February before my birthday being disgustingly sick.  I was in a haze of cough drops, Benadryl, band aids, and Epsom salt baths.  I hate to miss a party however, especially if it is for me, so I willed myself out of my sick bed and greeted the day like Snow White opening her window and calling to all the birds and bunnies and fuzzy animals that make children smile.

Starting off excellently with champagne and French fries, it was shortly followed by more champagne, then  whiskey, and then more champagne and seafood.  I’m amazed I was still standing by 9pm.  But in the true nature of my chaotically organized (or, more accurately unorganized) brain I decided I could meet every single one of my friends for a celebratory glass of champagne.  I had a new date every two hours, essentially.  I demand to get what I want!  I was tired at the end, go figure, and so I decided to head to my local downtown bar, and announce to everyone that it was my special day, and that they should all follow me down to the strip club- a seemingly logical idea at the time.  Once I was sufficiently settled into the tittie-bar, I had my credit cards (all of them) stolen along with my driver’s license, bus pass, and library card.  I was in no mood to deal, and simply decided to worry with it on the following day.  In the immortal words of Scarlett O’Hara, “I’ll think about that tomorrow.”

Well, the following day when I woke up and strode outside to take my car to class, I discovered that during the night someone had run into my the car, on the back left side, and left it sitting in three pieces in the street. It was completely totaled even to my non-mechanics’ eye.  No note, no witnesses, no nothing.  Total crap!!

So that’s what I got for my birthday. Robbed and wrecked. It’s looking to be one of those years. I should’ve realized that on New Years Day when I woke up and the first thought of 2011 to run through my head was the song ‘Push It’ by Salt and Pepper.   Not to mention that ever since the accidents I have had “Caught Out There” by Kelis stuck in my mind.  It’s a wintry mix of terrible pop music playing in my noggin’.

But no, the night of robbing and wrecking would prove to be only the beginning of an epic crap-of-a-February.  The day following my dealings with police, insurance agents, and incompetent city bus drivers was a little bit shadowy and ominous from the start, and it was in no hurry to brighten up.  I got a call back from a company for which I had interviewed for a job, and of course they had found someone else.  Bummer.  So I decided to cheer myself up by whopping my ass into shape at the gym (alcohol is exceedingly more attractive when it is fizzy and sparkling, and less attractive when my body converts it into a donut), but as I was feeling a little tired and worn down, I only succeeded in giving myself an incredibly painful strained back injury.  I couldn’t decide if it was caused by stress, over exertion, or if it was simply the Lord’s way of telling me that I can only have so many 23rd birthdays before he would remind me of my real age.  I digress- first thing the next morning I went to the doctor, got muscle relaxers, and went home to enter into a tiny coma for the weekend- and in so doing hopefully shield myself from anymore frustration or stress for a day or two.

I succeeded for a moment in saving myself from the fiasco that is my life, but when I emerged from my tiny coma it was Valentine’s Day.  The premise of Valentine’s Day is to be as annoyingly in love- in public- as one can get away with without being arrested.  I find it revolting.  Not to mention I was still crabby about being in pain and having now to walk my crippled butt to dinner (which was nice).

So other than Valentine’s Day crapping up last week it was fairly uneventful.  You know, just the usual- spent all week getting stood up by my insurance agent, fell off a runway during a fashion show practice, hurt my back again, had a death in the family, missed a test, broke a shoe (the horror!), forgot to buy a plane ticket, my computer took a dive from which it cannot recover, and had the back tire on my scooter blow out while I was going 30mph without a helmet.  Karma had its way with me twice over that tire blow out ordeal because the person who ended up showing up to drag my scooter out of the street and take it to the shop was one of my least favorite exes.  Why don’t they all live in Texas?  My life would be much less complicated if they would.

So I’m surviving.  I took this last weekend to have another hibernation session (a friend of mine actually called because she was worried I was entering into a ‘Courtney Love’ phase.  I don’t think she was referring to the music on my iPod.)  I’m not exactly known for handling stress well.  Booze, shoes, and a lack of moderation seem to be my go-to coping mechanisms.

February can be so lovely in New Mexico.  It is the month that the days get longer, the sun starts shining, and the temperature goes from 6˚ to 64˚ (sometimes in one day).  This February has been decidedly dark in my eyes but I am confident that things are turning around.  I recently padded the walls in my bedroom and have taken to wearing a helmet and knee pads when I walk down the street.  (Oh yea, we all know I love to be the center of attention.)  I’m also on the market for a big cushy bubble in which I can live my life free of worry.  Well, I suppose I would worry about something piercing the bubble.  Or perhaps suffocation.  Skittish can’t accurately describe how I feel lately.  I mean, honestly there are 6 more days left before March, and I know just about what can happen in six days!  On the bright side, I successfully made it this far, it would be a bit silly if I couldn’t come through this February, too.  I just might greet March with a limp.

As I get older

5 Feb

Things I would like for my birthday:

–          Peace of mind

–          A job

–          Some focus

–          Comic books

–          An evening gown (preferably red satin- don’t ask, it is from a recent dream)

–          Someone to sing to me

–          Sparkly jewelry

–          Hugs

–          A vacation

–          A cheeseburger

–          Shoes

–          Champagne

–          Jameson

–          Music

–          Ecstasy (in pill or emotional form)

–          A trip to the strip club

–          Jerky

–          A safe ride home

This is me in ABC

8 Dec

A – Age? I’m maturing. Like wine

B – Bed size? Whose bed?

C – Chore you hate? Trying to figure out what went on the night before. And where the hell my shoes are.

D – Dog’s name? I love Jess, Joey, and Heather’s dogs… and that is enough for me.

E – Essential start of your day item? Vibrator

F – Favorite color? Purple- like royalty. And red- like blood.

G – Gold or Silver? Gold- and no strings attached

H – Height?  I tower over New Mexico.

I – Instruments you play(ed)?  Stereo.

J – Job title?  Administrative Assistant. That means secretary.

K – Kids? No, thanks. I like my life and my vagina just the way they are.

L – Living arrangements?  In sin

M – Mom’s name? Your mama jokes are so 1994…

N – Nicknames? Lindsay G, L-Train, LG, hey pretty, you lush

O – Overnight hospital stay? I hope not, I didn’t think it was that serious!

P – Pet Peeve? People that talk about themselves in ABC format.

Q – Quote from a movie? ” The plaque for the alternates is down in the ladies room.”

R – Right or left handed? Right, but it really depends on what I am doing. I can use them both at once if I’m feeling particularly spunky.

S – How many siblings? Just one. The world is overwhelmed enough by me.

T – Time you wake up? I wake up around seven every day but whenever the drunk wears off is when I really start ticking.

U- Underwear?  Currently? Or in general?

V – Vegetable you dislike?  Judgey wudgey was a bear! Everything is beautiful in its own way. But no seriously- watermelons. They have no business being vegatables. Go back to your home on fruit-whore Island, watermelons!

W – Ways you run late?  Wait, what kind of ‘late’ are you referring to?

X – What was the question?  “I can’t hear you, I have a banana in my ear”

Y – Yummy food you make?  Jalapeno cornbread. Oh, and I make a mean bloody mary. That’s food, right?

Z – Zoo animals?  Smell horrible

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