Tag Archives: shoes

A few simple rules to life

9 Dec

Travel light
Pick the right shoes
Tip well
Take it as it comes
Don’t sleep with your bartender

This Must Be The Place

5 Jul

In keeping with this year’s theme, “And now for something completely different,” I packed up all my belongings and moved out of my lovely, old, Victorian neighborhood and into an apartment with the boyfriend. Now I live in Midtown next to a grocery store, pet store, hardware store, Dollar General, a jazzercise studio, Taco Bell and Subway. Yikes.

I’m handling it surprisingly well, if I do say so myself.

Well, barring that massive meltdown I had over the last week.

The moving day was set for Monday- my day off and usually our ‘date day.’ When Sunday night rolled around my brain came to a complete stop. COMPLETE. I couldn’t think of basic phrases or sentences.  Needless to say, I had a stupid horrible night at work. When it was all over, two of my best friends called to tell me good luck, and to check in to make sure I was ok. They know me just far too well. After some crying, screaming- and I think I threw something at some point- I finally got to sleep.

Enter Monday- the moving day. I was running behind in getting my stuff packed into my buddy’s van, and I needed help. The boyfriend was off cleaning his apartment. If I had known just how dirty that apartment was, I would’ve begged him to keep cleaning but instead I asked him to come by. As I got all my memories stuffed into the van, I was overwhelmed again by those same waves of sadness that come every time I move. I have a LOT of history, and a lot of evidence.

When we entered the apartment with the first vanload of stuff, I immediately walked outside and started crying. It was FILTHY- just filthy. After a bit of a screaming match, I rolled up my sleeves, swallowed my anger, and started cleaning. I took the next three days off of work to simply clean the place, unpack, organize my shoes and comic books, and try to hide my crazy from the rest of the world (if only for a minute.)

It’s crazy how well two people can compromise when one of them is in a completely psychotic and irrational state. It’s also crazy how far a little jewelry, flowers, and Rod Stewart Radio on Pandora can go to calm down an angry woman.

This week comes the fun part. Painting, new furniture, new linens, new stuff. Shopping is usually a good way to soothe me.

I have some great friends, and it was definitely a group effort to keep me together throughout the whole thing. On Wednesday one of my buddies discovered me sitting beneath the bridge to my old house in a pool of my own tears. He helped me crawl though a window, as I had locked my keys inside the house. On Thursday another buddy had to come get the van out of an impossible parking space I had it in. On Friday I nearly killed myself with a garage door- but that’s another story entirely.

Lessons I learned: next time I move I’m paying someone to do it for me.

 

My Life, Abridged

27 Sep

I realized I hadn’t posted in a while. I also realized that I (as usual) have nothing to say. So here is a severely abridged account of my Twitter feed since my last post.  The highlights include a bird getting into the house and dying in the refrigerator, homemade food poisoning, sewage seeping from bathroom pipes, my cat getting lost, and of course, me having multiple dental issues. 

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

Birds love dying around me lately.

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

I wonder if it was a boy or girl bird that met its maker inside the fridge.

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

Dear Sunflower: ‘French’ is not a flavor.

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

I didn’t die in the shower today yet I still might succeed in killing myself #foodpoisoning

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

This is why I should not be allowed to cook.

lindsaygrocks 18 Jul

O U C H

lindsaygrocks 19 Jul

This is how shitty I feel: I’m watching Twilight.

lindsaygrocks 19 Jul

@of_the_rose tried to kill us today. It was worse than that time I thought we fell in a hole, but we didn’t.

of_the_rose 19 Jul

A&E could do a 2-hour episode of Intervention for #BroUpCrew.

lindsaygrocks 20 Jul

“It’s not your species, its your horrible personality.” – Bronx, to the neighbor’s cat.

lindsaygrocks 20 Jul

#ABQ is so #GothamCity with this judge/prostitution scandal going on. I would love to be horrified but I’m too busy assembling a #BatSignal

lindsaygrocks 20 Jul

At @LaunchpadABQ to see @colourmusic. It’s fantastic.

lindsaygrocks 22 Jul

…guess who found the scissors… and now has a super sexy haircut?

lindsaygrocks 22 Jul

It’s just about ‘intervention-thirty’.

lindsaygrocks 26 Jul

There are so many feathers on the patio. It’s like someone killed a chicken. And I missed it.

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

Ready for yet another disappointing trip to the dentist. Go go gadget dentures.

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

Children’s toys always look so disgusting.

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

I hate the word ‘pulp’ when listening to a dentist tell me about my teeth.

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

Somedays, you just need to look at a dentist with tears in your eyes, scream “why?!” and then punch him in the nose.

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

Two words: Shark week

lindsaygrocks 1 Aug

“…a reign of terror against fur seals”

lindsaygrocks 2 Aug

Putting on my big girl panties…

lindsaygrocks 3 Aug

It just goes to show… you never know what a smile and a cheeseburger might mean to someone.

lindsaygrocks 5 Aug

Nothing is more miserable than a horrible musician, a coffee shop, and a spare guitar

lindsaygrocks 7 Aug

So goes the summer of the dead tooth

lindsaygrocks 7 Aug

Things I need to prepare for tax free weekend at the mall: half a percocet and a gin martini.

lindsaygrocks 7 Aug

I’m fully aware that I am a grown woman who takes gummy vitamins.

lindsaygrocks 7 Aug

Am celebrating my first day off with champagne and new pillows.

lindsaygrocks 10 Aug

So remember when I had that dead tooth? I think I just killed a toe. Dead toe.

lindsaygrocks 12 Aug

This day has had it in for me ever since I got stood up and another toe abandoned ship.

lindsaygrocks 12 Aug

We walk into a bar. @of_the_rose is complimented on his shirt by the bartender, who as an afterthought, says to me ‘your dress is nice too.’

of_the_rose 12 Aug

@lindsaygrocks is mad at me because I just woke her up from a dream where she was about to get the recipe for Busch’s Baked Beans. #FF

lindsaygrocks 13 Aug

I’ll have the plate of cholesterol with a side of afternoon alone with the windows open.

lindsaygrocks 14 Aug

Proud to announce that my baby (the barrel of Maker’s Mark with my name on it) has moved into its warehouse. Thank you, Kentucky.

lindsaygrocks 16 Aug

Getting off working a double, sipping a delicious gin martini, and some wonderful anonymous person is sending over shots of Jameson.

lindsaygrocks 22 Aug

Things I can see from the window in my shower: 3 backyards, 16 trees, 11 houses, 9 fences, 6 cars…

lindsaygrocks 22 Aug

I freaking love the fact that there is a BakedBeansBot.

lindsaygrocks 23 Aug

When I got into the car, Miley Cyrus’ ‘Party in the USA’ was blaring. So now that is stuck in my head for the afternoon. God hates me.

lindsaygrocks 23 Aug

Today is totally an ‘ends in cheeseburger’ sort of day. Headed to Holy Cow.

lindsaygrocks 25 Aug

It’s one of those mornings when I accidentally took melatonin instead of aspirin. So, there’s that obstacle.

lindsaygrocks 25 Aug

She sits next to me and watches me work, but does she ever offer to help? No. I say she gets a job and starts buying me human food. Lazy cat.

lindsaygrocks 26 Aug

As the day progresses and I move to my second coffee shop, I’m reminded that I’m not really a people person.

lindsaygrocks 26 Aug

Today is as good a day as any to learn about beer.

lindsaygrocks 26 Aug

It’s almost magical when the broken printer returns to the world of the living.

lindsaygrocks 28 Aug

I hate that these mannequins have better abs than i do.

lindsaygrocks 28 Aug

After shopping for a new scent, @of_the_rose and I now smell like many different types of date rape.

lindsaygrocks 28 Aug

@supersloth exactly Burberry + Diesel + Tom Ford = eau de douchebag

lindsaygrocks 28 Aug

Bunch of whiteys here to see a middle class white hip hop star. Rock on, suburbia.

lindsaygrocks 31 Aug

So tired i got in the shower in my bra. Dumbass.

lindsaygrocks 31 Aug

The load sizes on my washing machine go small, large, extra large. Questionable.

lindsaygrocks 31 Aug

Even before that concussion I just gave myself on my rear view, it was unreasonable to expect me to park any closer than 2.5 ft to the curb.

lindsaygrocks 31 Aug

One of those nights when I am rearranging the furniture in an attempt to change my life. The result so far: I’m bruised and a little drunk.

lindsaygrocks 1 Sep

This is, quite possibly, the worst day of my life.

MarylandMudflap 1 Sep

You never see a cyborg throw a guy into a pinball machine anymore. Maybe you never did. Who knows? I’ve been drinking since eggs.

lindsaygrocks 1 Sep

If Facebook had an eye, I would have poked him in the eye by now

lindsaygrocks 3 Sep

I’ve had an ongoing poop joke with my best friend for about six years. That’s love.

lindsaygrocks 3 Sep

Just showed @of_the_rose a picture of me when I was fat and living in a yurt. I’m pretty sure we just broke up.

of_the_rose 3 Sep

Ever since @lindsaygrocks & I made our relationship official on Facebook she’s been trying to break up with me by telling me about her BMs.

lindsaygrocks 4 Sep

“You know what’s awesome? We didn’t get food poisoning.”

lindsaygrocks 5 Sep

He giggles, “have you seen your back today?” as if he’s never seen a double X sunburned on somebody.

lindsaygrocks 6 Sep

BUY THINGS FROM ME!!!! AHHHH (sales girl breaks down)

MoCannoli 6 Sep

On my lunch break I went to the zoo, punched a stoned koala in the face and stole his eucalyptus plant. Fuck this recession.

lindsaygrocks 6 Sep

And just like that… Fall happened.

lindsaygrocks 6 Sep

It’s like pulling god dam teeth. Trust me. I would know.

lindsaygrocks 6 Sep

Naturally, I am stuck in the rain.

lindsaygrocks 7 Sep

Sometimes I actually bore myself to tears.

lindsaygrocks 7 Sep

I need a map of Albuquerque. I’ve lived here nearly seven years and I still never know where the hell I am.

lindsaygrocks 8 Sep

That chick at the bar totally just deep-throated a spoonful of sugar. Her medicine goes down.

lindsaygrocks 9 Sep

“Does it always look like that? Or is it just a bad day?” -some guy, talking about my dog.

lindsaygrocks 8 Sep

Did you know if you purchase pickles in bulk they come in a bucket? A bucket.

lindsaygrocks 10 Sep

Pass

lindsaygrocks 10 Sep

I cannot eat my lunch yet. It’s still making noise.

lindsaygrocks 10 Sep

Seriously, at this age, who among us hasn’t ridden a mechanical bull?

lindsaygrocks 10 Sep

Just found a secret on-ramp to I-40 in Albuquerque. It was literally as exciting as finding a shortcut in Mario Kart. I’m totally beating Bowser.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

WHY GOD?! WHY?!

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

There is NOTHING like coming home to discover that an entire room is coated with a watery layer of shit.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

Standing in the rain as @of_the_rose scrubs shit off the floor.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

The bathroom is clearly haunted. A ghost lives in the toilet.

of_the_rose 11 Sep

On the list of worst things to ever happen, coming home to find my bathtub and bathroom floor covered with shit is, like, fucking awful.

of_the_rose 11 Sep

Seriously. It looked like my toilet and bathtub hiccuped or burped or something. #neverforget

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

I’m still attempting to control my gag reflex. You’d think I’d be better at this.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

I thought I had made a rule about me being the only thing allowed to poop on the floor.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

I had no words to tell my bartender. Just gag noises and laughtercrying.

lindsaygrocks 11 Sep

Clearly, my life is just one ongoing poop joke

lindsaygrocks 12 Sep

I definitely have an antique mini bar filled with comic books on my sun porch. I greet people with class.

lindsaygrocks 13 Sep

Wore a dress that was too short, got a parking ticket, fell asleep in the morning meeting, and made an awkward introduction at my luncheon.

lindsaygrocks 13 Sep

Oh, and locked myself out of my house.

lindsaygrocks 13 Sep

“Ugh I hate Coldplay” “Um, this is Radiohead” “Really? Then I hate Radiohead” “What?” “It must be an obscure song” “Karma Police?!”

lindsaygrocks 14 Sep

#BroUpCrew I think we need a support group Sunday Brunch. I’m running out of poop jokes. @ThomasDecaro @xysmas @fresh_flamingo @of_the_rose

lindsaygrocks 14 Sep

It’s a pickle and siracha sort of morning.

lindsaygrocks 14 Sep

My fucking neighbors and their fucking trash in the street. These people clearly were never loved.

lindsaygrocks 14 Sep

MY SUNBURN IS PEELING! AHHH!

lindsaygrocks 15 Sep

5:30 am can suck it. 6 am just makes me wish I had paid attention at the public speaking classes in college.

lindsaygrocks 15 Sep

A room full of sales people is like, seriously similar to watching birds fight over bread.

lindsaygrocks 15 Sep

Yes, I swear that’s milkshake in my hair.

lindsaygrocks 16 Sep

#FF @NMCheeseburgers because there is a new review out, and it is a delicious read.

lindsaygrocks 16 Sep

Well that settles it. Looks like I’m going to start rocking a mohawk for the winter.

lindsaygrocks 18 Sep

“We should get fake pregnant bellies and go out drinking. And smoke. Intentionally bump into shit” #SocialExperimentSunday

lindsaygrocks 18 Sep

I was trying to rap it… You know, so it sounds more legit.

lindsaygrocks 20 Sep

Chatting with a robot right now. A robot that works for the cable company. The world is entirely evil.

lindsaygrocks 20 Sep

Jesus. There is a robot bot.

lindsaygrocks 20 Sep

I have assigned a voice in my head for this robot. It is a girl. A bitchy condescending girl robot.

lindsaygrocks 20 Sep

She just told me “It has been a pleasure to chat with you today” in her creepy robot voice and I’m like 99% certain she was insincere.

lindsaygrocks 20 Sep

The man on table 13 sounds exactly like Ross Perot.

lindsaygrocks 21 Sep

When thinking of the worst things that can happen, seeing a spider run across your pillow just before bed is proof there is no god.

lindsaygrocks 21 Sep

The house was perfectly silent until Tim Gunn got on the phone, then the dog went nutso. It’s like he WANTS to be euthanized.

lindsaygrocks 22 Sep

It is like every single sound I hear today makes me want to punch an infant. #morecoffee

lindsaygrocks 23 Sep

In the night, while we slept, someone stole all the tires. Ooh. People are the worst.

lindsaygrocks 23 Sep

Once again I’m reminded that a cat in the window isn’t a BB gun or a flamer thrower.

lindsaygrocks 23 Sep

The god damn police left the door open. And now there is a second mystery. Floyd? Come back?

lindsaygrocks 23 Sep

We discussed the direct correlation between her running out in the street and the wrinkles on my face. I think we came to an understanding.

lindsaygrocks 23 Sep

I fell down the steps. There are only two, and I fell down them.

lindsaygrocks 24 Sep

I got two ex boyfriends and a microphone…

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

I’m far too emotionally invested in this episode of #rivermonsters right now. I knew all those years I spent reading books were a waste.

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

Went to find a snack and discovered there are 3 jars of pickles, a stalk of celery, stale tortillas, 3 slices of pizza and 4 percocets.

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

The elderly gentleman at the checkout- who was discussing honey badger- just commented on my wine and gummy sharks. Like he’s never done it.

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

Brainstorming ideas for the new life I will be starting tomorrow after I get a new tooth.

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

I can’t believe Mazzy Star was the artist they thought belonged on that Gears of War 3 commercial. Seriously.

lindsaygrocks 25 Sep

@of_the_rose came by with a bag full of like 30 apples and now I’m at @GeckosBar having a bloody mary for dinner. #why

lindsaygrocks 13 hours ago

Have seen 5 balloons this morning on the way to the dentist.

of_the_rose 12 hours ago

Some dude who looks a lot like Pee Wee Herman is putting his fingers in @lindsaygrocks‘ mouth right now.

lindsaygrocks 11 hours ago

Success! I accidentally swallowed a lot of blood so I feel like shit, but hey, I got a tooth!

lindsaygrocks 8 hours ago

The jerk dogs know I’m sick/injured yet one still just farted in my face. #thereisnomercy

lindsaygrocks 4 hours ago

I found that the pizza bites I was trying to eat were to large to eat without biting so I just sucked the filing out of them. #rockbottom

lindsaygrocks 2 hours ago

Recipe time: 12 min. Time it takes me to figure out my order of kitchen operations: 37 min.

Bomb Pops and Fireworks

1 Jul

Fourth of July is one of my favorite holidays.  While our history is sometimes bleak and horrid, our future doesn’t have to be, and that is a nice thought. But it’s not just a day, it is an entire weekend of celebrating- of swimming and bar-b-queing, of dancing and fireworks.  I love the holidays that involve getting everyone together for a party and a meal- but unlike Thanksgiving where angry families bicker across the table while wearing formal attire, the Fourth of July is a holiday set to be celebrated outdoors with beer koozies and hot dogs on sticks.

This year, because of all the wildfires burning across my state, I will be boycotting fireworks but that doesn’t mean I won’t be having fun and causing trouble.  Each year, I parade around in a myriad of red, white, and blue outfits and I see no reason to change my habit now.  Excited for this year’s dress? Yes I am.  Prepared for the agony my shoes will cause? Always.

In honor of our nation’s independence, I present you with my favorite super cheesy songs about the United States- or something like that.

Neil Diamond – America

James Brown – Living in America

Tom Petty – American Girl

Neil Young – Keep on Rockin’ in the Free World

Don McClean – American Pie

Paul Simon – America

Bruce Springsteen – Born in the USA

David Bowie – Young Americans

Grand Funk Railroad – American Band

Ray Charles- America the Beautiful

Episode 16: The Crew Gets a Kitty

3 May

Part 1: Weekend Warriors

It started, as most things do, with a mischievous night deep in the center of downtown Albuquerque. A night much like any other, including some awesome shots of my friends and I being morons in a photo booth, neon sunglasses, some face painting and glitter, and a performance by one of my favorite local pop bands, Monster Paws, that soon enough led to the usual post-show party foolishness. Now, anyone who has ever walked down the street in the wee hours of the morning in four-inch platform pin-up heels with a boy wearing a teddy-bear hat on his head and another with a unicorn painted on his face can pretty much tell you what happens next. The brilliant idea to go tinkle in an alley came up, and as I trooped back behind a dumpster to pop a squat, (did I ever mention just how classy I am?) is about the same time that the wolves came out.

‘Wolves’ is my term for the scary characters that I encounter on a far-too-regular basis on the sinister streets of Albuquerque and beyond. They are usually male, quite often homeless, and frequently inebriated. Most often they travel in packs and can attack with very little provocation. In this case it was a couple of real winners, probably members of some awful fraternity that encourages things like 4Loko, UFC, tribal pattern tattoos, and watching ladies pee in alleys- which is exactly what they were doing. No worries, I had a glittery posse.

So as I listen to my unicorn-painted friend try to reason with the wolves, asking them to back away and give me a moment to compose myself, I zip up and take off in the other direction. When it comes to the ‘fight or flight’ response I always run. Always. So I left Mr. Face-Paint alone to face the wolves. I watched from a safe distance on the far corner. Things seemed tame for a moment, but as my other friend, Mr. I’m-Wearing-A-Severed-Teddy-Bear’s-Head went to see what was happening, one of the wolves struck like a snake, punching my unicorn painted friend right in the face. It didn’t look pleasant, I’ll tell you, but my buddy just looked at them, then shrugged his shoulders and said something that I later found out was, “What? Hit me again, shitbag.” Astonishingly enough the wolves departed and we were left in peace to continue our journey.

We have a phrase for just how cool getting punched in the face for a friend is, and that phrase is Bro-Up. He totally ‘Bro’ed Up’ and took one for the team. I really appreciated it. So I began to formulate my plan to give him a ‘Thank You’ present. Not just anything will do when you’re trying to get a gift that has that perfect “Thank you for getting punched so that I didn’t get raped” message. It took some thought, but eventually I figured it out- I would get him a kitty.

Part 2: The Great Cat Caper

About a week went by. I ran my plan by a few other members of the crew, and for the most part I got raised eyebrows and responses such as “You are a horrible friend.” I figured that to be beside the point and I simply continued to let my plan brew. It seemed flawless.

Step one: find a kitty.

Step two: put the kitty in a basket with a cutesy note.

Step three: ding-dong ditch the cat on his doorstep.

Without any overwhelming support, though, I was only mildly planning on actually pulling off this little maneuver. But then came that fateful Saturday when I woke up with that all-too-familiar itch to find some mischief. It was go time.

The crew and I got together (despite some mild opposition) and began tracking down feral cats living behind photography studios and the like- but this proved to be a pinch too much effort for us. A more logical solution was to head to the Albuquerque Animal Rescue and pick some little snuggler who wouldn’t put up a fight or give us rabies. And there, amidst the pugs and pit bulls and Siamese cats, we found him. Immediately, he connected with us. Little dude is cute, sweet, and snuggly, and to top it all off he is polydactyl. I had a little bit of Berlin’s “Take my Breath Away” playing in my head as we gazed into each other’s eyes.

Everyone in the crew voted for him so I adopted him and we headed over to our buddy’s house to surprise him with his new soul mate. “Now, Lindsay,” you might ask, “What on earth makes you think your friend wants a cat, will like the cat, and isn’t going to punch you in the face when you bring him a cat?” The answer to that is easy- cats rock.

But seriously, a bit of background: I happen to know that this guy just went through a break up that resulted in his ex-girlfriend keeping their cat. He has mentioned it only about a thousand times. I also know that he loves cats. I also know that I love kittens and at any given moment of my life am at-risk for adopting one. I’m not quite ready to be a crazy cat lady, however, so I try to practice restraint.

So the kitten is all of ours, he’s simply the newest addition to our crew. He even has become a little groupie for Monster Paws (the group that led to his being adopted at all.) After everyone was good and acquainted and we had all given him a different name, we put Hemingway Bro Tron Sam Beam (Bro-Tron for short) on a leash and headed to our local pet-friendly patio bar for some drinks. We’re that kind of people. He’s that kind of kitten.

As I get older

5 Feb

Things I would like for my birthday:

–          Peace of mind

–          A job

–          Some focus

–          Comic books

–          An evening gown (preferably red satin- don’t ask, it is from a recent dream)

–          Someone to sing to me

–          Sparkly jewelry

–          Hugs

–          A vacation

–          A cheeseburger

–          Shoes

–          Champagne

–          Jameson

–          Music

–          Ecstasy (in pill or emotional form)

–          A trip to the strip club

–          Jerky

–          A safe ride home

Priorities

23 Jan

I forget sometimes how crappy and worthless I am on Saturday mornings.  Boo.  I woke up to Wilson Phillips “Hold On” playing in my head.  No kidding.  Then I immediately looked around for a weapon or perhaps a bottle of painkillers that I could swallow to make it go away.  I’m settling for listening to Cinderella really loudly to blast it out of my skull. Oh, the agony of Lindsay.

So today I am trying to cram everything I own into two rooms.  It has caused me to look at the objects in my life as puzzle pieces that I must make fit.  It is unnerving, to say the least.  Like when you spill open a suitcase after a trip and get a glimpse at who you really are, I am having an enlightening experience.  In this case though, I am looking at who everyone else wanted me to be.  I think everything I own (besides my incredibly large wardrobe) was a gift.  Who needs two sets of dishes and four silver salad server things?  I’m angry at the attempts to domesticate me.  I’m going to take out my rebellion on this toaster and juicer.  Death to the dusty kitchen appliance!  Tarnish and scratch to tephlon! Long live the paper plate!

A well equipped woman should have 300+ pairs of shoes with nowhere to wear them.  I’m good on that end.  Plus I need the kitchen cabinet space for clothes. I keep my make up in the linen closet, next to my arbitrary sports equipment.

“It is all about priorities, apparently.” Said some jackass at my graduation party- in the context of why it took me so long to go to school.

I say screw it.  It is unfair to expect people to change, and I will always be a little girl playing dress up with Barbie.  Except now I am the Barbie.  And I no longer have to go to bed by 9pm.  Life is far from hard- even when it is hard.  Now I’m going to put on red patent leather stilettos and alphabetize my poetry.

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