Tag Archives: loneliness

Alone Down There

11 Jun

Can one lose love? Like, truly lose it. I know not everyone is capable of love in the first place. That was an unfortunate realization, when it came. But the ability to share it, create it, express it, spread it… can one lose that?

Have I lost it? Am I so salty now that cynicism and pragmatism are all that is left?

That seems so stark.

But realistic.

I loved too severely and enduringly and now I’ve exhausted my cache, maybe. I’ve just run out?

I think I caught a disease, y’all, the one where you get incapable of hope. I may have to resign my optimism because yes, everyone I know will one day die, we will all hurt and our hearts will break and our bodies tear up and give out and the sparkles fade from our smiles. It is all downhill. And then your dreams begin to fade and shift and there is no and sweeping solution. There is none at all.

One more time around might do it. 

Perhaps it would be better without the expectation of love? Because life without it isn’t necessarily awful. I can love Mr. Frank and fireflies and open water. And anything else is a bonus. Maybe love can be lost, and I don’t know if I’ll find it again. Life can feel loveless in a raw way, and perhaps I’ll just settle with that fact. I’m tired, after all.

But c’est la vie. I told you me alone with my thoughts is frightening.

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Wednesday

8 Jun

So I woke up today. Great.
I spent the last evening with some guests staying in a cottage. It’s an older woman and her elderly mother. Her mother makes the most beautiful paintings and she can’t hear and barely sees, it is incredible. And the other one, Nancy, she’s awesome and swears up a storm. I found two random soul mates. Was lovely. I was scared and nervous but I’m glad I came to the island. I was probably meant to be here. They both thought so, too. A truly simple and nice evening.
Then morning comes, and I want to talk about it. And Jim is gone. And Mr. Frank is in Mississippi. What world do I live in? I’ve gone wild and haven’t anyone to document and laugh and fumble with. Now life is weird.
I miss Jim. He was a good one.

Heartbreak

15 Jul

I should write about heartache. And loneliness. Aching and sadness. Isolation. Depression. A deep unending sadness. Not knowing where it comes from or how far it goes and not knowing if it will ever end. That choking feeling in the throat and the tightness in the chest. That’s what I know. That’s what I should write.

That feeling of lonesome homesickness. When you just want to go home. But you don’t know where home is. Just lonesome and homesick.

About looking at trees and beginning to weep and watching the fog roll in over a body of water and being so overcome by the beauty and the sadness of it that the heart swells. 

I was thinking about it lately. I don’t really know why. I guess maybe the desert is wearing on me after all. 

Valentine’s Day

14 Feb

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Last year on Valentine’s Day I posted a list of random facts about me and my feelings. This year, being no less disappointing than the last, I think I should possibly be able to come up with something slightly more interesting.

But then I remember: Oh yea, Lindsay, you aren’t writing lately.

Fuck.

Well… I am at a loss. I have been at a loss for words for a while now, so I apologize.

Ummm…

A list of things I would like this Valentine’s Day:

–       Flowers. At least one flower.

–       Hugs and kisses.

–       Some words (I’m tired of writer’s block)

–       Extra sleep and rest (with kitty cuddles)

–       Chocolate (thanks Pops!)

–       Kitty face hugs from Floyd.

–       A Firefly marathon.

–       An adventure.

–       Someone to make me dinner.

But. alas, I am what I have this Valentine’s, so I will have to make due with myself.  Won’t be the first time. Now for the important decisions: do I buy myself more chocolate or do I give myself some jewelry?

Good call, Lins… both!

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