Tag Archives: teeth

How’s about you and me…

14 Feb

Did I ever mention that I have pointy ears? Like, totally pointy. I think I am a descendent of elves or something (well, if that were a real option). It often catches people off guard. I like to make up stories to explain my ears’ serrated edges, and for the most part people believe them.

I’ve never been too good with names but I remember faces. Oh, wait. That’s entirely not true. I am good with neither.

Cheeseburgers are the best food in the entire world.

I come from Mississippi.

One time, I killed a Fer-de-Lance with a machete. That’s the best part of that story.

I’m naturally blonde. A great color blonde, actually. I dye my hair red in the winter, and I don’t know exactly why, but it makes me happy.

In another life I was a fish. Then a ferocious jungle cat ate that fish. I was ferocious jungle cat in another life, too. And probably a seaweed at some point, as well.

My favorite words are: porcupine, staccato, nail polish, creole, island (because it is just spelled so stupidly), fences, pineapple, cellar (I think of wine), stellar, gem, and blowfish. My least favorite words are: dry, rip, qi (it should NOT be allowed on Words with Friends), Cincinnati, yeast, lo-carb, and pit (lest we are talking about the Brad).

Also, I kind of want a pet dolphin- but only for like a day or so.

My favorite bits of machinery and mechanical wonder are photo booths, drawbridges, automatic staplers, those great margarita blenders, hair dryers, and the compass in the dashboard of the car.

I like books. I also like graphic novels. A lot.

When I was like, 15 maybe, I went to Scotland for the summer. That was fun.

It’d be neat to be a pirate, but I’m not really down with stealing from people. Unless I was looting like badass jewelry and genie lamps. And flying rugs. And I had a pet parrot. And an eye patch. And Johnny Depp.

I should’ve put ‘badass’ on my list of favorite words. It certainly is badass enough to belong there.

I collect pearls.

I also collect fossils. And rocks. And seashells. And bones. And teeth.

My cat’s name is Floyd- you can see her picture here. She’s the bee’s knees. My dog’s name is Kiki. She pees on things. I love Floyd more. They both know it.

Young Guns and Young Guns II are two of the best films to ever grace American cinema. Top Gun was a gem as well. But, if I were at a dinner party or asked by a customer (this happened the other night) to list my top five favorite movies, my reply would be something like, “Gone With the Wind, A River Runs Through It, Braveheart, Forrest Gump, The Dark Knight, Jurassic Park, The Lion King, and Gattaca” because I cannot count, and hate to admit that I went to a museum exhibit just to see Top Gun movie storyboards, jackets, and helmets.

I suffer bouts of insomnia. That’s usually when I write random lists such as these. More often than not I google funny pictures of koala bears.

All of my tattoos are down around my feet.

I have broken a LOT of bones. Many of them more than once. I’m fragile, and I know that- now.

I won a competition once to see who could get down a water-slide the fastest. I have a scar from that. When I tell people my scar is from Breckenridge, they usually assume it was a snow skiing accident. Nope.

So those are some fun facts about me, the love of my life (besides Floyd) this Valentine’s day. I guess it’s a good thing no one is taking me to dinner or some sappy thing, I make ridiculous conversation.

A Sting Ray to the Heart

24 Mar

I’m a prehistoric girl (a Lindsaysaurus) with prehistoric luck.  I’m inflicted with an ancient evil that has been hanging around on earth ever since the dawn of time.  It’s been a tough run for me lately (and by lately, I mean since puberty).

Yesterday I broke a tooth.  A front tooth, right where everyone can see it and ask me what the hell happened.  And the truth is, nothing happened, I just have bad luck with baby teeth and veneers.  I was sitting quite tamely and composed at my desk, when suddenly I felt an odd sensation in my mouth- the feeling that my teeth were bleeding- and then I spit a bloody tooth onto my desk.  Making friends, I am.  Nothing says “We have a lot in common” like putting your own tooth into your pocket and sticking a wad of tissue in your mouth.

This came one day after I knocked myself stupid on the corner of a cabinet door and made my head bleed, one week after I lost a fingernail, two weeks after I got the swine flu, three weeks after I fell off my roof and got a spinal injury, and one month since the dreaded February full of car accidents, scooter accidents, and deaths in the family all at once.  In the ongoing battle of Lindsay v. the world I am losing in a big way.

At the beginning of 2011 one of the new things I started was keeping score.  I wrote the score in tally marks in my day planner.  For instance stubbing my toe would be a mark up for 2011 and being given a cupcake would be a point for me.  Let me tell ya, I think keeping score was one of the worst ideas I ever had.  Nothing highlights how much you are losing (and therefore how much of a loser you are) quite like realizing that it is only March and 2011 has 714 points and you’ve only got 223.

My latest ‘score’ though, is quite a score indeed.  So perhaps I should start weighing my point system.  For a while I thought it was working in my favor if I counted the one point I gave 2011 when my car got totaled evened out by the point I gave myself for finding awesome pink pin-up heels, but if I really weighed the value of some of these scores… perhaps I could be considered “winning” again.

I’m pretty sure I just figured out how W stole those elections (I was always confused).

Until I revise my point system, though, I will sit here at my desk, on hold with the ’emergency’ dentist listening to the muzak version of “Another Day in Paradise” occasionally interrupted by a robot lady who tells me she appreciates my patience and I will whine.  She clearly doesn’t understand me.  Sitting here longing for a person with a dental degree and local anesthesia might just be the perfect opportunity to rethink my existence.  Reevaluate what it all means etc etc.  By reevaluate what it all means, clearly I mean plan my escape to the Florida Keys where at least my demise will hopefully be brought about by something a little cooler than H1N1- something like a shark attack or a sting ray to the heart.

Did you know that people still get bubonic plague in New Mexico?  It is so not rock star to die of a medieval disease.  I think it is time for me to go make trouble somewhere else before I figure out how to fatally injure myself on a prickly pear cactus.

Oh, imagine that, there is now a person on the line instead of muzak.  I’m going to ask for a gold tooth with a diamond in it.  I feel that perhaps my problem is I don’t have enough bling in my life.

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