Tag Archives: kitchen appliances

Holy Cow, I love you!

30 Jul

I’ve got a pretty great job, if I do say so myself. I spend my days around one my favorite things in life- cheeseburgers. When you hate your job, or dread going to work each day, or bring stress home with you, the whole quality of life thing really degenerates fast, so it’s good to be in a place that makes you happy. And I am.

We recently celebrated the one-year anniversary of our little burger joint, and it really made me think about all the things that place means to so many different people. It’s more than just a paycheck – it’s a tiny family. We all care about the success our little burger joint. A successful first year for a small business is really quite a feat.

The servers all chipped in and had two bobble heads made in the likeness of our two owners. They were pretty funny, I must say. We also brought breakfast for everyone, and had a cake at around four. It was a nice day.

Over the last year, as we were learning and finding our stride, we have made a lot of friends and seen a lot of stuff. So here are a few of the highlights.

The old man who used to come to the old Bob’s Fish and Chips with his son in the seventies. Now his son is dead, and he sat tearing up on the patio while eating his burger because of all the happy memories it brought back.

That time we tried to serve breakfast- it was a total fiasco.

Right around the time we opened someone pooped on our back door.

When the feral cats of the neighborhood started hanging out at our dumpster- and reproducing like crazy. We still have about seven cats that we feed and water. We call them the Holy Kitties.

The brother and sister duo that stopped in during their road trip from California to Florida.

When Mark Ruffalo came in on opening night.

When we got the new air conditioner for the kitchen and it caused the computers to crash.

The kidnapping. Late one night we were cleaning the restaurant and a car sped down the street and haphazardly into the parking lot next door. The back door opened and a woman fell out. The driver then put her back in the car and sped away.

That time a bus pulled up and unloaded all of the residents of a local nursing home into the restaurant. (This now happens on the regular, but that first time was a doozy.)

That time a hooker and a pimp came in to get out of the cold, and when they were asked to leave the man started screaming about how the restaurant had rats and that he was “too fucking classy” to eat there.

When we bought the bad batch of pens and they started exploding everywhere and on everyone.

Our salad cook was waiting at the bus stop after a day in the hot kitchen in the middle of summer when a religious group, thinking she was homeless (she did look pretty rough), gave her a paper bag with “God Loves You” written on it and containing a mashed up PB&J, a bottle of water, and cookies.

The little kid who, as he was putting his burger into a to-go box, said “See ya later”- to the burger!

The little boy who told me ‘Happy Mother’s Day.”

The Finnish motorcycle gang who stopped in during their tour of old Route 66.

When one of our servers told a guest to “chill out and relax” when she was very clearly not into being chill or relaxed.

When the salad cook accidentally coated a server from head to toe in cucumber Greek yogurt dipping sauce. That was awesome.

When one of our bosses tricked a server into drinking a ranch milkshake by telling her it was a new menu item.

That time I got off working two doubles in a row and discovered that during my shift one of my coworkers had filled my purse with apples and sugar packets.

That time when they got to work to open and discovered that during the night someone had left a wedding dress drenched in human poop on the corner of the patio. That really happened, yes.

Someone once drove their car up the sidewalk and literally to our front door.

When it got really hot and we had two new air conditioner vents installed- and then the rainy season started and the vents leaked buckets of water into the dining room.

Our slew of fun and weird characters that make a second home out of the joint.

And all the ups and downs, highs and lows, that go into a year in an emerging small business.


Comfort Food

4 Jun

It seems no one, anywhere, ever makes a meal quite like you get at home- but when home is far away and you’re craving some soul food, replicating old family recipes sure is worth a try.

Now me, I’ve never been too good in the kitchen. Don’t get me wrong, I fully understand HOW cooking works and what dishes SHOULD consist of, but in actual execution I’m a wreck in the kitchen. Smoke alarms and fire extinguishers are two very necessary kitchen utensils in my home.

All that aside, I have been craving my Aunt Gloria’s cornflake chicken and some collard greens all day. Nothing will fix this- except, of course, a lively kitchen debacle and a few phone calls home. I rustled through some old recipes and found a collard greens recipe that my brother wrote for me step-by-step. I call it collard greens for dummies. He calls it “Ed’s Bombastic Greasy Spoon Collard Greens”

You’re welcome.

Ed’s Bombastic Greasy Spoon Collard Greens

1 bunch fresh collard greens cut into 1 inch ribbons

4 oz. fatback (salt pork) or six slices bacon, diced up

1/2 a white or yellow onion, diced

4 or 5 cloves of garlic, minced (he adds more because he loves garlic- and fears vampires)

4 or so diced tomatoes

Chicken broth, pinch of sugar, salt and pepper

– Fry up the fatback until all that yummy grease is in the pan  (not kidding, this is how it’s written) then add the onion and lower the heat. Cook until the onions are pale and soft, then add the garlic and stir around until it smells all sweet and yummy- !DO NOT BURN THE GARLIC! or your greens will be bitter and an offense to all southern cooking (he’s very dramatic, my brother).

– Now add the greens and stir them around with all the fatback, onions, and garlic. When they start to wilt, sizzle, and pop, add the tomatoes and chicken broth to cover the greens.

– Season with a little pinch of sugar and some salt and pepper.

– Cook uncovered about 45 minutes or until tender, adding broth if it gets too low. They should be wet, but not too soupy.

– Serve with cornbread and sweet tea (all of his recipes end with this).


…Oh yea, and the cornflake chicken? Yea, I’m just going to wing that one- brilliant, right?

Shit Gets Domestic

5 May

March 3: My friends come into my restaurant, and after eating quietly at the bar for a few moments, announce that they just got engaged. Literally, JUST. Right there at the bar. I steal away for a few minutes, find them some pink champagne, and a few giddy moments later start hatching my plan to throw an engagement party.

March 5: @lindsaygrocks So much planning to do! Ahhh! (the caffeine kicked in)

March 5: @lindsaygrocks It’s not so bad when flowers are involved

RT @xysmas@lindsaygrocks is planning my engagement party. I’m assuming we’ll all die at the end.

March 11: My dog got killed (and relationship went even further into the gutter) so I got a little distracted for a bit- like when I see really great shoes or I start Googling koala bears.

April 2: I have a panic attack in a Party City following a stressful trip to Costco.

April 5: I roll up my sleeves.

April 5: @lindsaygrocks Step 1: Open windows. Step 2: Disable smoke alarm. Step 3: Don’t burn the cupcakes.

@lindsaygrocks Definitely used too much batter.

@lindsaygrocks Putting together a ‘Lindsay gets domestic against every fiber of her being’ mix. Song ideas?

@lindsaygrocks I made giant cupcakes. oops. second try…

@lindsaygrocks Good call

RT @supersloth@lindsaygrocks ‘rocking the suburbs’ – ben folds

@lindsaygrocks It’s a shame about Ray (I named my cupcakes Ray- all of them)

@lindsaygrocksKitchen songs #NowPlaying Kitchen on #Spotify

April 6: The madness continued:

@lindsaygrocks Pickle juice in my eyes. Oh, the humanity!

@lindsaygrocks Hid the smoke alarm under the couch but it went off anyhow. But now I can’t reach it.

@lindsaygrocks Cocktail weenies. Classy.

@lindsaygrocks Ok listen, if you don’t want me to show up with a recipe involving pickle juice and cheese, don’t get married. Ever.

@lindsaygrocks They look very Halloween-y. They’re perfect.

@lindsaygrocks If I made Easter colored deviled eggs for an atheist couple’s party, would that make me Satan? I’m so confused.

@lindsaygrocks All the prep work is done. Now on to the important issues: Which dress shall I wear?

April 7: I take the night off, set up lace and flowers and food and cutesy stuff, take a million photos, gush with pride and the same time sadness (over the closing of one chapter in our lives) and overall have a good night.

April 8: I wake up sick with fever. Sinus infection. Allergy to the flowers. No kidding.

…And isn’t that just like my life? 😉

How’s about you and me…

14 Feb

Did I ever mention that I have pointy ears? Like, totally pointy. I think I am a descendent of elves or something (well, if that were a real option). It often catches people off guard. I like to make up stories to explain my ears’ serrated edges, and for the most part people believe them.

I’ve never been too good with names but I remember faces. Oh, wait. That’s entirely not true. I am good with neither.

Cheeseburgers are the best food in the entire world.

I come from Mississippi.

One time, I killed a Fer-de-Lance with a machete. That’s the best part of that story.

I’m naturally blonde. A great color blonde, actually. I dye my hair red in the winter, and I don’t know exactly why, but it makes me happy.

In another life I was a fish. Then a ferocious jungle cat ate that fish. I was ferocious jungle cat in another life, too. And probably a seaweed at some point, as well.

My favorite words are: porcupine, staccato, nail polish, creole, island (because it is just spelled so stupidly), fences, pineapple, cellar (I think of wine), stellar, gem, and blowfish. My least favorite words are: dry, rip, qi (it should NOT be allowed on Words with Friends), Cincinnati, yeast, lo-carb, and pit (lest we are talking about the Brad).

Also, I kind of want a pet dolphin- but only for like a day or so.

My favorite bits of machinery and mechanical wonder are photo booths, drawbridges, automatic staplers, those great margarita blenders, hair dryers, and the compass in the dashboard of the car.

I like books. I also like graphic novels. A lot.

When I was like, 15 maybe, I went to Scotland for the summer. That was fun.

It’d be neat to be a pirate, but I’m not really down with stealing from people. Unless I was looting like badass jewelry and genie lamps. And flying rugs. And I had a pet parrot. And an eye patch. And Johnny Depp.

I should’ve put ‘badass’ on my list of favorite words. It certainly is badass enough to belong there.

I collect pearls.

I also collect fossils. And rocks. And seashells. And bones. And teeth.

My cat’s name is Floyd- you can see her picture here. She’s the bee’s knees. My dog’s name is Kiki. She pees on things. I love Floyd more. They both know it.

Young Guns and Young Guns II are two of the best films to ever grace American cinema. Top Gun was a gem as well. But, if I were at a dinner party or asked by a customer (this happened the other night) to list my top five favorite movies, my reply would be something like, “Gone With the Wind, A River Runs Through It, Braveheart, Forrest Gump, The Dark Knight, Jurassic Park, The Lion King, and Gattaca” because I cannot count, and hate to admit that I went to a museum exhibit just to see Top Gun movie storyboards, jackets, and helmets.

I suffer bouts of insomnia. That’s usually when I write random lists such as these. More often than not I google funny pictures of koala bears.

All of my tattoos are down around my feet.

I have broken a LOT of bones. Many of them more than once. I’m fragile, and I know that- now.

I won a competition once to see who could get down a water-slide the fastest. I have a scar from that. When I tell people my scar is from Breckenridge, they usually assume it was a snow skiing accident. Nope.

So those are some fun facts about me, the love of my life (besides Floyd) this Valentine’s day. I guess it’s a good thing no one is taking me to dinner or some sappy thing, I make ridiculous conversation.

The Juice-Fast Part Two: Death to Juices

27 Jan

A lot of you have asked about how the juice-fast is going. I thought this little update was in order to inform you all of my current dietary habits, or- my current erratic dietary disasters. Here’s my annotated  and abridged Twitter feed regarding the juice disasters.

17 Jan @lindsaygrocks

Day one of juice-fast: encountered first problem. Couldn’t figure out juicer assembly. Went to Sadie’s for enchiladas.

17 Jan @lindsaygrocks

“I’m not going to do more exercise. I’m just going to start not eating.

18 Jan @lindsaygrocks

Floyd, don’t run. It’s not going to be bad. It’s just juice.

(My cat runs screaming from the room at the sight of the juicer.)

18 Jan @lindsaygrocks

It’s a good thing that the shake weight is on Groupon right now because if there was ever anything I needed to learn to exercise…

18 Jan @lindsaygrocks

What the…? Oh- it isn’t plugged in.

18 Jan @lindsaygrocks

Holy! It’s like the cabbage apocalypse.

18 Jan @lindsaygrocks

How? How? HOW? It’s a goddamn JUICER. Stupid smoke alarm.

18 Jan @lindsaygrocks

My first adventure. This smells like nasty/gag reflex/I want a cheeseburger. pic.twitter.com/MpsVk2rr

 View photo

18 Jan @lindsaygrocks


(Cabbage juice is exactly what it sounds like… disgusting.)

18 Jan @lindsaygrocks

I just drank 6 mandarin oranges in about a minute. I feel sick. Yea this diet and I are not going to get along.

18 Jan @lindsaygrocks

I’m starting a juice-fast. I give myself 6 hours. QT @thedandee:@lindsaygrocks Why would you DRINK oranges?

 In reply to thedandee

18 Jan @lindsaygrocks

Juice-fast is bullshit. So fucking hungry.

18 Jan @lindsaygrocks

I just ousted @of_the_rose as the mayor of BrickYard Pizza on@foursquare4sq.com/bhSTgz

 from Brickyard Pizza, Albuquerque

(About eight hours after starting my juice-only diet, I ate pizza.)

20 Jan @lindsaygrocks

You know how some people can bite into their fajitas? I’m jealous of those people.

23 Jan @lindsaygrocks

“That’s really fucked up, Lindsay.” -I tell @of_the_rose there is no caffeine or alcohol on revised-juice-fast-round-two.

(After I failed miserably at abstaining from eating solid, delicious, junk food, I decided to give it another go. Because juicing creates a lot of fruit-pulp, I decided I was allowed to use that pulp for baked goods. I could also eat eggs and yogurt and nuts and such, but not meat. I also had to take a multi-vitamin.)

23 Jan @lindsaygrocks

When I brought home the groceries, Floyd flipped for the carrots. Now she’s acting funny… like there was catnip on them.

23 Jan @lindsaygrocks

Things I Need to do Today: wp.me/p14YNF-5k via @lindsaygrocks

 View media

25 Jan @lindsaygrocks

Perhaps this kamikaze baking wasn’t such a great idea after all…

25 Jan @lindsaygrocks

Rest assured… I have absolutely NO idea what is going on… goddamn smoke alarm.

25 Jan @lindsaygrocks

All was silent and then a loud BANG was heard in the oven. I’m too scared to look.

25 Jan @lindsaygrocks

kitchens gone wild

25 Jan @lindsaygrocks

I found an elegant solution: disable smoke alarm.

25 Jan @lindsaygrocks

OMG OMG how did I make it this far into the day without noticing there is a strange man in my house?! Holy fuckballs!

25 Jan @lindsaygrocks

Ok so the stranger was pretty cute- so I gave him one of the purple muffins I had just lit afire in the oven. He’s like the royal taster.

(My muffins came out bright purple and weighed like 18 pounds each. They tasted like a mix between purple and healthy. Note to self: Next time, keep the different fruit and vegetable pulps SEPARATE from each other. Spinach, celery, orange, carrot, strawberry, blueberry, pear, and cucumber aren’t exactly buddies on the tongue.)

25 Jan @lindsaygrocks

uh oh. Now I can’t figure out how to put the smoke alarm back together.

23h @lindsaygrocks

Coffee + tomatoes… I’ll be right back…

So in the end, I did fail hardcore at the whole juice-fast thing. Hell, I even failed at refraining from meat for a week, but it wasn’t all for naught. For the last few weeks I have succeeded in eating a little healthier, taking vitamins, and reducing my caffeine intake. I don’t know that I will ever eat a bell pepper cupcake again, but I have developed a wider range of eating habits, incorporating more fruits and vegetables. So perhaps all the cheeseburgers and pizza are not necessarily the devil.

I did lose weight, and I’m sure it will come back, but it was extremely rewarding to see my bathroom scale smiling instead of buckling under my weight.

Now if you’ll excuse me, all I have consumed today was a cup of coffee and a pack of multi-vitamins. Feeling a little sick. Going to chow on some yogurt, granola, and fresh fruit (With candied walnuts and drizzled in honey. I never learn.)

My Life, Abridged

27 Sep

I realized I hadn’t posted in a while. I also realized that I (as usual) have nothing to say. So here is a severely abridged account of my Twitter feed since my last post.  The highlights include a bird getting into the house and dying in the refrigerator, homemade food poisoning, sewage seeping from bathroom pipes, my cat getting lost, and of course, me having multiple dental issues. 

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

Birds love dying around me lately.

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

I wonder if it was a boy or girl bird that met its maker inside the fridge.

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

Dear Sunflower: ‘French’ is not a flavor.

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

I didn’t die in the shower today yet I still might succeed in killing myself #foodpoisoning

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

This is why I should not be allowed to cook.

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul


lindsaygrocks 19 Jul

This is how shitty I feel: I’m watching Twilight.

lindsaygrocks 19 Jul

@of_the_rose tried to kill us today. It was worse than that time I thought we fell in a hole, but we didn’t.

of_the_rose 19 Jul

A&E could do a 2-hour episode of Intervention for #BroUpCrew.

lindsaygrocks 20 Jul

“It’s not your species, its your horrible personality.” – Bronx, to the neighbor’s cat.

lindsaygrocks 20 Jul

#ABQ is so #GothamCity with this judge/prostitution scandal going on. I would love to be horrified but I’m too busy assembling a #BatSignal

lindsaygrocks 20 Jul

At @LaunchpadABQ to see @colourmusic. It’s fantastic.

lindsaygrocks 22 Jul

…guess who found the scissors… and now has a super sexy haircut?

lindsaygrocks 22 Jul

It’s just about ‘intervention-thirty’.

lindsaygrocks 26 Jul

There are so many feathers on the patio. It’s like someone killed a chicken. And I missed it.

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

Ready for yet another disappointing trip to the dentist. Go go gadget dentures.

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

Children’s toys always look so disgusting.

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

I hate the word ‘pulp’ when listening to a dentist tell me about my teeth.

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

Somedays, you just need to look at a dentist with tears in your eyes, scream “why?!” and then punch him in the nose.

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

Two words: Shark week

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

“…a reign of terror against fur seals”

lindsaygrocks 2 Aug

Putting on my big girl panties…

lindsaygrocks 3 Aug

It just goes to show… you never know what a smile and a cheeseburger might mean to someone.

lindsaygrocks 5 Aug

Nothing is more miserable than a horrible musician, a coffee shop, and a spare guitar

lindsaygrocks 7 Aug

So goes the summer of the dead tooth

lindsaygrocks 7 Aug

Things I need to prepare for tax free weekend at the mall: half a percocet and a gin martini.

lindsaygrocks 7 Aug

I’m fully aware that I am a grown woman who takes gummy vitamins.

lindsaygrocks 7 Aug

Am celebrating my first day off with champagne and new pillows.

lindsaygrocks 10 Aug

So remember when I had that dead tooth? I think I just killed a toe. Dead toe.

lindsaygrocks 12 Aug

This day has had it in for me ever since I got stood up and another toe abandoned ship.

lindsaygrocks 12 Aug

We walk into a bar. @of_the_rose is complimented on his shirt by the bartender, who as an afterthought, says to me ‘your dress is nice too.’

of_the_rose 12 Aug

@lindsaygrocks is mad at me because I just woke her up from a dream where she was about to get the recipe for Busch’s Baked Beans. #FF

lindsaygrocks 13 Aug

I’ll have the plate of cholesterol with a side of afternoon alone with the windows open.

lindsaygrocks 14 Aug

Proud to announce that my baby (the barrel of Maker’s Mark with my name on it) has moved into its warehouse. Thank you, Kentucky.

lindsaygrocks 16 Aug

Getting off working a double, sipping a delicious gin martini, and some wonderful anonymous person is sending over shots of Jameson.

lindsaygrocks 22 Aug

Things I can see from the window in my shower: 3 backyards, 16 trees, 11 houses, 9 fences, 6 cars…

lindsaygrocks 22 Aug

I freaking love the fact that there is a BakedBeansBot.

lindsaygrocks 23 Aug

When I got into the car, Miley Cyrus’ ‘Party in the USA’ was blaring. So now that is stuck in my head for the afternoon. God hates me.

lindsaygrocks 23 Aug

Today is totally an ‘ends in cheeseburger’ sort of day. Headed to Holy Cow.

lindsaygrocks 25 Aug

It’s one of those mornings when I accidentally took melatonin instead of aspirin. So, there’s that obstacle.

lindsaygrocks 25 Aug

She sits next to me and watches me work, but does she ever offer to help? No. I say she gets a job and starts buying me human food. Lazy cat.

lindsaygrocks 26 Aug

As the day progresses and I move to my second coffee shop, I’m reminded that I’m not really a people person.

lindsaygrocks 26 Aug

Today is as good a day as any to learn about beer.

lindsaygrocks 26 Aug

It’s almost magical when the broken printer returns to the world of the living.

lindsaygrocks 28 Aug

I hate that these mannequins have better abs than i do.

lindsaygrocks 28 Aug

After shopping for a new scent, @of_the_rose and I now smell like many different types of date rape.

lindsaygrocks 28 Aug

@supersloth exactly Burberry + Diesel + Tom Ford = eau de douchebag

lindsaygrocks 28 Aug

Bunch of whiteys here to see a middle class white hip hop star. Rock on, suburbia.

lindsaygrocks 31 Aug

So tired i got in the shower in my bra. Dumbass.

lindsaygrocks 31 Aug

The load sizes on my washing machine go small, large, extra large. Questionable.

lindsaygrocks 31 Aug

Even before that concussion I just gave myself on my rear view, it was unreasonable to expect me to park any closer than 2.5 ft to the curb.

lindsaygrocks 31 Aug

One of those nights when I am rearranging the furniture in an attempt to change my life. The result so far: I’m bruised and a little drunk.

lindsaygrocks 1 Sep

This is, quite possibly, the worst day of my life.

MarylandMudflap 1 Sep

You never see a cyborg throw a guy into a pinball machine anymore. Maybe you never did. Who knows? I’ve been drinking since eggs.

lindsaygrocks 1 Sep

If Facebook had an eye, I would have poked him in the eye by now

lindsaygrocks 3 Sep

I’ve had an ongoing poop joke with my best friend for about six years. That’s love.

lindsaygrocks 3 Sep

Just showed @of_the_rose a picture of me when I was fat and living in a yurt. I’m pretty sure we just broke up.

of_the_rose 3 Sep

Ever since @lindsaygrocks & I made our relationship official on Facebook she’s been trying to break up with me by telling me about her BMs.

lindsaygrocks 4 Sep

“You know what’s awesome? We didn’t get food poisoning.”

lindsaygrocks 5 Sep

He giggles, “have you seen your back today?” as if he’s never seen a double X sunburned on somebody.

lindsaygrocks 6 Sep

BUY THINGS FROM ME!!!! AHHHH (sales girl breaks down)

MoCannoli 6 Sep

On my lunch break I went to the zoo, punched a stoned koala in the face and stole his eucalyptus plant. Fuck this recession.

lindsaygrocks 6 Sep

And just like that… Fall happened.

lindsaygrocks 6 Sep

It’s like pulling god dam teeth. Trust me. I would know.

lindsaygrocks 6 Sep

Naturally, I am stuck in the rain.

lindsaygrocks 7 Sep

Sometimes I actually bore myself to tears.

lindsaygrocks 7 Sep

I need a map of Albuquerque. I’ve lived here nearly seven years and I still never know where the hell I am.

lindsaygrocks 8 Sep

That chick at the bar totally just deep-throated a spoonful of sugar. Her medicine goes down.

lindsaygrocks 9 Sep

“Does it always look like that? Or is it just a bad day?” -some guy, talking about my dog.

lindsaygrocks 8 Sep

Did you know if you purchase pickles in bulk they come in a bucket? A bucket.

lindsaygrocks 10 Sep


lindsaygrocks 10 Sep

I cannot eat my lunch yet. It’s still making noise.

lindsaygrocks 10 Sep

Seriously, at this age, who among us hasn’t ridden a mechanical bull?

lindsaygrocks 10 Sep

Just found a secret on-ramp to I-40 in Albuquerque. It was literally as exciting as finding a shortcut in Mario Kart. I’m totally beating Bowser.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep


lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

There is NOTHING like coming home to discover that an entire room is coated with a watery layer of shit.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

Standing in the rain as @of_the_rose scrubs shit off the floor.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

The bathroom is clearly haunted. A ghost lives in the toilet.

of_the_rose 11 Sep

On the list of worst things to ever happen, coming home to find my bathtub and bathroom floor covered with shit is, like, fucking awful.

of_the_rose 11 Sep

Seriously. It looked like my toilet and bathtub hiccuped or burped or something. #neverforget

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

I’m still attempting to control my gag reflex. You’d think I’d be better at this.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

I thought I had made a rule about me being the only thing allowed to poop on the floor.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

I had no words to tell my bartender. Just gag noises and laughtercrying.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

Clearly, my life is just one ongoing poop joke

lindsaygrocks 12 Sep

I definitely have an antique mini bar filled with comic books on my sun porch. I greet people with class.

lindsaygrocks 13 Sep

Wore a dress that was too short, got a parking ticket, fell asleep in the morning meeting, and made an awkward introduction at my luncheon.

lindsaygrocks 13 Sep

Oh, and locked myself out of my house.

lindsaygrocks 13 Sep

“Ugh I hate Coldplay” “Um, this is Radiohead” “Really? Then I hate Radiohead” “What?” “It must be an obscure song” “Karma Police?!”

lindsaygrocks 14 Sep

#BroUpCrew I think we need a support group Sunday Brunch. I’m running out of poop jokes. @ThomasDecaro @xysmas @fresh_flamingo @of_the_rose

lindsaygrocks 14 Sep

It’s a pickle and siracha sort of morning.

lindsaygrocks 14 Sep

My fucking neighbors and their fucking trash in the street. These people clearly were never loved.

lindsaygrocks 14 Sep


lindsaygrocks 15 Sep

5:30 am can suck it. 6 am just makes me wish I had paid attention at the public speaking classes in college.

lindsaygrocks 15 Sep

A room full of sales people is like, seriously similar to watching birds fight over bread.

lindsaygrocks 15 Sep

Yes, I swear that’s milkshake in my hair.

lindsaygrocks 16 Sep

#FF @NMCheeseburgers because there is a new review out, and it is a delicious read.

lindsaygrocks 16 Sep

Well that settles it. Looks like I’m going to start rocking a mohawk for the winter.

lindsaygrocks 18 Sep

“We should get fake pregnant bellies and go out drinking. And smoke. Intentionally bump into shit” #SocialExperimentSunday

lindsaygrocks 18 Sep

I was trying to rap it… You know, so it sounds more legit.

lindsaygrocks 20 Sep

Chatting with a robot right now. A robot that works for the cable company. The world is entirely evil.

lindsaygrocks 20 Sep

Jesus. There is a robot bot.

lindsaygrocks 20 Sep

I have assigned a voice in my head for this robot. It is a girl. A bitchy condescending girl robot.

lindsaygrocks 20 Sep

She just told me “It has been a pleasure to chat with you today” in her creepy robot voice and I’m like 99% certain she was insincere.

lindsaygrocks 20 Sep

The man on table 13 sounds exactly like Ross Perot.

lindsaygrocks 21 Sep

When thinking of the worst things that can happen, seeing a spider run across your pillow just before bed is proof there is no god.

lindsaygrocks 21 Sep

The house was perfectly silent until Tim Gunn got on the phone, then the dog went nutso. It’s like he WANTS to be euthanized.

lindsaygrocks 22 Sep

It is like every single sound I hear today makes me want to punch an infant. #morecoffee

lindsaygrocks 23 Sep

In the night, while we slept, someone stole all the tires. Ooh. People are the worst.

lindsaygrocks 23 Sep

Once again I’m reminded that a cat in the window isn’t a BB gun or a flamer thrower.

lindsaygrocks 23 Sep

The god damn police left the door open. And now there is a second mystery. Floyd? Come back?

lindsaygrocks 23 Sep

We discussed the direct correlation between her running out in the street and the wrinkles on my face. I think we came to an understanding.

lindsaygrocks 23 Sep

I fell down the steps. There are only two, and I fell down them.

lindsaygrocks 24 Sep

I got two ex boyfriends and a microphone…

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

I’m far too emotionally invested in this episode of #rivermonsters right now. I knew all those years I spent reading books were a waste.

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

Went to find a snack and discovered there are 3 jars of pickles, a stalk of celery, stale tortillas, 3 slices of pizza and 4 percocets.

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

The elderly gentleman at the checkout- who was discussing honey badger- just commented on my wine and gummy sharks. Like he’s never done it.

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

Brainstorming ideas for the new life I will be starting tomorrow after I get a new tooth.

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

I can’t believe Mazzy Star was the artist they thought belonged on that Gears of War 3 commercial. Seriously.

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

@of_the_rose came by with a bag full of like 30 apples and now I’m at @GeckosBar having a bloody mary for dinner. #why

lindsaygrocks 13 hours ago

Have seen 5 balloons this morning on the way to the dentist.

of_the_rose 12 hours ago

Some dude who looks a lot like Pee Wee Herman is putting his fingers in @lindsaygrocks‘ mouth right now.

lindsaygrocks 11 hours ago

Success! I accidentally swallowed a lot of blood so I feel like shit, but hey, I got a tooth!

lindsaygrocks 8 hours ago

The jerk dogs know I’m sick/injured yet one still just farted in my face. #thereisnomercy

lindsaygrocks 4 hours ago

I found that the pizza bites I was trying to eat were to large to eat without biting so I just sucked the filing out of them. #rockbottom

lindsaygrocks 2 hours ago

Recipe time: 12 min. Time it takes me to figure out my order of kitchen operations: 37 min.


23 Jan

I forget sometimes how crappy and worthless I am on Saturday mornings.  Boo.  I woke up to Wilson Phillips “Hold On” playing in my head.  No kidding.  Then I immediately looked around for a weapon or perhaps a bottle of painkillers that I could swallow to make it go away.  I’m settling for listening to Cinderella really loudly to blast it out of my skull. Oh, the agony of Lindsay.

So today I am trying to cram everything I own into two rooms.  It has caused me to look at the objects in my life as puzzle pieces that I must make fit.  It is unnerving, to say the least.  Like when you spill open a suitcase after a trip and get a glimpse at who you really are, I am having an enlightening experience.  In this case though, I am looking at who everyone else wanted me to be.  I think everything I own (besides my incredibly large wardrobe) was a gift.  Who needs two sets of dishes and four silver salad server things?  I’m angry at the attempts to domesticate me.  I’m going to take out my rebellion on this toaster and juicer.  Death to the dusty kitchen appliance!  Tarnish and scratch to tephlon! Long live the paper plate!

A well equipped woman should have 300+ pairs of shoes with nowhere to wear them.  I’m good on that end.  Plus I need the kitchen cabinet space for clothes. I keep my make up in the linen closet, next to my arbitrary sports equipment.

“It is all about priorities, apparently.” Said some jackass at my graduation party- in the context of why it took me so long to go to school.

I say screw it.  It is unfair to expect people to change, and I will always be a little girl playing dress up with Barbie.  Except now I am the Barbie.  And I no longer have to go to bed by 9pm.  Life is far from hard- even when it is hard.  Now I’m going to put on red patent leather stilettos and alphabetize my poetry.

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